Ok, here we are on Day 7, one week later from when I started this whole experiment. I am in an interesting space because I won’t be doing more action steps possibly until Wednesday, as I have some other priorities that need to happen today and tomorrow.
What is happening is that I am connecting with people from my past and making some seriously big discoveries about myself that gave me some pretty cool ah-hah moments.
I figured out a nice little vicious cycle I have been living in for many years and it was with the help/mirroring of one of these friends that I have been made fully aware of a behavior of mine. I am always grateful for these when they happen because it gives me the opportunity to look at them and let them go. All part of this process.
I have been talking about the hyper-vigilance, fear, worry and anxiety pieces I’ve had for a while now and I am really learning now that it all come from trust, or the lack of it… in self and in a Source energy, whatever that is for you.
Having been through traumatic situations throughout my life, I got to the point where I was always on the watch, waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not trust.
I recognized yesterday that because of this, I am always on the lookout for the details and the when’s. For example: preparation in every way has been drilled into me since I was a Girl Scout and in the Army. Those teachings linked into the fact that I never felt safe as a child. I never knew what was going to happen next and I felt tormented because I was alone a lot or felt alone then (I’m an only child). I used hyper-vigilance as a coping mechanism throughout my life because I needed to know all of the details and potential outcomes.
I felt so out of control. Therefore, I needed to be in control.
News flash… there is no such thing as being in control. We can be in control of our emotions and how we work with them, just not other people or external situations or occurrences.
The other big thing I learned is the “when” about every moment of my life. I realized I am actually not naturally a scheduler; I like the flow of doing things I want to. I learned how to be a scheduler too.
So, as another friend of mine pointed out, I had been “time-boxing” myself into safety. Even my schedule was so firm and strict, there was hardly any flexibility in it at all. Knowing what was going to occur at all times helped me to feel safe, or so it seemed. Herein lies the freedom piece. There is no freedom in this at all.
This need to know the details and when things will happen caused me to lose the trust in myself, life and the Universe. I am always taken care of; I see this as I go. Since I haven’t fully trusted, there has been a limit to where I can go with this life.
The interesting thing, I was continuing to feel out of control and felt like I was losing my grip on everything to the point that even through this process, nothing felt like it was changing, even though it is.
And here we are.
This need to know the “details” and “when” has caused me so much anxiety. Truly, it has not been necessary as an adult, but as a child, I had to do it to feel safe. This is what therapists call an adaptation. Children are way smarter than we give them credit for sometimes and when they don’t know how to handle something, they cleverly figure out a way to make themselves feel better. As an adult, it becomes a behavior, a habit and a detriment.
And so, learning to be in the moment is where I find my freedom. Since I have no control of the outcome, the details and when don’t actually matter. Seeing this now, I will be practicing the fine art of self-love. I don’t need to know the outcome, so therefore, I don’t need to go to the nth degree of the “details.”
If you have ever listened to Esther/Abraham Hicks, there is something they say that has always intrigued me. “Whenever you’re feeling lost or stuck, go general.” I believe I understand what that means now. Going general is the exact opposite of details and focusing and it allows me to release some of the pressure on my brain to think and control.
Being able to feel safe in the moment and knowing everything is working out for me, without knowing about all the details and trying to be in control, is the thing I get to walk through today. Let’s see how this particular lesson progresses.
Thanks again for supporting this process of mine as I go through The Ride of My Life.
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