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I caught myself recently using the words “always” and “never” pretty freely when I was describing people or things. By that, I mean saying “You always do x, y and z” to someone. Or, “You never listen when I tell you stuff.”
I noticed it because I was at a meeting where we were reading about character defects, and there was an emphasis in the literature to make sure we aren’t saying “I’ll never get rid of that.” That made me think of all the places in recovery literature where the authors are telling us it’s fine if we don’t believe in God, or don’t want to change a character defect, or don’t have any interest in not being angry. The literature often says to just leave the door ajar a bit, to not have contempt prior to investigation on anything. In other words, be open-minded.
When my wife and I were going to marriage counseling, our therapist often would say that those words—always and never—are two of the most damaging thought patterns to have. She said thought patterns because even if we don’t say out loud to our spouse that she never listens to me or always ignores me, it’s not much better to constantly think that. Her point was it still influences how you talk and behave if you’re just bottling up this extreme idea of your partner never or always doing something.
Here’s the thing, too: Always and never are always wrong and never right. When I say there is always traffic on that road, or that a restaurant never gets an order right… is that true? If I went to that shitty taco place across town 100 times, would they get the order wrong 100 times? Probably not, right? When I say that that road always is backed up with cars… am I sure? Or am I exaggerating?
I’ve been using those words a lot lately, and it’s because I have a tendency to be overly dramatic and want you to think the thing that I am dealing with is the biggest and baddest thing ever. Even describing that just now, I went for the most over-the-top description possible. But one thing I know is, the more clean and serene I am with my recovery life, the more I am building into every word and thought that there are grey areas in this world, not absolutes.
So as silly as this sounds, always and never are always immediate signs that I am a little wobbly. Maybe I need to always realize that and never do it again?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
DRUNK RUSHING up to a bartender: “Was Joe in here an hour ago?"
Bartender: "Yes, why?"
Drunk: "Was I with him?"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, October 1953)
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