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I think a good chunk of the people who subscribe to this newsletter are in recovery themselves. But I also know a bunch of subscribers who are just interested in learning about the sober community, so they signed up.
So I thought it would be fun to run through the questions I get asked the most about sobriety, from people who are not in recovery themselves—or from curious people I have run into over the years who seem so interested in what sobriety looks like that I wonder if I might see them at a meeting some day.
—10. Can you drink non-alcoholic beer?
I remember somebody asking me this question and then a bunch of followups about it, and I couldn’t help but think, “Does this guy want to stop drinking himself and he really likes the taste of beer?” Either way, my answer is that I can’t. I don’t know about other people. But I can’t. I believe there are trace amounts of alcohol in non-alcoholic beer but don’t fact-check me on that.
I can’t because drinking was a ritualistic behavior for me, and anything that starts up that ritualistic behavior, I can’t even mess with. I personally don’t really want to drink non-alcoholic beer, anyway—I didn’t drink because I loved the flavor. I loved the effects… until I didn't.
—9. What do you do at parties?
I get this one a lot because having a drink in your hand is such a fundamental part of many parties. But I’ll say two things. One, nobody notices or really cares if it is a Diet Coke or a water in your hand instead of an alcoholic drink. Most people at parties are half-tipsy and don’t give a s**t about anything other than their own drink, anyway.
Secondly, I got sober at 32 and am 44 now. I’m married and have three kids. So the party scene for people like me is pretty calm. I’d say I only get invited to about five parties a year, probably less, where there is significant boozing happening.
I guess if I were in college, or single and 24 years old, this would be a thornier question. But I do know plenty of young people who have much cooler social lives than me, and they have found a way to juggle not drinking while also hanging out with groups of people.
So the short answer is, it is possible.
—8. How much does it cost?
I think sometimes people conflate rehab treatment programs with 12-step programs. But the truth is, 12-step recovery costs nothing. We do pass a basket to pay the rent and buy books, but you don’t have to give anything. We always seem to get the rent paid somehow.
—7. Was it hard?
Hmm, how do you answer this question? It’s a tough question.
On one hand, yes, because I wanted to stop drinking and drugging for about five years before I actually did. I knew the pain and suffering it caused for me and others every single day, and I couldn’t stop. So that would classify as a hard habit to break, I guess.
And as far as the first month or so of sobriety, yes, that was an entirely new life. It was scary. Physically, I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t know what to do when I would get mad or sad and couldn’t reach for a substance to take care of the problem. So there were parts of early recovery that were indeed quite difficult.
But on the other hand, the things that have gotten me sober and kept me sober are not very complex. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponsor and worked a program. And it all came together. I work pretty hard to stay sober… but not as hard as I worked to stay drunk and high every day. That was a full-time job, and I always felt horrible.
So I guess my short answer is, at a certain point, it becomes much harder to stay active than it is to stop. That was my experience.
—6. Do you have to be religious to get sober?
Well, this is an interesting question that people would probably answer a little differently. But I would give what is probably the most common answer, which the founders of 12-step programs said quite frequently: 12-step programs are spiritual programs, not religious programs. And while the words “God” and “Higher Power” pop up quite frequently, it’s still a program of suggestions, with lots of wiggle room to choose your own God adventure.
—5. Do you like being in 12-step programs?
I haven’t gotten this one too many, but it’s often from people who seem to think it is like Brussel sprouts. I get it, going to meetings is often portrayed on TV as being prescribed to people who got into trouble and need to do them in order to avoid jail time.
But for me personally, I don’t like being in 12-step programs. I love it. And I don’t love it for some really impressive reason—I love it because my life got a lot better. If I had a disease and some medication cured it if I took it every day, and then my life got better and better every day… I mean, do I need to keep going?
—4. Is it just a bunch of old dudes in church basements?
Haha, I’ve said this one myself, jokingly, but it’s not really true. I’m sure there are meetings that look and smell like old dudes in a church basement. But I’ve had no trouble finding all sorts of meetings, with a diverse group of people by any demographic you can come up with.
Do a lot of meetings happen in church basements? Well, I do find myself in quite a few churches, and often times it’s in the basement. But when I have been asked about that I get the sense that people are envisioning dark dungeons down in the guts of a church, past boxes of Bibles and the old air conditioner from the rectory… that has not been my experience. They’re well lit and beautiful places to try to catch a dose of sobriety!
—3/2. Can you still smoke weed?
Let me combine two similar questions here…
In my first few years of sobriety, I don’t ever remember anybody wondering that. But since legalization of marijuana has been on an uptick over the past decade or so, I have heard that one quite a bit, including from a few newcomers who were coming to their first meetings.
It’s a tricky one to answer in general, because I’ve heard people make compelling cases that most sober literature focuses heavily on alcoholism, and alcohol alone. I’ve definitely heard of people identifying themselves as alcoholic/addict, or just addict, and then being told that alcoholism meetings are for alcoholics only. I was at a different 12-step fellowship recently where the group conscience was to ask people to identify as clean, not sober.
I personally don’t get too hung up on that stuff. I have a more liberal interpretation of that, because I know the truth about me and my addictions: I cannot drink alcohol, smoke weed, take pills, anything. I say I am an alcoholic and an addict, and I consider myself clean and sober.
The second, similar question that I get: I’ve noticed just in the past year or two, as legalized gambling sweeps through the country, I have gotten asked, “Are you able to smoke weed? And what about gambling?” My answer is that I personally do not gamble because I just know it wouldn’t end well for me. When I was active with drugs and alcohol, I did gamble quite a bit and never got into too much trouble with it—not like booze and pills, anyway. But I saw it doing some of the same things to my brain, so I avoid it.
—1. Do you have to go to meetings forever?
Well, let me put it this way: Yes, as long as I view forever as one day at a time. I don’t know if I am going to need to stay sober for five more weeks or five more months or five more decades. I am just trying to make sure I don’t drink or do drugs today.
But to answer that question fully, I will say that I often wondered that myself, even when I got into the rooms and started hearing the “One day at a time” mantra. I’d never been arrested, never had a suspended license, never gotten a DUI, never been fired from my job, never even bought drugs from a drug dealer… maybe somebody like me wasn’t bad enough to need meetings for the rest of my life?
Haha, I can genuinely laugh at that now. I belonged in my seat at rehab, and I earned my spot at 12-step meetings, too.
And to harp on the same point I make here at this newsletter quite a bit: I don’t view it as HAVING to go to meetings all the time. I WANT to go to meetings, and again, it’s not because I am a spiritual superstar. My life is better when I do. I’m happier. My wife and kids are happier. My co-workers are happier.
And the people at parties asking me about sobriety are happier, because I’m not face down, ass up in their bathtub in a pile of my own vomit.
On that note… have a happy Thursday!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A small child was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her father, a very heavy drinker, don his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
Amused, her father responded, "And why not, darling?"
As if it were the most obvious answer in the world, his daughter replied, "You know it always gives you a headache the next morning!"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, September 2005, by Richard M. of Golden, Colorado)
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