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I was in New York City multiple times in the past month, and I had quite an experience.
I worked in New York for 10 years, specifically in the midtown New York area. For about five of those years, I had begun to hustle and work urgent cares and doctors offices for pills, all while spiraling pretty hard into an ugly alcohol addiction, too.
So as I walked those streets, I had multiple instances where I remembered some very ugly day or incident at a street corner or a bar or pharmacy. There was one McDonald’s where I tried snorting several painkillers, which didn’t go well. Shocker, right?
But on this recent trip, I also began to note that at many of these dark places, there was also a lot of light. I’d spent about seven years running loose as an active addict and alcoholic, but then three years as a newly-sober person who loved his new life without drugs and alcohol. So many of those street corners and restaurants and pharmacies also featured fond memories of walking out of a meeting with my sponsor, getting together with a newcomer and lots of other awesome things. There was one combo Subway/Dunkin Donuts in particular where I used to go and nod out from the painkillers while trying to hype myself up with caffeine at the same time. And that was the same Subway/Dunkin where I went to pick up party subs for an anniversary party at the 12-step meeting I called my home group.
When I was there recently, it had been awhile, and I found myself caught up in the feeling of sweet-and-sour that addicts can feel about their old stomping grounds. On one hand, I felt overwhelmed by the sadness of what I used to do in those parts when I was still running and gunning. On the other hand, I felt tremendous gratitude about the people who invested their time in me and helped me live an entirely different life in the exact same place. The good feelings ultimately trounced the bad ones. In fact, the negative memories seemed to amplify my gratitude that I didn’t have to live like that.
It was just a helpful reminder about what so many addicts go through as they try to get their life on track. Often times, they can’t just go to Hawaii for 90 days to get clean and sober, then come home and quit their job and dump their husband or wife to move to Canada to avoid all of the old triggers. I had to get sober and turn things around while in the same house, job and car, and I am so glad I had people there to guide me through those same spaces where I used to wreak havoc. Without them, I probably would have ended up violently throwing up in every Applebee’s bathroom in New York City, not just the vast majority of them!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS: “When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, June 2001, Susan C. from Richmond, Virginia)
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