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I had a recent conversation with someone who was wondering if they might have a drug or alcohol problem. This is a pretty regular occurrence for people in recovery, because I think many people wrestle with whether or not drinking or drugs are doing them any favors or someone they care about.
In this case, we had an awesome hour-long discussion and I explained my situation and how much a life of recovery has been great for me. I mentioned at the end of the call that I probably won’t ever bring the topic up with him again, unless he wants to talk more about it. He was confused by that, and I said, “I try to mind my own business. If you want to go further down the road of recovery, I’m available any time. If you aren’t interested, I’m never going to pester you.”
He seemed genuinely surprised by that. He asked me, “Why not?”
I couldn’t tell if he wanted me to recruit him or what, but I explained that my sobriety is my business, and his is his, if he even chooses recovery. I told him I learned a long time ago that if somebody doesn’t want sobriety, I’m wasting my time trying to convince them. And I told him that that was certainly the case with me—nobody could have convinced me to try 12-step recovery until I was ready.
My friend seemed to understand that. But I also got the sense that he wanted to be convinced, or at least talked into trying sobriety for awhile. I gently just reiterated that I don’t have to bring in new members or anything to keep my sobriety membership card, and that I’m there for him any time he reaches out.
It was a good conversation. But I could tell my MYOB (mind your own business) philosophy was a little confusing to him. So we talked about it some more later, and I just told him that when I mind my own business, I tend to get in a lot less trouble than when I am trying to fix others. That goes for sober people. That goes for work colleagues. That goes for bad drivers on the road. That goes for pretty much everybody and everything.
But I will say that I have to try to balance that MYOB idea with striving to be a warm person. I don’t ever want to turn a cold shoulder to anybody, or even give off that vibe. It’s really a delicate dance to have firm boundaries and also be a welcoming person. I’m not sure I always get that completely right, because it’s a pretty mirky line to draw. I want to be available for help without over investing in someone’s life who doesn’t need that from me.
Now that I think about it some more, it’s so funny that BYOB was such a part of my life for 30 years, and now I’m trying to hype up the idea of MYOB when it comes to not drinking.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS: “One reason I don’t drink anymore is that I want to know when I am having a good time.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, March 2002, Dick L. from New Westminster, British Columbia)
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