Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 28, “Stowing Pains.” Guess it wouldn’t be a show about a ship without a stowaway plot point/episode!
We start the episode at night with Nigel holding a flashlight and a teddy bear. He finds a trail of food, leading to his unlocked kitchen! The next morning, he is standing next to Captain Ballard as the captain speaks to the students, sharing, “For the third time since departing from Norway, someone has stolen food from the kitchen.” They’re pretty convinced it’s Jimmy, but obviously can’t make any accusations without undeniable proof. Nigel threatens that until someone confesses, he will only serve beets - and they have a whole week until they dock in Russia, so it’s not like there are many other food choices. Better hope the culprit ‘fesses up!
Ashley has been very depressed since breaking up with Alex, so the other girls decide it’s time for an intervention. Ashley actually agrees pretty easily to start seeing other guys and having fun - in her words, “I am far too beautiful to stay cooped up in this room and deprive the world of seeing me.” Cassidy offers to set her up, but Ashley is confident in her abilities to “attract an appropriate suitor” on her own. She might have spoken too soon: One of the two boys who speaks to her in the coffeehouse is very overweight, and the other is an X-Files nerd (yup, we’re in full ‘90s stereotypes mode).
On Day 4 of the “Beets Standoff,” Max asks Alex if he’s excited for his date with Daphne - what happened to Caitlin? Apparently what happened to several other girls Alex has dated since the breakup - he’s found something “wrong” with each of them, and he’s convinced he will with Daphne too. Max suggests Alex may be a little bit picky, and finally says what we’re all thinking: They’re just not Ashley.
Ashley is in the coffeehouse with a clipboard, clearly checking off a list as a guy says, “It’s never too early in a relationship to give jewelry,” and she’s definitely satisfied with his answer, saying, “Parker, this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”
After Alex’s date with Daphne to the movies, we hear his internal monologue, and she actually doesn’t have any flaws he can see. She asks if he’s thinking about his old girlfriend, but follows up with “I can make you forget you ever knew Ashley” - confident! And Alex likes it.
Jimmy is mobbed by students with signs yelling at him to confess that he stole the food. As he escapes into his cabin, he begs Sean to help him catch the food bandit and clear his name. Sean is unsure - when the school year started, Sean’s mom had sent him a care package full of beef jerky that disappeared, and Sean confesses he’s always thought it was Jimmy who took it, so he makes Jimmy swear that wasn’t true before agreeing to help him.
Parker leans in to kiss Ashley at the end of a date, but before their lips meet Ashley’s vision blurs and she sees an overlay of Alex on Parker’s body. She might not quite be ready for this, and she recognizes it. Parker thinks it’s because he used to be a male cheerleader and goes off about that, so much so that he doesn’t even notice her saying “Actually, I was thinking about my ex,” and leaving.
On deck, Alex is telling Daphne a story about Ashley, and she’s visibly impatient. She tells Alex, “Do you realize that for the last hour you’ve talked about nothing but Ashley? If you’re so hung up on her, shouldn’t you be on a date with her instead of me?” and walks away. We don’t usually see more on non-main-group students past their highlight episode, but I wish we would of Daphne; I like her!
Sean and Jimmy try to do a nighttime stakeout to catch the bandit, but wind up falling asleep on deck. Alarms go off as a masked female figure dressed all in black comes into the frame, which wakes them, and they pull her mask off to find it’s no one they’ve ever seen before. When they escape with the stowaway before Captain Ballard and Nigel can make it to the kitchen, the captain determines that the beets stand-off isn’t working and it’s time for a cabin-wide investigation.
Turns out the stowaway is a woman from Norway named Lina who’s trying to get to America to be the next Vanna White, and apparently hiding on a ship that’s going to take a very long time to get back to the U.S. is the best way to do that. The boys are just thrilled that they have an attractive woman staying in their cabin seemingly indefinitely. When she says she’s hungry, Jimmy pulls out a stash of beef jerky - did he steal it from Sean after all?! Oh dang.
The next morning, Max shares with Cassidy that Alex is driving him nuts as he does everything he can to stop thinking about Ashley, and Cassidy says Ashley’s just as bad. Cassidy thinks maybe they should try and get them back together, but Max thinks interfering in their lives is a bad idea. He doesn’t have a better one, but does have a kiss for Cassidy and a walk as a distraction.
Jimmy’s getting food thrown at him in the cafeteria, but doesn’t care because he’s loving the beet stroganoff and is convinced Lina loves him. Sean, however, also thinks he and Lina are meant to be, so they start getting territorial about a woman who let’s be real probably doesn’t want either of them. They pretend to swear off her because their friendship is more important than a woman, but we can see on their faces that they’re both lying.
Ashley and Alex run into each other in the hallway and start ribbing each other about their dates, and it doesn’t take long for it to get personal. Later in her cabin, Ashley admits to Denise and Tamira that she’s so desperate to forget him that she finally let Cassidy set her up.
A dressed-up Jimmy comes back to his cabin to find Sean has set up a candlelit meal, and they both realize their deal never existed. While Lina watches them argue, they determine that the only way to decide who gets her is a duel, so they start swordfighting with tennis rackets. Captain Ballard knocks on the door, and they open the closet for Lina to hide in, only for lots of food to come spilling out. As Lina hides behind a Wheel of Fortune board that somehow appeared, Sean and Jimmy accuse the other of being the bandit to the captain.
The ship has arrived in St. Petersburg, and Max and Cassidy are going out to dinner. Max notices the table is set for four, and lo and behold, Alex and Ashley show up - guess it’s not such a blind date after all. Alex says he’s only sticking around so he can have a meal without beets, but of course the night’s special is borscht. Ashley pretends to be polite by pouring Alex some water, but ends up pouring some on him as well. Max may be within his rights to say, “I told you so,” Cassidy.
Sean and Jimmy are helping prep beets and decide they need to go ask Lina once and for all who she wants to be with. When they arrive back at their cabin, she’s gone - probably for the best.
Alex and Ashley somehow get in the same cab on the way back to the ship. Both are too stubborn to leave, so they start insulting each other…until it turns into a heated kiss, and after that Alex decides he should find another cab.
Don’t change that channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.
