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One of the things that kept me drinking and drugging for awhile is that I would evaluate myself with no outside input, and I would evaluate my drinking and drugging by thinking about how much I did it and what happened when I did. What I should have been thinking about is when I didn’t drink and drug.
What I mean by that is, I would have an internal assessment that went something like this: Well, I’m not addicted to anything. I drank some on Monday and Thursday. I did a bunch of painkillers on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I took all those muscle relaxers on Tuesday. And I took Wednesday off because I was so hung over. I can’t be an addict if I am not physically having any kind of withdrawals AND I took a day off, right?
Where do I start with the problem areas of that self-assessment?
First of all, “I drank some” is a common refrain I’ve used. “Some” was usually way more than I remembered, and I routinely can recall opening the fridge and wondering what happened to all my beer. I usually would suspect someone of stealing it, but the truth is, nobody broke in and stole 20 cans of beer but left the TV and computer and everything else. I would often think back to the night before and feel like I drank 4 or 5 beers, and the truth was, I drank 12-15 beers. The person who stole the beers was me.
Secondly, look at that schedule. Rotating between substances every other day? Applauding yourself for taking one day off… but the only reason you took that day off was because you were so wrecked you couldn’t get out of bed? Not good.
Thirdly, I remember doing that sort of evaluation and giving myself enormous credit for things like not driving while intoxicated, and that I did most of my substance abuse away from everybody else so nobody was really affected, and that I hadn’t been fired from work, that I hadn’t been arrested. These are all pretty low standards to hold yourself to, don’t you think?
But the real reason I wrote this today is because of a tweet I saw from a recovering alcoholic who had had a medical procedure and was struggling with pain medication. I should say up front that I have no opinion on whether other people should or shouldn’t use pain medication after a medical procedure. I know I probably should avoid at all costs but that’s as far as my opinions go on the topic.
So she tweeted that she would have a lot of pain, take one painkiller and immediately want to swallow every pill. She said she couldn’t stop thinking about it and wanted to know what to do.
What that reminded me of was the value of assessing your drug and alcohol use by how you think and behave when you’re not drinking and drugging. I used to get sucked into thinking that I know many, many people who drank too much and puked and then felt hung over the next day, just like I did. They were normal drinkers, so I must be, too?
But the difference between normal drinkers and people like me are the days when they don’t drink. If you forget that you didn’t drink or drug at all over the weekend, then that’s probably good news and you’re a normal drinker. If you spent the entire week waiting for the weekend so you could go crazy, and your whole body and mind is obsessed counting down the minutes… that’s NOT good news.
So that tweet reminded me of how blatant my addiction issues are when I am white knuckling, counting down the minutes till I can do something I want to do, when I am plotting and planning and salivating… those are the times when it is so obvious that I have a problem. Yes, it helps to figure out how much you drink and how often you do it. But man, if I ever counted the number of obsessive thoughts about the second I could pick up something and escape, it would be ridiculous. So glad I don’t have to live like that any more.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
How many AAs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to make the coffee, one to chair, and one to guide it through the Steps so it can learn to change itself.
(Credit: AA Grapevine, September 2002, John S.)
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