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welcome back to said out loud—the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable.
Self-control. I have zero self-control. And I'm learning that that is not godly. I always say I'm going to do something, and I don't do it. And I don't hold myself accountable. And I don't tell anybody else because then they can't hold me accountable. But then I keep myself in this cycle of like disappointment and guilt and shame because I didn't do those things. Like you're going to go to bed early and you're going to wake up early. You're going to ride your bike. You're going to have this whole plan in the morning and you're going to do your things and get it all done. And then I stay up late and then I can't wake up in the morning because I'm so tired and then I always make excuses like if you wake up too early your head's gonna hurt or if you wake up too early you're not gonna feel well or you know it rest. You deserve to rest.
And I think, I don't know where that comes from or where I started learning that. I think I remember as a kid, like if my mom didn't want to go to work, she just would not go. And she'd find an excuse and call off. And I think that just kind of showed me that you could do that. Which is not right. I think it's important to show up and go to work no matter what. That's your responsibility and your commitment. I think that might have been part of it. She also was somebody who didn't have a lack of self-control and I think it's led towards dopamine and feeling wanting to feel good and feel happy. And when you're sad or angry or something doesn't go your way or even when you're happy and excited, well for me, I want to eat something yummy or buy myself a treat or I want to go shopping. I think I deserve a little present because of the thing I just went through or achieved. Go out to dinner or, you know, cancel plans for the rest of the day or cancel work. Like, well, I did this, so now I can take a break.
But I need help in not doing that anymore. Because if I'm going to change my life, then I need to change that. Because that is down near the root of where everything is going to happen. And I think like the thing about it is that you can still do those things that you want to do. You just have to make time or make plans for them. Like maybe you stay up later but it's on the weekends so that you can sleep in in the morning. You don't have to get up and worry about things. But on Sunday night you go to bed early because you have to wake up on Monday and get your day started at 6. Because if I don't wake up early enough and get all my stuff done, then I'm behind.
Like today, I slept in until almost 8 o'clock. I just kept hitting the snooze and kept hitting the snooze and kept in my head justifying that I needed to sleep. And now I feel a little anxious and rushed because Mia has a sign language lesson at 9:30. It's already 8:47. She's not even awake yet. And I also think that I need to like steward that in my kids too because they're seeing what I'm doing and they're staying up late. So I need to teach them self-control. So I need God's help in figuring out how to do that. Because, like my other lesson for the day, I don't know what I'm doing here in motherhood. And I need help.
And I think it is just wild that we are given these humans to raise. And I've literally never done this before. I have no idea what I'm doing from day to day. And every day is so hard. And I don't want it to be hard. I want it to be joyful and nice. And there's some days where I feel like I don't even talk to my kids because I just want them to like go be in their rooms and away from me and that's pretty awful. And I feel like is it too late? Have I messed up already? Like I read these things about like when you're cleaning the house or cooking and doing things that you should have them be involved with you and doing it by your side, and not, you know, entertained in another room, like watching TV or on their iPads or something, keeping them busy. Their busy should be helping you in your home.
And I feel like that's something I want to try and do more of. Like there's no reason Cooper can't stand with me while I'm cooking dinner and help. He can learn how to chop things. He can learn how to season things. He can learn what things go with what.
from here i went off on a strange detour. hold on to your butts.
literally a rambling of my thoughts, unedited, unfiltered
i want to hear from you about this
