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My daughter graduated from middle school a few days ago, and the principal gave a short speech before they introduced the kids. The point of her speech was that yes, it was insufferably hot in the gym, and yes, it was way too crowded in there, but that we should all rejoice in the moment because most people do not often get a lot of applause moments in life.
My first thought was, “Geez, we gotta get this lady to some 12-step meetings.”
I’ve written about anniversaries before, and I have heard numerous people over the years make the case that it doesn’t say anywhere in the 12 steps and 12 traditions that you should get a coin and a round of applause for celebrating lengths of sobriety. I get it. Most meetings that I have been to that celebrate anniversaries usually say, “It’s not a tradition of the program, but it is a tradition of this meeting to celebrate sober time.”
But I love anniversaries. I remember how much getting to 30 days clean and sober meant to me, and then getting my coin was everything I hoped for. I was going to big meetings in New York City at the time, so it was 50-plus people cheering and yelling for me. It was a nice little incentive.
And let me tell you, looking back, I needed the applause for that first year. One of the things that I saw in my life is that when I told everybody I needed to go to rehab, they were so happy and excited for me. Then everybody in my life was happy and excited that I stayed sober.
But I did start to find the pink cloud wearing off for me, and the people around me, too. I actually found I hit more speed bumps in my relationships at about the 3-6 month mark than the 3-6 week mark. I think what happened is that once the sheer joy of seeing me try to get sober wore off a little, many people in my life started retracing moments where I had obviously lied to them or hurt them or stole from them in the past, and it was starting to get unpacked.
In the workplace, I was surrounded by very kind and understanding people… but I also had been basically a no-show employee for a few years already, and now I needed to leave early every day to go to rehab as I tried to figure out how to ACTUALLY do my job.
Hey, I’m not complaining. That stuff needed to happen.
My point is, I sometimes had quite a few people outside recovery who loved me a lot but didn’t like me that much. So to have a roomful of people in recovery who were cheering me on, no strings attached, no backstory filled with pain and lies… I needed it. I always knew I could turn toward that group to help me with everybody else.
I also love that at meetings, you’ll sometimes see somebody celebrate 24 hours sober, then another person with two months, then another person with three years, then somebody else with 27 years. I think that is important, that we celebrate all lengths of sobriety, because we have people at all different stages. When I had a month, it really helped me to see somebody get three months. When I had a year, it really helped me to see somebody hit five years. It felt like they were helping me see the next stop on the long journey of sobriety.
It reminds me of one of my favorite sober jokes…
A guy walks into his first 12-step meeting and is introduced to three sober people. He has one day sober, and he asks the first person how long she has been sober for.
“10 years,” she says.
“Wow, that’s great,” the newcomer said before asking the second person how long he had been sober for.
“Five years,” the second person says.
“Geez, congratulations, that’s awesome,” the newcomer says. Then he asks the third person how long he had been sober for.
“Eight days,” the third guy says.
“Oh my god, how the hell did you freaking do it?!?!?!?!?!” the newcomer yelled.
I love that joke because I identify with the idea that it can be easier to imagine 10 years sober than 10 days. Sobriety can be a real grind, no matter how much time you have.
To go back at what that principal said, I think she was right. How many standing ovations do most people get outside of the rooms of recovery? For me personally, it’s not many. It’s not like I take my kids to Chuck E. Cheese and everybody stands up to cheer, and when my window opens up on work Zoom calls, there’s no uproarious applause. Maybe an awkward wave or two. But no cheers.
So I clap my ass off when people celebrate sober anniversaries. They earned it, and I want them to hear the power of a sober group.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A drunk and annoyed passenger called for the plane's flight attendant and demanded that the three children loudly cavorting in the row in front of his be told to play outside.
(Credit: AA Grapevine, by Richard M. of Golden, Colorado, from February 2007)
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