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I went to a meeting in another state recently, and I desperately needed it. I’d traveled about 1,000 miles over 5 days in a minivan with my wife and three kids. So nerves were frayed. Egos were damaged. Disaster was imminent.
Disaster is probably too strong of a word. On trips like those, where I am into my third or fourth day without a meeting, I never get cravings for alcohol or drugs. But I do start to act more impulsive, I argue more, I take things way too seriously, and all the other behaviors that often came along with being an active alcoholic. In recovery, we use the term “emotional sobriety” a lot, and that’s what I am talking about here.
Anyway, I got to a meeting, and the meeting was on Step 9. I always soak up more at meetings when I am a little depleted, so I was doing that when it came to a guy who seemed to have a southern twang, even though we were in Pennsylvania.
He was a very good speaker and I was enjoying hearing him discuss his experience with Step 9. Then he took a step back and said something along the lines of, “Steps 4 and 5 were about me gittin’ rahttt with myself. Steps 6 and 7 were about gittin’ rahttt with God. And Steps 8 and 9 were about gittin’ rahttt with others.”
Whoa, I guess I always kind of knew that but never heard it put so succinctly. Steps 4 and 5 dealt with a full deep dive of where all of my anger and resentment resided and what my role was in all of it. I remember looking at the pages of my notebook and feeling like I was looking at the blueprint for my alcoholism. I had to clear out as much of that crap as possible. It was poison poured out onto notebook paper.
Then Steps 6 and 7 were taking a look at my character defects, and I think the word humility appears in our literature about 975 times when discussing these two steps. So that was me gittin’ rahttt with God and the universe.
And then Steps 8 and 9 are obviously about making amends to others.
I’ve always been soooo glad that Steps 8 and 9 are where they are in the program because I realized I had a lot of work to do. Saying sorry is really easy. Do I mean it? Or am I saying it like my 7-year-old does sometimes, “Sorrrrrrr-ree” like she thinks you’re an a*****e for asking her to stop spilling chocolate milk all over the living room?
It sounds ridiculous, but I still sometimes rush to say sorry for things when I have no real intention of changing my behaviors or my attitude. I am saying “Sorry about that” just because I want you off my ass.
And that usually means I didn’t get right with myself and God before I tried to get right with you. I recently showed up a half hour late to lunch with somebody and said, “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting.” But I wasn’t, really. I had been blabbing with some friends, realized I was going to be late for lunch and just kept going. Deep down, I was thinking, “Ah, she’ll get over it.”
That’s fine and all. But the “Hey, I’m really sorry about that” part of things was total b******t. I hadn’t quickly unpacked my role in it, then calculated an apology based on real spirituality. It was just a throwaway.
So I’d like to thank the man with a southern accent, wherever you are. I am going to be spending some time thinking about how I “git rahtttt” going forward in my life.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS
"Not going to meetings is a misdemeanor. The more of them I miss, the meaner I get."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, December 2008, by Richard M. of Golden, Colorado)
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