There’s something deeply destabilizing in burnout. It’s like you’ve hollowed out, and your memory of you feels faded. You go through your days feeling like a witness to your own life, instead of the body living it. You aren’t you, or at least you don’t feel like you, what even is “You?” The word “me” feels like a whisper from someone far away, and you just can’t seem to find your way back. I call this your cry for help. It’s so faint, at first you can’t even hear it.
My clearest memory of this feeling was when I visited my family in Jamaica. I stood on the verandah with my grandmother, standing, looking at the passing clouds as she sat and spoke to me. I was to leave in a few days, and I wanted to treasure every moment, but my spirit felt gone from my body, as if I were an outsider looking at myself from afar. I couldn’t stop thinking of my grandparents, who seemed much older; I wanted to be little again and for time to slow down. I realized I was worn down and too depleted to feel the present passing of time; I felt stuck in my own mind.
I’ve come to realize that exhaustion is a deeply spiritual experience that follows a physically worn body, or comes before it. The two often collide at some point, as if teaming up to make you listen. Our body is deeply intelligent, deeply spiritual, and it tells us more than we think. I often brace when I find myself at this point again because I fear that if I sink into it, I’ll never get out, or it’ll cost me too much. I’m starting to realize that my best way out isn’t sinking, nor is it throwing myself into the deep end. Instead, it is when I try my best to float. It feels almost like surrender, while holding unto the pieces of control that I can. The equivalent of keeping my nose above water, my back arched, my feet wide and light, my arms open. I let the lapping water on my face be a reminder that I’m not sinking.. that I can still feel cool air against my skin. For just a minute more I’ll trust the water to carry me.
So I’ve been learning to listen.. this is what she tells me :
1. You miss your younger you for a reason.
Be a child again. Children are to be admired, and respected. They are most purely themselves, they listen to who they are and they embrace it. As an adult you drift further and further from you and closer to what the world tells you.
“Listen to me for a minute” , she says. So I write down the things I loved as a child, the things that brought me the greatest joy and that I did without the push back of a noisy mind. This is what she said:
Read - Find worlds to travel and continue to learn and meet new people. Explore many lives. Engage your imagination. This place that is far away has always been your getaway. Go make a visit.
Write - Words are your language of love, they are your redemption.They are your release.
Embrace your quirky.
Sing.
Perform.
Create.
2. Return to the Sun
Naturally, when I retreat inwards I find that I spend more time indoors. It’s hard to go outside, but once I do, there is something refreshing and comforting about the gentle wind, and the warmth of the sun. One of my favourite things to do in nature is to take my socks off and feel the earth beneath my feet, the grass between my toes. The sun on my forehead, chin titled towards the sky. When I do these things, even just one, I can feel my spirit recharging. Especially the sun.
3. I play dress up
I wear clothes that makes me feel inspired. A flowy dress because I am embracing my romantic. Overalls or headwrap because today I am an artist who works at home. Lots of jewellery and my hair out in an afro ; I am a fairy. Feeling like I look good in my outfits brings a little more magic to my day and it inspires me to step into whatever that mood is. Really I am playing dress up, like I once did when I was young. Except now I can do it all the time and make it even more real with adult tools. In dressing up, I tell myself that I am worth the effort, I am worth the care.
4. I think about my dreams
I’ve noticed that alot of the times when I’m anxious it’s because I have dreams that I am ignoring because I do not believe I can ever reach them. My soul feels unfulfilled because it can sense I am not working towards any thing I truly dream about. I want to be a writer and a poet… I reach for my paper and I start writing again, little by little. I day dream about having a bakery someday so I start baking again and I give it away to friends and family because that’s when it tastes the best. I’ve noticed that there is always push back before I do things aligned with my dreams, but once I do them, I start to believe more, I start to feel more like a spirit in a body, instead of an empty shell.
5. I change my definition of success
Success doesn’t have to be lots of money, a steady career, many trophies on a shelf. Success can be whatever you decide it to be. When I started to think like that, I realized I am not failing. What even is failing, except fear and shame built into an idea that’s meant to control? Success can be living minimally, in a peaceful place. It can be a kind heart that doesn’t harden in a cruel world. You are successful. And you can decide what that means for you.. today.
6. I slow down
As someone who was raised in a slower paced country, I could feel the jarring difference of the fast paced life of the bustling city, of a place that revolves around schedules and the clock. I am not living in the country side like I wish to be, but I can replicate it as best as I can. Slower mornings. Less time on the phone, more time wholeheartedly engaging in whatever I’m doing.
7. I let myself stop performing
For many, we smile more, laugh harder, and are extra bubbly when we’re going through it. Partly because we want to force ourselves into being okay, staying above water, and reassure others that everything is fine. But often we’re simply hiding from ourselves. I realized one day that it felt tiring, that I was using more energy to cover up my exhaustion. I decided to let myself breathe without a performance. This was the decision that pulled me closer to floating.
It felt like a self-confrontation, followed by an embrace. That’s when I could slowly start to pull myself up again. I realized I wanted to be heard, much more than I knew. I started with myself.
Author’s Note
Now, this list is, of course, not a prescription that promises to bring you back to yourself. Let me remind you that I’ve been in this space countless times, and I always drift back. So this is not a cure; instead, it is a declaration that you matter. Sometimes the smallest steps make the biggest difference because we’ve stored a lifetime of data in our bodies, and it already knows it. I hope this letter permits you to embrace you, wholeheartedly.
With all my love,
Aliyah
As always, your support means the world to me. I hope to see you again, next time.
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