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I went to a meeting recently where I was barely present. I lost a close friend recently, and it was just so damn sad. I found myself in a haze for large chunks of time, and the only thing I really know to do in those moments is get to a meeting. And then another one. That has always been the right answer for me.
I hardly remember what the topic was, and I didn’t share that night. But what I do remember is getting at least 10 hugs from people. Men, women, old, young, everybody. It got me thinking about our tradition of hugging each other in sobriety. Where did that come from? Why not hand shakes? Fist bumps? High fives? Or just a smile and a small hand wave in someone’s direction?
I actually love the tradition of hugging. I definitely think there’s a place for people to decline hugs, and I don’t often hug someone I don’t know. Lots of people come to recovery with stories that include complicated backgrounds when it comes to intimacy, so hugs from random strangers can be problematic. So my suggestion would be to be very aware of that when handing out hugs.
But for me, the hug between sober people means something. We’ve all been through some s**t, and we’re not dead. That alone is worthy of a hug. There’s something about the shared experiences that are not exactly the same but include a lot of the same basic themes—sadness, isolation, shame, lying, declining morals, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Again, gimme a hug for that, friend!
I do think there is a very thin line between expressing a quick hug, and being weird about it. I’ve seen guys walk into a meeting and give a long hug to the female greeter and a quick handshake to the male greeter. I always try to make sure my motive is exactly as I think it is, which is that I tend to hug everybody I know.
I’ve watched it spread into my regular life now. When I see an old high school friend, or any relative, or a friend from work, I go right in for the hug. It’s definitely not always the best idea. Some people just don’t really want any kind of handshake or hug or anything. I had a work friend that I saw across the room a few years ago, and I smiled and waved and started walking over. Before I even got to her, she seemed to know I was coming over with a hug and she said, “Good to see you! Let’s do a handshake” and she stuck out her hand. She clearly didn’t want a hug, and I get that. So we had a nice handshake instead.
I’ve tried to be more conservative in professional settings with being a hugger. I had a female colleague once who said, “Listen, I try to not hug anybody because it can get very complicated. I’m in executive leadership and just don’t need any kind of misunderstanding about who gets hugs and who doesn’t.” I totally get that. No more hugs there.
I’ll close with a funny story. I was at the mall recently and ran into a sober friend and his girlfriend, who I had never met. I gave him a hug, and then I had a split-second to contemplate whether to hug him but then… what? wave at her? Handshake? Nothing?
Finally, I said to her, “You know what? We’ve never met but I’ve got a hug for you too!” and we hugged. In retrospect, I probably should have just said a very heartfelt, “Nice to meet you!” and left it at that. But she didn’t call mall security, so hopefully we’re okay.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
TALK ABOUT MIXED MESSAGES! This typo cropped up in the classified ad that we ran in the local newspaper. (It did not draw a crowd, however.)
IF YOU WANT TO STOP DRINKING AND CAN'T, WE CAN HELP.WE HAVE ALL BEER THERE. CALL ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.
(Credit: AA Grapevine, March 2004, by Bill C. of Vancouver Island, British Columbia)
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