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One of the biggest differences between me when I was drinking and me when I’m sober is how serious I take appointments. I’m not just talking doctor’s appointments. I mean, 12-step meetings, work meetings, get-togethers at your house, movie start times… all of it. If I say I am going to meet you somewhere at 6 p.m., I make damn sure that I am there before 6 p.m.
That isn’t how it was when I was active. I was a sloppy mess with just about everything back then, but one of my most insulting behaviors was telling you I’d meet you for lunch at 1 p.m. and then show up at 1:31 pm. I used to think, “Hey, if I say 1 and then I get there at a time that has the number 1 at the front of it… that’s close enough.”
Listen, I don’t want to blow it out of proportion. I think it was definitely worse that I was driving around with my kids after eating 30 Vicodin, and that I might have stolen those 30 Vicodin from your medicine cabinet.
But the time thing has become really important to me because it’s a blatant example of me being selfish in my opinion, and it is one that can be a really good litmus test on my sobriety. Why? Because often times people let it slide, or they do it themselves. And those character defects that make you wonder “Hey, what’s the big deal?” feel like the kind of little slips that could begin the slide toward a big slip.
I know that probably seems like I am being overly dramatic, and perhaps I am. But I think when I tell you I will be at your house at 5:30, I made you a promise. It’s a commitment. And keeping commitments is an important principle in my program. I’m really proud of the progress I made, and I think my friends and family would say that they noticed it and that it matters to them now when I make a time commitment to them.
But you may still be asking, what’s the big deal if I leave my house at 5:27 and get to yours at 5:39? It’s a fair question. I don’t want to take myself too seriously. If you’re late for stuff sometimes and it doesn’t feel like an issue, I totally get that. It isn’t a terrible thing for everybody; it’s just something I try to avoid.
When I am late, what is actually happening for me is that I made a commitment, shrugged my shoulders about it and watched TV, then left at the last minute because you’ll get over it. That is not something I want to do a lot of, because I know where that path could lead.
Pretty soon, I leave at 5:29 and get to your house late, and you ask why, and I immediately say, “Oh, there was an accident on the way.” Now I’m making up stuff to cover my ass… I just don’t want to be doing that. Plus, I think it’s really unfair to you. I think when I do stuff like I just described, deep down, I’m saying to myself, “Ah, it’s just so-and-so.” Again, not something I want to be doing a lot of.
If I go back to the headline on this newsletter, it’s “Time is precious… but calm the f**k down.” Let me talk about the “calm down” part of this. I also notice me taking time a little too seriously. On family trips, my wife and I talk the night before about how we’re going to pack up now and try to leave at about 10 a.m. Then it’s 10:03 and I look like a vampire who needs to drain some blood out of somebody’s neck asap.
That’s when I find stuff coming out sideways. A few weeks ago, that exact scenario happened when we were packing up to drive to Pennsylvania to see family. It was a four-hour drive and we were a few minutes late getting on the road.
But we weren’t going to a wedding or funeral that started at a specific time. So the launch time was kind of a made-up aspiration, and yet I was treating it like the takeoff time for a private jet I paid for.
So that’s where my commitment to following through on commitments got a little out of control. I found myself leaning on my wife and kids pretty hard, using aggravated tones and a heaping helping of sighs and muttering around my breath. That’s not cool. My whole principle of being on time is great, but who cares if I am on time if I am an a*****e? Like, get some perspective, dude!
One thing that I have found helpful is to go in the bathroom down the home stretch of loading up the gang, right about when it becomes obvious we are not going to meet our goal, and saying a quick prayer that’s along the lines of, “God, please walk with me right now. Please help me to remember it’s the people I am traveling with that matter, not when we pull out of the driveway. Please help me to be calm and patient, calm and patient, calm and patient. Amen.”
Then I walk out of the bathroom and scream, “Hurry up or I am getting a new family!!!!”
Just kidding.
I’m usually in 10% better place. Then I buckle in and try to enjoy the ride.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A POSTCARD FROM A DRUNK:
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
(Credit: AA Grapevine, November 2007, from Anonymous)
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