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There’s soooooo much good stuff to read about sobriety, and how to get sober. I find all of the 12-step program literature to be incredibly valuable, and it’s good writing, in my opinion. I routinely am at a meeting where we’re reading something written in 1942 or 1955 and it’s hard to fathom that the founding members of these programs had such brilliant vision for solutions to addiction.
But recently I was at a meeting where we read the first half of “How it works” from the Big Book one week, then the second half the next week. I gotta say, it’s hard to beat that stretch of 13 pages. And as someone who has been sober for a little while, I found the second half—pages 64-71—to be such a good way for me to examine where I’m at in recovery. My kids have standardized testing to evaluate how much they have learned and how they’re applying it. If sober adults had standardized testing to evaluate ourselves, it might be based on pages 64-71.
The first chunk of “How it works” introduces the steps, then zeroes in on Steps 1, 2 and 3. That’s essential reading, in my opinion, and the foundation for which everything in my recovery program is built.
But then from 64-71, we get into resentments, and the book makes the case that resentments are the most dangerous thing in sobriety. One paragraph flat-out says, “Resentment is the Number One offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.”
That is a lot to digest. What about all the other things that can trip up someone’s sobriety? A loved one dies… you get laid off at work… cancer… divorce. Nope, we’re being told resentment is No. 1 on that list, and I think that’s right. During my roughest patches of sobriety, there’s always been an undercurrent of resentment.
Somebody shared a similar belief at the meeting when we read that section, and also made the point that some of these other things that can derail sobriety—losing your job, for instance—probably include quite a bit of resentment packed in there, too. It can be a one-two punch.
I also really like the Fourth Step chart that’s in this reading. It’s big and clunky and weird to read out loud at a meeting, but I have found it to be the single most specific, most beneficial piece of instruction in recovery literature. I think we get lots of good guidance and suggestions for all the steps, but with Step 4 in the Big Book, it’s very meticulously mapped out, with examples and everything. It’s a perfect blueprint for how to sort through a resentment.
Last but not least, I focused most of my thinking on the phrase “It is plain that a life that includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.”
First of all, there’s a lot to unpack around the idea of resentment versus deep resentment. The way I interpret that is that resentment is a normal part of the human condition and something that everybody has, and that everybody has to work through. But deep resentment is its own special category. To me, deep resentments are the ones that sit in your stomach for long periods of time and eat away at your spirituality. A lot of those probably have some justification… but they’re all poison.
I also like how that sentence doesn’t come right out and say that if you have deep resentments, you will drink. You certainly might. But that sentence says deep resentment leads to futility and unhappiness. I have had moments of sobriety where I did not drink or do drugs and I did not even want to get drunk or high. But I start spinning my wheels. I’m miserable and I am causing misery with my attitude and behaviors because I’m running on resentment. It’s a terrible way to live. It is, as the book says, futile and unhappy.
In my life, I recently spent a few days with in-laws and it was bumpy, to say the least. Long drive. Lots of people. Lots of conversation. Lots of unwanted political fishing. But it wasn’t terrible, and it didn’t have that much to do with them. It was me and my resentment-filled perspective. Nobody had a Stage 4 disease of any kind. There was lots of laughter along with the raised eyebrows during some weird stretches.
It was probably 50-50 good-bad, but I had started to collect resentments. Which, for me, means I don’t see a 50-50 good-bad situation as 50-50. I see it as 60-40 bad the first day, then 75-25 on the second day, then by the end, I am questioning my relationships with loved ones because I am seeing it as a 100 percent debacle full of terrible people.
All b******t. The truth is that there was some bad behaviors but also lots of good ones. Lots of love exchanged between my kids and their relatives that they don’t get to see too often. Does one of the people think that the theory that the moon landing isn’t real and that the moon itself isn’t real? Maybe. But I have to let that go and walk away with the good portion of the trip. There’s a version of this situation where I hold onto a deep resentment and it just rots out my insides, and I can’t do that.
I’m so glad I read that section of the book at a meeting. It really brings everything into focus and I can move on from a bumpy road trip without any deep resentments. In fact, now I have plenty of time to read up on how NASA might be faking the existence of the moon…
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS
“At first I thought the ‘God thing’ was a crutch. Turns out to be stilts.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, May 2001, Mark)
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