I’m writing a memoir… out loud. Building a book. Fragment by fragment. Like I lived it.
I told a small, self-deprecating… white lie.
To get out of committing to volunteering for a new project.
My bad.
You see? I had history with this person. Co-founder of an advocacy nonprofit. Small. Neurodivergency-affirming. Big ideas. Little organization.
“I’m not sure I’m the right guy for your project. I just can’t seem to do something… this big… anymore.” I just want to gracefully bow out. Yet not hurt feelings. Or challenge them.
I plough on gamely, “Maybe we can chat once in a while…?”
“Sure you can! I know you can do it!” That zeal of a new convert to pop psychology. Rapid-fire words ricocheting out of my headset. “You just have imposter syndrome. I know. Because I do too! I have this book you could read…”
I tried to be gentle. “My friend, I don’t have a syndrome of any kind. I’m just telling the truth. No need for diagnosis.”
It went rapidly downhill from there.
Let’s say, I felt immediate… unease.
While we were talking. But I didn’t know why. Yet.
But like a persistent smell neurodivergent-dot-me can never ignore… that feeling lingered. Building as I replay the conversation over and over. Then it takes days to recover. Before I can work on my projects again.
Because what I experienced? Some label “benevolent ableism.” I call it soft-core discrimination. Trying to look like… kindness.
I’ll never know their motivation. I won’t risk the pain of asking.
You see? “Kind” words can do real damage.
All you really gotta do to cause pain? Simply speak in the grammar of help… then act out the logic of condescension.
That’s it.
Some research supports this… catch-22. Patronizing support? It’s one of the most common, damaging, and invisible acts one human can perpetrate on another disabled human. That I know.
Cuz it’s deniable. So at best, socially dangerous to challenge. A lot like an unwanted, ambiguous… intimate… gesture. From an acquaintance. And queasiness has only gotten worse for me with every ambiguous human interchange.
The weapon and pain metaphors I use in the performance piece? Intentional.
Cuz the escalation you may experience?
These. Are. My. Reality.
This ain’t about an additional diagnosis. Or a personality flaw. It is about me being autistic-as-fuck me.
Yeah. I may be a tad more sensitive to condescension than the Average Bear. Just like I need sunglasses. Even on many cloudy days.Which ought to be actually advocated for. Not patronized. By an advocate. Or employer. Or loved one.
Cuz this is not something I can self-help-guru my way out of. Or be trained to control through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Like I need one more thought to exhaustingly monitor. Monitoring that could never “cure” my sensory issue with smells. Or my freaking balance problems. Least of all my condescension trauma…
So, the only guiding principle I must remember when I navigate social or professional waters…
“I must honor my limits. Or they will disable me.”
One last thing…
I wrote this about my real experiences as an autistic professional. In a world unkind to difference.
But my guess? Folks from any “disadvantaged” background may see themselves in it.
Let’s build on that kinship. Maybe make a change. Together.
Intro
Content Note: Contain”
Intro
Content Note: Contain”
Intro
Content Note: Contains descriptions of everyday condescension… and opinions. That may resonate uncomfortably for autistic, neurodivergent, and… other people.
The Cruelest Knife Leaves No Scar
You never feel the cruelest knife Poison-tipped with a pat on the head A smugly… gentle… smile Words so softly, warmly… said.
He only said… “You’re flourishing. Even with autism. Good on you.”
Judgment is like napalm Dropped benignly… safely… from on high Burning invisibly… under my skin.
She casually said… “You got imposter syndrome. I got this book…?”
Or some radiant dirty bomb Parachuting slyly… tenderly… Silently melting my guts inside.
The manual simply read… “Neurodivergents think outside the box. That makes them perfect… for certain tasks.”
Leaving a foul smell in the air Mustard gas masquerading… Like piercing gas-station incense Labelled... blindingly, “Stay Calm.”
Stealth Weapons of Mass Humiliation Or casual toxic caring Preening in plain sight Don’t breed even sullen gratitude Just resentment. Rebellion. Sometimes? The worship of tyrants.
