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I learned almost right away how important service is to sobriety. I remember I only had a week or two sober when my first 12-step group voted me in as a greeter, and I loved it. It also forced me to meet people and get plugged in and stay plugged in with the group. It was clear that service had to be a part of my life if I were going to stay sober.
In sober literature, service is a constant theme. My 13-year sobriety coin says “Unity, Recovery, Service” on it. So it’s obviously really important.
I often hear that, though, and think it means service within sober programs, and that’s it. In my head, I think if I am chairing one group and the treasurer for two other meetings and I sponsor people… hooray, I did my service!
But I am unaware of any spots in any sober programs that emphasize that service work ends at the door to the church. In fact, I believe the concept of practicing these principles in all our affairs means exactly the opposite.
I am thinking about this because my wife and kids recently got invited to a baby shower in New Jersey, about a four-hour drive away. You may recall me moaning and groaning a few months ago because they got invited to a bridal shower in New Jersey six months ago, and I ended up driving them to and from it. I called myself their Uber Goober—I literally was not invited to either of these events.
So when my wife asked me if I had any interest in driving them to the baby shower, through some of the toughest roads and bridges and tunnels in the United States, my first thought was, “I have absolutely zero interest in doing that. In fact, what is less than zero? Fine, I have -5 interest in being your Uber Goober again.”
But my second thought is usually better than my first. So I thought about how nice it would be for my wife and our three daughters if they didn’t have to worry about the stress of getting there and back, so I volunteered.
I knew what I was getting into. It is a thankless job. About the only commentary I get is why I took that road or slow down or I have to pee or I have to pee AGAIN or something smells bad, it must be dad. But I took the job anyway, and the idea of doing service work beyond the rooms of 12-step programs was in my head. I need to get better at that—I don’t want to be a kind, generous person to all my sober friends and then an asswipe to my family.
So I did it. I drove them down and back. It sucked big-time, and I definitely spent an hour or so on the way home saying things to myself like, “I will never again help out unless there’s something in it for me” and “Do they even know how sucky the Garden State Parkway is on a Sunday afternoon as they listen to their music and play their iPad games?”
Then we stopped as a gas station in Jersey, and when we went inside, there was a motorcycle dude with a jacket that said “Sober and free.” It had a few visuals that indicated this guy might be in a program—also, I’m pretty sure the word “sober” helped my amazing Sherlock Holmes skills. I approached him and we started talking, and sure enough, he had 12 years sober. I mentioned the rehab I went to in New Jersey, and his eyes lit up… he speaks there once a month about the beauty of sobriety.
In the car, my wife and kids got a kick out of me making a friend in a gas station candy aisle. “Everywhere you go, you find some friend to talk to!” my wife said.
Yep, that’s one of the gifts of this program. And it’s also a form of service. That guy has no idea how much he helped me get right-sized and in a better headspace for the rest of the trip home. By the time we got to Connecticut, I was grateful for the opportunity to get my family to and from New Jersey safely and efficiently.
Did I get any thank yous from the four of them for being an incredible Uber Goober? Nope. But I went to bed that night knowing the truth, which is that it was good service work for my family, whether they know it or not. So the Uber Goober slept really well!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS....
An old-timer spoke about the danger of becoming complacent and explained the need for the Steps in her life. "The way I see it," she said, "I might have gotten the monkey off my back, but the circus is still in town."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, September 2005, by S.E.A. from New York, NY)
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