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I’ve been reading Steps 8 and 9 quite a bit at meetings recently, and it’s reminded me of a time I heard a wise old sober guy once discuss his experience with the amends process. And more specifically, I remember the way that he tore down the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
His point was that in the amends process, you want to make things right for the other person, and you want to meet them where they’re at in order to do that. He described himself as someone who likes to take things head on, to have face-to-face conversations to resolve conflict efficiently and directly. So he said when he considered how he would have liked amends to have been done with him, he would have wanted to sit down and speak one-on-one with the person.
But he said he had some people who declined his amends invitations. He had some others who he asked to meet up to make amends, and they said they didn’t want to talk about them, but that they accepted the general amends process and wanted to move on. So in those situations, the golden rule would have you believe that this guy’s principle about face-to-face resolution should be imposed upon others, and he was saying that that was b******t.
That really made me think about the entire premise of “do unto others.” I have said it many times. I’ve probably taught it to my kids. And in my experience, I’ve only ever heard that philosophy mentioned from a place of love. When I’ve said it, I said it with good intentions. And most of the time, it’s used in very universal situations such as… I don’t want to be punched in the face; therefore, I try not to punch other people in the face. I don’t want other drivers to go 100 MPH on the road; therefore, I don’t go 100 MPH. I don’t want you to steal my car; therefore, I don’t steal cars.
But there are grey areas, and for that reason, I really am going to make an effort to be more open to the idea of meeting people where they are, whether I’m making an amends or I’m just in an everyday situation where I need to be respectful of how someone else thinks.
I’ll give you a good example within my own life. I’m not nearly as rash and impulsive as I used to be. But I still like to hear the three cellphone service options, sit with them for a few minutes, then pick one. I’m not someone who spends hours calling other companies and trying to match offers and all that. I like to make a decision and let it go.
My wife, on the other hand, is very deliberative. She doesn’t mind sitting with things for a few hours, a few days, sometimes a few weeks. So when it comes to decision-making, I wouldn’t want either one of us to decide “Do unto others” and dog the other one to decide things exactly the same way.
That’s just a minor example of a bigger concept, which is that the better phrase—in my humble opinion—should be something like “do unto others as they would prefer it be done unto them.” In other words, go overboard on trying to absorb how that person likes to be treated and try to meet them closer to that, versus how you would like to see it happen. Because when you boil down the golden rule, it’s kind of selfish—it’s basically saying you do things the right way and the world should be following your example.
Boy, now that I actually write that out, I’m wondering if maybe I need to reread this whole thing every day and try to get better at it! I think I understand it quite well… but maybe the application could use some more work.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A newcomer is struggling to get the ketchup out of the jar when the telephone rings. “Would you get that, Jenny?” she asks her 4-year-old.
The child eagerly obeys. “It’s your sponsor,” she informs her mom. Then she goes back to the phone.
“Mommy can’t talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, April 2003, Richard M. from Golden, Colorado)
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