September 22, 2025, Seattle, WA —
After exorcising our summer road demons with blowout wins in Kansas City and a sweep of the battered Astros—capped by a 7–3 thrashing of Houston on national television so lopsided I forced my girlfriend to watch Chiefs–Giants in the Meadowlands instead—the 2025 Mariners now return home.
They’ll walk into what should be a frenzied T-Mobile Park on Tuesday to face the Rockies (-404 run differential) and then the Dodgers, who will probably have clinched the division before the weekend. Both these teams are focused on October for completely different reasons and the Mariners should take care of business. Now holding the tiebreaker over Houston, the Mariners need just three wins to clinch their first AL West title since I was 1.8 years old.
How will they blow this? I’m running out of scenarios. Maybe McCade Brown and his 9.17 ERA will figure it out in his 5th big-league start. Maybe the long-ball variance we’ve ridden all year finally fades in the fall dew. Maybe the Etsy Witch will recall the curse?
Worse: what if we actually *win* the division? A five-game series against the Tigers, three of which are at home, where we’ll likely be favored. Maybe Skubal hits the Chieftain the night before his first start like it’s 2016 and we stumble into the ALCS to face the Yankees—who also might not be good? Fuck. I’m getting ahead of myself.
Regardless, remember: no matter the outcome, no matter how chipper Goldsmith and Mentink sound while glazing Cal’s backside this week, this season will ultimately be a disappointment. We are still a lazy, pathetic, cheap franchise destined to watch the middle of the lineup walk out the door in free agency. Then we’ll take a deep breath and try to get excited about Julio’s second half splits, Canzone’s batting average or Williamson’s progress in Tacoma. In a few weeks, we will trick ourselves into believing in Sam Darnold and forget entirely about this miserable season.
Hopelessness is always where we land.
-Alex Johanson, Contributing Writer
