I loved Arthur C. Brooks’ article in The Atlantic so much I was inspired to write about it, both to see what my own “reverse bucket list” would be but also to see where the intersections with Egoless Leadership Training are, because “How to Want Less” describes the insatiable appetite of the ego without specifically naming it.
If you haven’t read the article, it’s a poignant and succinct illustration of how humanity as a whole suffers by seeking to be satisfied with external “things.” Brooks ultimately makes the point that to find true satisfaction, we need to shift from looking outside of ourselves – wanting less – and turning inward and being present.
This isn’t really a new concept, but as a whole, our society and particularly our work culture is still entrenched in the thinking that we need to acquire accolades, titles, and external validation to be satisfied or feel complete somehow.
In this Substack, I think it’s most appropriate to respond to key points that Brooks makes and examine them from the standpoint of the ego.
Who Is Seeking Satisfaction?
Satisfaction, I told my daughter, is the greatest paradox of human life. We crave it, we believe we can get it, we glimpse it and maybe even experience it for a brief moment, and then it vanishes. But we never give up on our quest to get and hold on to it.
Satisfaction is the greatest paradox of human life, and the question that immediately jumps out for me is who is the “We” here? This is taken for granted most of the time, but until we discern that there is in fact an ego identity and a truer, more authentic and natural self through which life is experienced, there’s a tendency to fall into the incessant cycle of suffering that is built into the ego. In other words, “we” or “I” can mean different things. From the standpoint of the ego, it believes that we can get satisfaction. From the standpoint of our true nature, we already have deep satisfaction in simply being.
The ego is inherently built on a sense of deficiency, and in ancient wisdom and spiritual teachings, the ego forms as a result of separation from our true nature. It is, in other words, the result of the fall from Eden, where everything was provided and inherent “satisfaction” was humanity’s birthright.
So, the ego, instead of intrinsically knowing its nature, seeks to fill the gap on the outside. And our material world is full of things to do that, which keeps the ego’s attention continually on external things because focusing on the internal would bring about the original experience of separation from our true nature.
What Are We Seeking?
If you base your sense of self-worth on success—money, power, prestige—you will run from victory to victory, initially to keep feeling good, and then to avoid feeling awful.
Satisfaction in itself is a pretty broad term, and Brooks writes comprehensively on the biochemistry of homeostasis and our neurobiology, which is the physical side of the satisfaction/dissatisfaction dynamic. From the ego’s perspective, satisfaction is a never-ending goal, and each ego personality has a different “thing” that it’s lost: a sense of worth, a sense of power, a sense of value, a sense of mattering, a sense of love, a sense of security, a sense of identity, a sense of intrinsic pleasure.
This last one is what it seems like Brooks is honing in on, because from the conventional point of view, being happy is about feeling good vs. feeling bad. Dopamine hits make us feel good, but temporarily, and what Brooks rightly points toward is getting off that cycle. The “hedonistic treadmill” is one of endless desires that are tied to the pleasure principle, rooted in our biological need for survival.
So clearly the endless hits of dopamine creating the cycle of feeling pretty good and then feeling bad and then needing more dopamine isn’t bringing anyone lasting happiness. But the real issue at hand is that nobody knows that most of us have simply over-identified with the ego, believing that there is nothing more to life and to ourselves than fulfilling our desires.
Ego Identification
The insatiable goals to acquire more, succeed conspicuously, and be as attractive as possible lead us to objectify one another, and even ourselves. When people see themselves as little more than their attractive bodies, jobs, or bank accounts, it brings great suffering.
This inability to experience or contact anything beyond our physical and emotional senses brings about great suffering. The quote above from Brooks’ article speaks directly to this – we become objectified, and we objectify others.
But why does this happen?
I’m sure there’s a host of science out there looking at the neurobiology of this all, but ancient wisdom teachings point to the ego becoming more and more structured and rigid the more we identify with it. Remember the ego is deficient in its nature – it has lost connection with true power, true pleasure, true meaning, true love, true connection – whereas our real, authentic nature free of the ego is complete and fully alive with all these essential aspects.
