Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.
Here is a song about someone who had an incredibly unhealthy attachment style. He did everything he could to place the responsibility of his emotions and actions onto whoever he had formed a romantic connection with (even if it was forced). And a quick survey at the time revealed that I was about the third girl, that I knew of in our inner and outer circle, that he had done this to. I’ll go into more of the story after I play the song. It’s titled Patch Up a Friendship, written on the 1st of September 2008.
080901 Patch Up a Friendship
A boy with a gun’s just as dangerousAs a boy with a heartAnd all of these parallel linesAre invisible to the story of our livesHe has a guardian angelThat don’t say a wordShe controls the swinging of his moodEven though she’s just a girl
And I’m trying to make it rightTrying to make it through the nightTrying to find my way back homeBut I can’t cause hope is gone
I’m trying to learn how to patch up a friendshipBut nothing ever goes as it’s plannedAnd once I learn how to cry on a shoulderThen I’ll admit I need a handI’m trying to learn how to patch up a friendshipBut how can I help if I’m down on the groundSo, before I learn how to cry on a shoulderI’d have to accept your helping hand
Talking ‘bout bliss as we wishedFor all the memories to leave our dreamsWondering if joy would start to mean nothingIf we just felt it on a daily basisIf the sunshine don’t light up your smiling faceHe was lost in a foreign old townBut you helped him find a way out
Patch Up a Friendship was written at a time when I had just ended a situationship between myself and someone with whom I had mutual friends with. I had a very close friend group and he was part of a different friend group who would sometimes hang out with mine. Interestingly, I actually had an incredible distaste for this guy years prior to us having something going on —as in I could not stand this dude. However, I think we somehow connected because his friends were friends with a few of mine. And also because one of his close friends started dating my best friend. So, naturally we all just ended up in the same hangouts and parties from time to time. After I ended the situation, this guy was out here threatening to off himself and being super moody and dramatic in every party and drink-up we had. He did all this specifically to make me feel guilty for ending it. A lot of our mutual friends thought that I was heartless. But if they only really knew that I ended things because he had very toxic ideals of emotional regulation between two people who were just supposed to be getting to know each other. Turns out my initial gut feeling of something not sitting right with this guy was correct. And honestly speaking, it was a little terrifying ending things with someone who was a little unstable and had influence over how our friends would perceive me. Of course my close friends didn’t abandon me at the time and trusted that I may have had good reason, but from then on, I could sometimes see them cringing or side-eyeing whenever we would talk about my romantic situations with other guys because they had started to see me as a cold hard b***h. And for a while I just rode that wave. Because who would believe the girl in this context, right? So, I wrote this song bearing that guilt, wondering if things between our circles would settle down. I never spoke to this guy in a friendly way ever again but I kept cordial and avoided him in many social gatherings for years after that.
This next song is called Someone Understands, from 2009.
091027 Someone Understands
My life is crashing downBut you’ve kept me safe and sound in your armsYou’re disappearingAnd I’ve got noone to talk to anymoreYou’ve cut me to the core
And I’ve known what it’s likeTo be alone every night
Until you cameYou broke through these four wallsAnd rebuilt all the bridgesJust to show me all this loving still existsBut I’m still chained to believingThat this world in which we live inIs empty, I know I amBut you showed me someone out there gives a damn/understands
I think I’m falling in loveBut I don’t wanna sayCause I don’t want to cry once you make your wayThe touch of your hand and a forward leanPlease don’t just kiss then leave
Someone Understands was written on the 27th of October 2009, as a simple songwriting exercise. So, nothing of personal note in that one.
The last song for today is Paranoid, written on the 27th of May 2010. This was a song that I had a lot of fun writing lyrics for because since it’s about feeling paranoid and confused and not really knowing how to differentiate between my genuine feelings and just my butterflies, I was able to write lines that would contradict each other. A nd go any which way I wanted to with this one. I didn’t have to stick to just the one feeling that I needed to portray. You’ll see what I mean…
100527 Paranoid
Put your hand in mine and I’llShow you what you’ve been missing your whole lifeYou look at me and I’m smittenAnd my eyes tell you what I could have never said out loudI’m falling fast, so fast for youHave come to set me free and brighten up my bluesI’d rather take the long way homeAs long as you’re with meAnd I won’t have to be alone
Oh I, I’ve never felt so aliveI’ve never seen myself this calm beforeI’ve never been so alertI’ve become so paranoid
My heart’s been dormant for some timeBut you smile and waking up was all worth whileWe part but your words lingerIn my head, you got me wrapped around your fingerAnd half my friends believe that you’re a keeperAnd the other half say all they see is dangerMaybe so, I don’t know, I’m going with the flowI wanna roll with youDon’t wanna ride solo no more
How is this even possibleThis feeling’s so incredibleI’m cool, calm and collectedBut at the same time I’m apprehensiveI’m in harmony whenever you’re with meBut when you’re next to me, I feel so uneasyI’m confused but I know exactly what I wantCupid’s got me but his arrow was just too blunt
Oh you should ready for the time of your lifeCause I know no fear when you’re aroundI’ve never been at peace beforeI’ve become so paranoidAnd it’s all because of you
It’s all because I’ve become so paranoid
Thank you for listening to episode 10 of Every Song. Until next time.
