Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.
This is the second to last episode of the first season. The song I’m going to play today is called The Last Melody. I initially thought to play this as the last song of the last episode tomorrow because the title would be fitting, but I decided against it. I didn’t want the season finale to be about romance since the whole second season will be about my relationships anyway. So, for today I will sing the last male-centred song of the first season. Plenty of time for more boy-talk next year.
What I want is to get all the songs that aren’t about or dedicated to my official relationships out of the way now. or at least most of those songs. Think of it as a ceremonial letting-go ritual. I may never sing these songs ever again because I’ve released them out into the world now and they’re no longer just kept inside me or my songbooks. Process complete. Well, to be honest, I can’t wait until I release and let go of all that is carried within songs that are about my previous relationships. Maybe it will help me process them fully and I can just fully focus on moving forward in my life without ever having to worry about keeping resentment inside me or holding unnecessary grudges. I only say unnecessary because I believe that there are some things that are so heinous that resentment and ill-feelings toward them hold validity.
Singing and talking through these songs that, I never realised, are like diary entries since I was a kid, and talking through them and what happened from memory, and looking back at my emotional responses to certain things have served as a reflectionary practice in the last few months. It’s started this awareness triggerpoint in me now that when I do or say or react to certain things which are ruled by my emotions, I stop and go, “Oh wait, is that because this happened when I was younger and therefore now the only way I know how to cope with that is to do XYZ?” Just a bit more self-awareness is probably what I’m trying to say. Wait, can one be too annoyingly self-aware that it cripples onward progress in life? I’ll circle back to that in the future.
But for now, here’s a song about committing to never write about someone ever again. With reasons ranging from wanting to force oneself to just move on and never address it ever again because it was a painful experience to just not wanting to seem creepily obsessed about this one brief teenage connection and now it’s just beginning to become a symptom of loserism and it’s very f*****g embarassing. This does fall under the category of songs about X. After I wrote this song, I realised that I had the power within me to just make myself pretend people never existed, but in order for me to do that I had to unhealthily block out a lot of emotions and put walls up. Which wasn’t always succesfully executed, especially when I found myself in lovergirl mode and I completely devote all my love and life to one guy. This whole experience was probably one of the root causes of me having two hard sides when I deal with romantic discomfort. I’m either a cold hard b***h who doesn’t care about who she hurts or an utter pushover who tends to get controlled by any guy who shows the slightest sign of devotion back to me. I did eventually start growing out of this pendulum after my first relationship had ended. However, it’s still sometimes a hard habit to break especially when you’re out there as an adult in the dating scene and you just have to either toughen up and get your needs met or be vulnerable and risk being taken for granted.
This song is called The Last Melody, written on the 10th of September 2009.
090910 The Last Melody
I will write you a million songsEven if you only choose to listen to oneAnd I will follow wherever you goBut I’m still hoping that someday you will stopAll these words I’m sayingHave all been spoken beforeAnd all these promises I’m makingHave all been broken before|Because it’s been three yearsAnd I’m still right here on the same spot you left meAnd oh, these tears I’ve shedHave done nothing but resurrect the memories
I don’t want to rememberI don’t want to forgetI would like to stand by youAnd see your eyes againBut I should know betterThe heart is pitch blackThis melody I wrote for youWill be the last
I wonder if this scar of mine will ever healIt’s a record of the life that we once hadI should be thankful I even got the chance to love youEven though the opportunity has driven me madIt’s only because you were my firstYou were everything, you were my worldAnd I tried my best to believe youI did all I could to make things workBut it’s been three years and I’m still fighting fearsI still do not have a clueAbout where you are, what you are, who you truly areWe would have never made it this far
Thank you for listening to episode 53 of Every Song. Until next time.