In other words, this ceaseless wheel of suffering is here and continues to be here because we have lost contact with our soul, and that is why Brooks’ solution is in the realm of Thomas Aquinas, Buddha, Tao Te Ching, Thich Nat Hanh, and the mystic Juliana of Norwich.
True satisfaction, true pleasure resides with the soul, because it is inherent to the soul’s nature and being.
Evolution of Humanity Requires Soul
“So what you’re saying is that the secret to satisfaction is simple,” she said. “I just have to go against several million years of evolutionary biology,” plus the entirety of modern culture, “and I’ll be all set.”
I really appreciate Brooks’ illustration of the shift from prince to sage, because it is the same shift that we make from identifying as ego and identifying as soul. This shift requires a turning inward instead of falling into the trap of continually seeking fulfillment on the outside. The inward turn is radical, but ultimately fulfilling, because it brings the soul online, and gives us access to the inherent happiness that is intimately a part of who we are.
And this is where my own reverse bucket list comes in, because at my old position in the agency world, I was attached to all the categories of unreachable fulfillment that Brooks outlines:
* Money: I was attached to my salary and the benefits.
* Power: I was attached to my seniority at the agency and the stature and reputation I had built there over ten years.
* Pleasure: Dinners, hotels, wine, vacations, club memberships, etc. Although it was less these actual things than the pleasure of not having to worry about affording them.
* Honor: I was attached to those around me seeing me as valuable, as well as that sense of “pride” to be able to adequately support my family, even though I was utterly miserable.
Of course, the reverse bucket list has to follow, and I’ll end with it, because surprisingly I’ve mostly ticked off the list. Since quitting my agency job, I’ve let go of most of the above categories and found a life that is much more satisfying, albeit less glamorous or “pleasure-filled” i.e., no more extravagant dinners:
* I have had the time and space to practice my spirituality more fully, and it has brought me closer and closer to a fuller sense of my own being and presence. In fact, I’ve committed to deeper work here and find my soul supported with contemplation and learning.
* I spend at least a half day per day with my kids, who are now four-and-a-half and two years old. And even in this, I get to practice my commitment to presence and mindfulness, through diaper changes, tantrums, fights, butt-wiping, constant messes. But if I had been working, I would have missed all of it, and I would have missed the fleeting two minutes the other day when they both sang “This little light of mine” with a little improv dance number.
* Most nights, I meditate with my wife for fifteen to twenty minutes, and we allow each person to have a dedicated ten minutes to talk without interruption. It’s a way for us to come back to ourselves and process the day, but also for us to explore more deeply our connection and relationship, and where we have misunderstandings with each other.
* I have more time for friends now and talk to them more regularly. And it’s not just the amount of time that I’m talking on the phone, it’s the quality of my own presence – not rushed and stressed, but calm and available.
* Of course, the work I am doing now is much more meaningful to me, and I cannot think of anything I’d rather be doing than to support others in making this shift from prince to sage, from ego to being, because I know the freedom and satisfaction of being in contact with the soul.
I have to admit, it wasn’t until writing this that I realize how deeply satisfying this life is. There are still familiar roots that pull on me, shaking up some anxiety about needing to make more money, or saving for retirement, or getting out of the corporate game for too long. But then when I come back to the present moment and recognize the moments that Brooks highlights in his article – watching a flower bloom, moments he gets to see when his daughter sends him pictures – my life now is filled with them, and I couldn’t have said that before.
I deeply believe that this satisfaction and contentment is something everyone can have and every corner of society can have it, including work. But it starts by turning inward, and at least considering the possibility that seeking satisfaction on the outside is a hopeless ego endeavor, and the truth is that by simply contacting ourselves in a real way, we realize that satisfaction has always been here.
