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I just got done watching the Hulu TV show, “Fleishman is in Trouble,” and one of the main themes of the show was “you gotta put the oxygen mask on your own face before you can help others.” It was said multiple times on the show, by multiple characters. That’s also something I have heard quite a few times in recovery.
It got me thinking that about 95 percent of the time, I have found that to be true. But with the other 5 percent, I’ve found that that thinking can sometimes be problematic.
Let me back up and give a quick review of the show. I really liked it. It’s based on a novel, and it digs into the aftermath of a divorce, then it becomes a meditation on love and relationships. I won’t say much more about the plot, but I thought the show was quite good. If I made a top-10 list of the best shows I watched this year, I think I would have considered it but ultimately put it in the 15-20 range. I thought there were some storytelling issues that held it back a little bit—specifically, I thought the narration over top of the show didn’t quite work. Overall, though, it’s definitely worth checking out.
As I said, one of the main points that characters make in the show is that you have to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others later. That phrase—put the oxygen mask on your face first—is something I’ve heard many, many times over the years in sobriety, and it is something that I agree with. I really do believe in that idea and I have seen the repercussions of not doing that. I’ve seen people who have invested more time in getting others sober than themselves, and it begins to impact their sobriety. I definitely have done that kind of thing, where I am over-investing in other peoples’ sobriety and then experiencing ups and downs based on how they’re doing. I’ve found it to be a dangerous way to operate in recovery if you do it for long stretches of time. I need to make sure my recovery is in the best shape possible, then reach out my hand to help others. I haven’t had it work out well in reverse, where I put the oxygen masks on a bunch of other people, then hope I can find my own oxygen mask.
So for the most part, I love that concept of putting on your own oxygen mask first. But let me tell you the dangerous side to that phrase. It involves rationalizing what I will call an expanded definition of that phrase. I’ll give you an example that’s not quite true but is rooted in some truth.
Let’s say you have a hard week of work and feel wiped out and edgy on a Friday afternoon. So you go to your husband or wife and say, “Hey, I had a brutal week. I am spiritually empty right now. I need some time to just unwind with some peace and quiet, so I was thinking about hitting a movie tonight by myself. Could you take the kids to their activities and feed them dinner and put them to bed?”
Your spouse says, “Absolutely, go for it,” and so you do. It’s a lot of fun and very relaxing. You do whatever you want, when you want it for a few hours.
The next morning, your spouse asks you how you’re doing and you say you feel okay… but you’re also sensing that there’s an opportunity to maybe fudge the truth a little. It was pretty cool to just do whatever you felt like without any responsibility, wasn’t it? The self-pity valve has been turned on, big time. “The movie was great,” you say. “Thank you so much for running things at home. But I’m still out of whack. This week crushed me. I think I just need to unwind and watch football on the couch today.”
All of a sudden, you’re trying to spend Day No. 2 in fake struggle mode while doing whatever you want, when you want it.
You see the issue there? I’ve found myself a few times over the years corrupting the definition of that phrase. The oxygen mask idea is that there is a plane crash coming and everybody is trying to figure out how to breath. I don’t think it applies to weaseling a golf outing with buddies or sleeping in every day for your self care!
So I guess my point is that I need to be 100 percent sure of my motives when I am thinking about self care. It’s pretty easy to wield that phrase like a weapon to get out of things that I’d rather not do. I need to put the oxygen mask on myself first, for sure. But I also need to make sure anybody even needs an oxygen mask in the moment.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS: “One reason I don’t drink anymore is that I want to know when I am having a good time.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, March 2002, Dick L. from New Westminster, British Columbia)
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