The question of how to stop the ego’s compulsive seeking of external power and reconnect with our own intrinsic, natural power requires us to turn inward and face our wounding. This is no easy task and requires a tremendous amount of compassion, steadfastness, and support. At first, this may seem like an impossible endeavor, for how do we stop something so automatic as the ego’s reactivity?
The answer, while simple, requires patience, compassion, vulnerability, and no small amount of courage. If we look at the component of the ego structure as layers to an onion, we can begin our task by becoming more fully aware of each layer until we reach the core of the ego deficiency, which in this case is the loss of contact with intrinsic power.
Ego Aggression’s Distinct Patterns
The first layer of the ego structure is what we have already examined i.e., the behaviors and reactions of the ego. In this case, we are examining ego aggression, which manifests in certain distinct patterns. Generally, ego aggression pushes its intensity into another person, either with the volume of the voice, being too physically close, or even energetically “big.”
If we pay attention to the actual felt experience of ego aggression, we might notice the compulsion to slam someone energetically, to put someone down, to seize power by forcing others to do what we want. We might notice the compulsion to expand some kind of sphere of influence, to grab power, to acquire more money or influence in order to exercise more control. We may also notice when we become more aware of ego aggression the lack of sensitivity toward others and tendency to dismiss how others might feel.
Ego Aggression and Inner Critic: “Don’t Be Vulnerable”
By first recognizing and acknowledging these patterns, we start to open up the possibility of examining why we are reacting the way we are, or why we are behaving the way we are. If we become adept enough and recognizing our patterns, we can pause to question and understand more of how we are feeling in these moments. And the first barrier that will likely come up at this point is the Inner Critic, which as we have discussed already is the mechanism in our psyche that is tasked with maintaining our ego’s self-image.
If we remember that ego aggression constellates around the feeling of powerlessness, it’s easier to see why the Inner Critic judges vulnerability so harshly. We mistakenly equate powerlessness with vulnerability, because vulnerability from the ego’s perspective has to do with sensitivity, tenderness, and most of all, the ability to be hurt. So the Inner Critic’s messages will typically judge along these lines:
· Don’t show weakness or else someone will take advantage of you
· Don’t rely on others because it will make you weak
· You have to take control or else nothing will happen
· Don’t be vulnerable because someone will hurt you
If we can disengage from the Inner Critic enough to question it, we may begin to see that not every situation requires a heightened need for control, that not every relationship is one that will hurt you, that showing vulnerability may not actually be a show of weakness. This is actually a courageous act, this attempt to become aware of the Inner Critic and to stop believing its program, because the programming itself was developed to keep you safe and has up until now done a fairly good job at it. The issue with Inner Critic programming, however, is that it is old and outdated. It doesn’t have new code that is updated for your life today.
Ego Aggression and Sense of Self
If we are able to create enough space from the Inner Critic, we will reach the next layer of the ego structure, which is the ego’s sense of self. In this particular ego dynamic, people who have this as the dominant ego dynamic generally view themselves as strong, assertive, a go-getter with lots of self-reliance, all of which is fine and good, except that more rigid egos will also have difficulty accessing their emotional life. As we’ve already seen, the barrier of invulnerability denies any show of emotion and cuts someone off from vital energy and emotional intelligence. And leaders who do not have access to their own emotional life certainly fail to acknowledge and consider the emotional life in others.
It's worth for a moment calling out that the attitude that the ego has of feelings and emotions is specific in that it doesn’t think they are important. In fact, as we’ve seen, the ego views them as dangerous and a sign of weakness, something to be avoided at all costs. And this orientation is ingrained in the ego’s sense of self, and the more we are identified with this hardness, this invulnerability, this intensity of aggression, the more we are stuck in believing the ego’s version of reality. In other words, the ego that is primarily imbued with ego aggression believes that the world is against them and is always a threat, so it must project strength and aggression in an unconscious and pre-emptive strike.
What is required to fully and clearly see the ego’s sense of self is the willingness to consider the possibility that being “strong” and “protected” does not necessarily mean we must invulnerable. The ego’s image of strength – what it thinks strength is – constitutes a seizing of power and using that power against another. This hidden sense that others are against them is ingrained with those who have this predominant ego dynamic, and are identified with being “the protector.” However, if we can acknowledge the possibility that there is something much larger, greater, bigger, and more unifying than us – that of the spiritual dimension and spiritual ground, which innately contains the power that we have lost contact with – we can open to the next layer of the ego structure.
Core Difficulty of Ego Aggression
When we unwind from the rigid identification with the ego as “strong” in the invulnerable and hard sense of the word, and when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to experience ourselves as we truly are, instead of as our ego image, we will come to at some point the experience of powerlessness again, which has been the core difficulty of this ego dynamic the entire time.
This is a terribly sensitive, and sometimes excruciating experience, since it is what has been in some way torn from us and made us believe that it is a hard and unjust world that we must fight and use aggression against. The ego’s tendency will always be to avoid this experience, so it takes a great deal of support, compassion, capacity, and mindfulness to stay with this sense of powerlessness and the pain that comes with it. This very experience is what the ego was developed to avoid – and it can be experienced as excruciating powerlessness.
If we are able to stay with this experience, stay with the vulnerability, stay with the compassion, we may start to experience in the vulnerability a reconnecting to our true and essential nature – an experience of ourselves that is not our ego’s self-image, not the ego’s hardness, not the ego’s aggression, not the ego’s intensity. Instead, we can experience in the vulnerability a profound and natural sense of power, which in it has also an innate sense of connection, not to just oneself but to the rest of the world and the reality of a unifying and connected spiritual ground. In this experience, there may be some recognition of the core belief that the ego had taken on – that someone or something will take advantage of you and hurt you.
The more we allow the vulnerability to be present, the more connected we become to the truth that there is both a spiritual and a physical reality and they are one in the same, unified and connected. The ego’s core belief can then be seen as false, something that we bought into, and something that took us away from our authentic beingness, which innately has profound power, although nothing like the aggressive power that the ego contrived.
