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I was at a men’s meeting the other day where the topic was moral inventory, and specifically the role that fear plays in all of our lives. It was during an NFL playoff game on a Sunday afternoon, and I had this a-ha moment of sitting in a circle of 30 men, talking about the relationship between pride and fear instead of watching football, and I couldn’t help but feel grateful. Oh, and also appreciative of the torture we put ourselves through.
Let me start with the sheer gratitude. As we went around the room, so many big tough dudes shared very vulnerable things about the way their brains work and the way they take inventory on a regular basis. A lot of the shares revolved around the way that fear is under every rock you lift up. If you’re really mad, there’s probably quite a bit of fear wrapped up in that anger. If you’re sad, there’s probably a lot of fear in there. If you’re insecure, there’s definitely fear around every corner. Hell, if you have money issues, there’s probably fear in there.
So I felt gratitude that I had so many people in my life modeling good habits when it comes to understanding what is going on inside my head, the buttons that I have that get pushed on a regular basis and how to keep my side of the street clean.
Now, about the idea of torture: It can be torture sometimes. I got fired up at Target the other day because it was cold out and the whole front of the store was crowded with people who parked illegally waiting for someone to come out. It was chaos getting in and out of the store, all so people could save themselves 10 seconds of being in the cold in New England in January. It comes with the territory, people. Have you considered parking in the crazy invention known as a PARKING LOT, everybody?
I gave one guy the stink-eye and then thought to myself, “What do I care? How does it affect me if somebody has their blinkers on parked right in front of a store? And how do I know that they weren’t waiting for their 95-year-old grandfather who uses a wheelchair to come out of the store?” It was a quick moral inventory that straightened out my brain, but I also had a moment where I thought, “Goddamn, can I just be a pissy brat for five minutes about the Target parking lot? Why do I need to do a deep dive into my psyche when most other people don’t? Let me be an a*****e!”
But that’s the gift—and the torture—of recovery moral inventories. As much as they can feel punishing sometimes, and as frustrating as it can be that not everybody takes the same kind of look in the mirror on a regular basis, this is the best way to live for somebody like me. I’d rather walk this earth being 10 percent too hard on myself than 10 percent too hard on everybody else.
So I had a pleasant trip to Target and let it go that people park wherever the hell they want. I’ll never get aggravated about it again.
(Just kidding. On the way out, I found myself dusting off the stink-eye that I had used on the way in…)
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Heard at meetings
"I was a senior citizen when I got to AA. Now I'm more of a senior citizen because I got to AA."
(Credit: Grapevine, May 2009, by Mary B. of Menominee, Michigan)
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