A lot has happened since I last wrote my blog and did the podcast. I am no longer in West Virginia and back in West Palm Beach for about 10 days.
I think I will start with the fact that the Phoenix is working its healing magic on me.
“This mythical bird is a symbol of hope, renewal, rebirth, immortality, resurrection, solitude and grace. Just like the phoenix emerges from its ashes, so do we, after devastation and loss. The phoenix gives mankind Hope and urges us to keep going. It asks us to keep up the human spirit.” Worldbirds.com
The Phoenix is in my logo for a reason. It has been my time, most recently, to follow the path of the phoenix, burning up the old and renewing into the remembered. I was going to say “new” but I’m not totally sure it is new. It feels like a sense of remembering the truth of who I am.
So incredible.
Anyway, the last time I talked about breathing and stillness, the act of going inside and not doing… well, really much of anything.
I did that for about three weeks while I was staying with my friends in West Virginia. One I have known for many years and was actually, in part, the beginning of the healing journey I started going deeper into, in my late 30’s.
He and his partner allowed me to stay in their home for that amount of time and made it into a sort of retreat for me. And I am grateful for them for everything they provided.
The work, itself, that I did with my friend was very profound. He walked me through the deepest of what is called Personal Narrative or Beliefs. These deep held stories we tell ourselves that hold us back in life because our bodies and minds follow the guidance of them. They are stored in our sub-conscious, nervous system and physiology, where we really don’t have control over them until we choose to change things in life.
I chose that change many years ago. In fact, it’s over 30 years at this point. The different paths I have gone down outside of me, led me into the inside myself; where the truth is. Where the stories and lies are that are covering those truths. The truths of everything I have always wanted: peace, love, joy… all the things life is made of that once they are found, never go away because that is the answer to our questions of the meaning of life.
Sure, the external stuff makes things enjoyable sometimes, but I have noticed that many times, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. This feeling I am beginning to see now is enough and it feels good. I don’t think I have ever said anything like that before.
Ok, so I gave a description of the healing work I did on the last blog entry. This last one was huge and there was a combination of things.
The first thing was a session on the narrative I held, the deepest of all lies I have told myself: I have to suffer to get my needs met. This stemming from the “suffering” that happened in what was left of my memories as a child (a lot were not there) and the things that occurred that I could remember as I saw them, as a little girl.
They stuck in me, even the ones I couldn’t remember, that made me feel that what I went through was the only way I could be nurtured, cared for and have my needs met.
It gets all mixed up. The anger, the sadness, the forgiveness, etc. it was all in there.
The Session
The session I had was simple enough and I have explained the process as using kinesiology and bilateral stimulation while repeating the phrase, “I have to suffer to get my needs met.” I lived that out in every aspect of my life.
It’s been a long journey to this point, and it opened the way for more healing within five days of that moment.
Fast forward to Monday.
So, I was “pushed” out of the nest (my safety nest in West Virginia) on to the next thing. I was getting quite comfortable and warm and knew that it was time to happen, though it was trying for me. Once I left, I took the journey back to West Palm Beach to re-organize and regroup.
The next part of this journey was huge for me during my travels.
Closure and The Accident
I left on Monday, the 7th and headed to Pittsburgh. The origination point of where my life began to fall apart around me. Many years ago, my ex and I purchased a house in Bethel Park, PA. That was my first stop. Had some closure and clearing to do there and took the time to do it. That house was fixed up and it looked beautiful. Looking at that helped me to discover who I am. I felt better and more relaxed about the trip.
The next stop was the second marriage and divorce and the house we lived in in Rices Landing, PA. This one helped me to discover who I am not.
That house looked awful. It was so sad and… it was a beautiful lesson for me. Although I really loved the family I had married into at the time, I was definitely not meant to be there in that environment. And that’s ok. There is no judgement, just understanding and closure.
It turned out to be beautiful in its own right.
The next big thing was the literal healing journey into my past to the motorcycle accident I was involved in with my second husband. I didn’t realize until I did, that I was taking the same path (highway) down to where it happened.
As I got closer to where we had stopped just prior to the accident, I began to cry. Tears were coming up for the lost woman back then and from the fear of the accident. Back then, we were riding down to North Carolina to go camping.
We never made it.
As we were driving down South 19, we passed through Summerville, WV. I remembered that. I don’t remember much else, like whether we stopped for lunch or gas or what, but I remembered.
As I drove through the present and past at the same time, it was feeling surreal, like I was flashing in and out of consciousness. I really can’t explain it any better than that.
Next we were/I was headed toward Interstate 77.
We stopped at New River Gorge to take a break. We made the decision to take our leather jackets off and grabbed a snack. We went over and down to the bridge and gorge and took pictures. Then we headed back to the motorcycle. When we got ready to leave, we put our helmets back on and started to drive towards North Carolina.
We never made it.
At that point in the juncture before the accident, we were heading towards the toll road which in that area was the Interstate. There was construction and apparently the back tire picked up a small piece of the metal grid that punctured it.
I remember him saying, “Something is squirrely.” I remembered looking down at the lines in the road and I zoned out and heard, “Everything will be fine. You will be fine.”
I remember turning around and seeing the van behind us and that it had started to rain. I turned around and faced forward.
They call it “high siding” on a motorcycle; I learned a lot. We had been going 65 mph and he managed to slow down to 25 when the “high side” happened.
I remember waking up and seeing a woman holding an umbrella over me and next thing I knew we were headed by ambulance to Beckley Hospital. The woman was the same woman I saw in the van before we crashed.
I had road rash on my left shoulder and hand. I wasn’t really crying, I was numb and couldn’t show my fear. My anger, pain, sadness and fear all got stuck inside to I wouldn’t look bad to anyone. These are tough people around me and I couldn’t bear to look like a “weakling” or I would never live it down.
That’s what I remember.
I saw all of that in my mind’s eye, in my memory. On the road again, this time in my car, headed to North Carolina.
Here was where the healing really happened for me. From the turn off point away from where the accident actually occurred, I was taken on a different route and passed by the hospital we were taken to in Beckley.
From the point closest to where the accident occurred until I passed the hospital, I finally let it out. I needed to. The anger at the fact that I have had a pain on the left side of my back over the ribs for the past 15 years, the anger that I couldn’t allow myself to feel, the fear, pain and sadness about the whole thing… all held inside for all of this time.
It finally came out. I yelled, I screamed, I cried, I grieved, I released until I had no more left. It was all out of me, and I felt so much lighter. I feel there is still some work left to do with this, but this was the first time I had actually felt a major relief in my system and in my mind.
And finally…
There was one more thing that I went through with passing where I went to Basic Training in Ft Jackson/Columbia, SC. It seemed I had a bit more to let go of and did.
Finally, the big moment for me was sleeping on my nice, comfortable “bed” in my car in SC on Monday night. I got to face that one too. I was prepared and did well. Feeling quite empowered from that.
It was so releasing that a lot of my stress response that kept me in hypervigilance was released too.
Feeling calmer; my mind and nervous system doesn’t feel like it’s on hyperdrive anymore. Such a different feeling that what I’ve been dealing with throughout my life.
There is hope, there is renewal, there is resurrection.
I have discovered and realized on this part of my journey that there are things inside of me that are begging to be released. Let go of.
I feel like the Phoenix, emerging from the ashes with Hope for my present and future. And… feeling more present in the moment than I have ever felt in my life.
The Ride Inside continues on The Ride of My Life.
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