You never feel the cruelest knife No, Not right away. A slice so sharp it leaves no scar So weird… that instant shapes my life.
This is Fragment 3 of a memoir I’m writing in public.One autistic elder’s life, told in fragments. Like I lived it.
Follow the bread crumbs… Fragment 1 here.
If this landed for you… the next one lands in your inbox… free.
Readings for Your Deeper Dive
Not exhaustive. Just sources that made me think.
Benevolent Ableism
* “Consequences of Confronting Patronizing Help for People with Disabilities” Harvard Kennedy School Government and Applied Psychology Lab · January 2023https://gap.hks.harvard.edu/consequences-confronting-patronizing-help-people-disabilities-do-target-gender-and-disability-type
* “Misguided Gestures of a Condescending Kindness” Radical Accessible Communities · July 2013https://radicalaccessiblecommunities.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/misguided-gestures-of-a-condescending-kindness/
Ableist Microaggressions
* “Ableist Hostility Disguised as Friendliness” Real Social Skills · January 2016https://realsocialskills.org/2016/01/08/ableist-hostility-disguised-as-friendliness/
* “Ableist-Microaggressions Towards People with Disabilities” REDIS / CEDID · n.d.https://redis.cedid.es/index.php/redis/article/download/1161/568/
Discriminatory Gaslighting vs. Imposter Syndrome
* “Imposter Syndrome, Or Something Else? Historian Talks Discriminatory Gaslighting” NPR · May 2021https://www.npr.org/2021/05/09/995172973/imposter-syndrome-or-something-else-historian-talks-discriminatory-gaslighting
* “Imposter Syndrome in Neurodiversity” The Rowan Well · December 2024https://www.therowanwell.co.uk/blog/imposter-syndrome-in-neurodiversity
Performative Allyship & Movement Co-optation
* “Performative Neurodiversity – the Appropriation and Watering Down of a Human Rights Movement for Profit” Therapist Neurodiversity Collective · May 2024https://therapistndc.org/performative-neurodiversity-the-appropriation-and-watering-down-of-a-human-rights-movement-for-profit/
* “Performative Allyship Within Capitalist Systems” Neurodiverging · January 2024https://www.neurodiverging.com/performative-allyship-within-capitalist-systems/
Autistic Identity, Masking & Ableism (Research)
* “Understanding Autistic Identity Contingencies” PubMed Central · December 2025https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12804416/
* “The Division Between Neurodiversity Advocates and The Rest of the World” Neuroclastic · January 2026https://neuroclastic.com/nd-nt/
Counterpoint / Complicating Perspectives
* “Make Neurodiversity Boring” Boston Review · June 2025https://www.bostonreview.net/forum/the-future-of-neurodiversity/make-neurodiversity-boring/
* “The Definitional Problems at the Heart of the Neurodiversity Movement” STAT News · November 2025https://www.statnews.com/2025/11/24/neurodiversity-movement-neurotypical-definitional-problems/
Weapon Metaphor & Language (Supporting Context)
* “The Metaphor as Weapon” Harvard Political Review · February 2015https://harvardpolitics.com/metaphor-weapon/
* “Weaponizing Words: War Metaphors and Public…” UIN Malang e-Journal · June 2025https://ejournal.uin-malang.ac.id/index.php/humbud/article/view/32376
Connect:
* Drop a comment… How do you experience… condescension?
* How have you answered it?
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every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,art, poetry, and raw neurodivergent truth. Thirteen pieces. One autistic life, unfiltered. Available on Amazon
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I’m an autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I’ve been publishing AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… work that refuses to be packaged.
My spoken word piece , every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, was published in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, I spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day about my illustration work rooted in autism & ADHD.
I live in a rural Indiana trailer… across the courtyard from my wife’s trailer… with my 2 dogs & cat. Occasionally I shave… to face Walmart.
The algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.
#SpokenWord #AutismAcceptance #AutisticPoetry
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