Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.
My sinus infection is getting a little bit better today but it is still there. So, I still have a very nasal sound to my singing and I feel like I can’t give it a hundred percent emotion and soul. Which is a shame because the songs in today’s episode are quite gritty, emotional ones. I just have to sing them a bit smoother and softer to take care of my voice this week.
Okay, here is one I wrote as a songwriting exercise in 2006 - just a couple of months after Christina Aguilera’s release of her Back to Basics album. I knew that there was a formula for every genre or style of music - I mean, I was just following the formula for pop rock songs since I started writing - but at that point I haven’t yet started to try to actually write in many other genres since I was still trying to master one. So, after listening to and being inspired by the Back to Basics era, I thought I would try it out.
Also, I think I remember around that time or maybe a few months before, my music class had just finished learning about blues and Chuck Berry and how Chuck Berry innovated rock and roll through the musical techniques of blues.
So, I wanted to try my hand at writing a very simple blues song - in E major of course. However, I didn’t use the 12-bar structure. I tried to at first, just to have a template to put lyrics and chords in already, but it just didn’t really work out that way when I kept writing.
This song is called Blues for You, written on the 4th of October 2006.
061004 Blues for You
Searching all my lifeDon’t know what I’m looking forSearching for the rightNobody so farSearching east to westGotta settle for the bestNobody but youBut you don’t have a clueThat I got the blues for youI got the blues for youI got bad news for youAnd it’s that I got the bluesBlues for you
You’ve been after her for a year nowShe don’t even want you nowTime to get her outta your mindCause she got rid of youNow you don’t got a womanAnd you ain’t even cryingYou say you don’t careI, I know it ain’t fairCause I got the blues for youYou got the blues for herI got bad news for youAnd it’s that she ain’t got the bluesBlues for you
I’m stuck in a rutI don’t need your helpI’m gonna be giving up soonDon’t say I’m obsessedCause you know nothing ‘bout meAnd my feelings for himOne thing I am gonna give awayI gotta sayThat I got the blues for himI got the blues for himI got bad news for youAnd it’s that I got the bluesFor him and not you
I got the blues
Now in five years' timeYou’re gonna look backAnd you’re gonna say to yourselfI went a little off trackCause by then I’d have found someoneWho has the blues for me tooAnd by then I’d be rememberingThat once II had the blues for youI had the blues for youI got bad news for youI ain’t got no blues for you no moreI had the blues for you
Right. this next song is one that holds a lot of weird feelings for me. Let’s talk about friendship breakups, for a minute.
Friendship breakups are just as hurtful if not even more hurtful than romantic breakups. We obviously have a lot of literature and media offering advice on how to deal with seperation in a romantic setting, divorce, long-term partnerships, and so on; even a lot of content on how to heal from toxic family relationships and breakdowns - but hardly any on friendship breakups.
I won’t go into every single hot take I have on friendship breakups but I will just, very briefly, share one of my experiences today. This is about me and my teenage best friend. His name is - and yes, I am going to name names - Josh. Joshua.
I have mentioned a lot of my mates that I call ‘best friend’ or ‘one of my best friends’ here in this series, and that’s because we had a very close friendship group growing up.
Sometimes it did get a little incestious when people would date people that other people have already dated, as is normal, I suppose, when you grow up together within an established grouping. And I have already mentioned some of my friends being coupled up and stuff. However I am very very proud to say that I’ve never hooked up with or had a thing with anyone from the inner circle of our original friend group. I always made damn sure that I didn’t s**t where I ate and only hooked up with dudes from other schools or at least other friend groups. I just had to make a quick disclaimer there because I realise that I mention a lot of my childhood guy mates on here, but rest assured I never engaged with them in such a way. I saw them all as my brothers and cousins and close family friends at that point.
In saying that, it is not lost on me that when somebody is one half of an opposite-gender friendship pairing, little matter the wider context of you guys’ social situation with others, many people mistake you as a couple or conspiracy start to follow you every now and then about being coupled.
I think that the biggest lesson that I’ve learnt throughout the years having been in co-ed friendship groups growing up and having an opposite-gender best friend, is that gendered dynamics within that friendship pairing still exists. Especially when each person in that friendship pairing adhere to traditional gender roles. I mean, for example, when a guy and a girl are best mates and neither of them are queer - say, a straight guy and his tomboyish best girl mate who presents and performs more masculine and is also attracted to women. Or a straight girl with a gay guy best friend. As opposed to just two run of the mill straight guy and girl best friends who presents and perfroms traditional gender imagery (for lack of a better word). You get what I’m saying.
And I acknowledge that there are many different relationship dynamics when it comes to having boy-girl friendships, it’s just that the experience I’m speaking from here is where you both are straight presenting people so others start to think you must be dating or have a thing for each other. That underlying theme carries through to one’s friendship throughout the years and creates a bit of tension with testing out what role each person plays in the platonic relationship without crossing boundaries. And of course, when you’re young and learning about interpersonal relationships, you will never not cross boundaries with friends and families. You just have to learn from those times and be more aware as you carry on your relationship with them. This is especially prevalent when you are just in the beginning stages of your friendship and still getting to know each other and each other’s temperment and boundaries. I mean, it’s already complicated enough being a girl and navigating the girl world with girl friends. So, it gets a little more sensitive with a straight opposite-gender friend with unavoidable gendered dynamics within various social contexts.
Okay, going back to the music… That was a long-winded explanation of something that I haven’t even talked about yet.
This is a song about being hurt by my straight male best friend as a 16 year old, back when our friendship was still in its first couple of years. He crossed some boundaries in the way he spoke to me. It was a time when we were still getting to know each other’s expectations and communication styles, I guess. Additionally, now that I think about it was probably a bit of a power struggle between the both of us. Joshua was a very forthcoming and sometimes harsh young man and I was a very opinionated young woman, so tensions were always going to be underpinning our friendship. I decided to quietly let it go after what happened at that time and our friendship grew over the years. We ended up having a very beautiful friendship overall and I did love him, loved him so much - platonically obviously. The same way I loved our whole very close friendship group. It’s just unfortunate that the tension between us grew and grew and did eventually break us down one night.
Actually, funnily enough, the last time Josh and I had ever properly spoken was at Alex’s birthday party - his 21st, if I recall correctly. (It’s always Alex’s birthday! The drama in his birthdays…) We had a fight and we never recovered from there. Josh eventually pulled himself away from the friend group because, as I understand it, he had other priorities at that time, and also because we were both pissed at each other. I did try to contact him a few weeks after that and try to negotiate a peace deal, but he was not having it and he did not want to speak to me. That was in 2012 and we have not spoken since then.
This song is called Better Recognise, written on the 27th of April 2008. In a way, this song forshadows the end of our friendship.
But check out the synth sound I chose for this song.
080427 Better Recognise
Always dreamingAlways doingNever finding time to thinkAbout how I’m really feelingIf I just had one wishI wish I didn’t have to deal with thisBecause someday you will seeThat nobody else could ever replace me
Just because I’m not your womanIt don’t give you the right to treat me this waySo you better recognise and learn how to appreciate
But now I’m freeI’m free from all those lies you had me tied down toI’m just walking awayYou’re historyWe’re finished, through and doneI’m done with youNow who’s playing the fool
Tell me somethingTell me storiesTell me how you’re really sorryBecause I could wait foreverJust to hear your apologyBut I just have this feelingAnd I know you feel it tooMaybe someday when you find me againYou might just get your way
Thank you for listening to episode 22 of Every Song. Until next time.
