It feels like a slap in the face to all the amazing American actors out there who are struggling to find work.
I've got a bone to pick, and it's a biggun. You want to talk about the American obsession with anyone who isn't American? It's not a conspiracy theory; it's a fact. It's like casting agents have a secret bingo card, and the first square to fill is "Not a born and bred American."
My friend is an aspiring actress. She acted as the lead in an indie film we worked on a few years ago. Her performance gave me chills. She has done local theater performances and won several awards. She’s young but convincing, Methodic. Super talented. And definitely easy on the eyes.
Her parents hired her an agent out of Atlanta who has worked with some pretty heavy duty talent. Still, nothing. Understandably. she is incredibly frustrated. All she can find is local television commercial work. She’s about ready to hang up her heels.
I can’t count how many of our favorite "American" characters are played by people from somewhere else. Hugh Laurie as Dr. House. Christian Bale as Batman. And let's not forget Andrew Lincoln as Rick Grimes in The Walking Dead. What the fuck? He's a fucking Brit!
My buddy and I were watching this show on Netflix called Animal Kingdom. It’s kinda like a Breaking Bad meets the Sopranos meets 90210. A southern California family raised by a severely tweaked mom embarks on a series of twisted criminal escapades. I began to notice that two, then three, then four of their principal actors spoke a little strangely at times.
Bingo. Four of those SoCal peeps were from overseas. That’s literally half the cast of this supposedly American drama.
And don't even get me started on the Aussies. Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Margot Robbie, Chris Hemsworth... stealing roles that could have been amazingly performed by American talent. What the fuck? The list goes on.
These motherfuckers are everywhere. Foreigners playing AMERICAN characters. It feels like a slap in the face to all the amazing American actors out there. Many who are broke and working gig economy jobs to get by. Many who constantly struggle to find work. Some who are ready to completely give up. It's technically not a crime to impersonate an American, but it damn sure feels like it ought to be.
It's like we're saying American talent just isn't good enough, and we need to bring in someone from across the pond or down under to make a movie or show a success.
I get it; the actors chosen for these parts are truly talented. But come on, are we really saying there are no American actors who can do the job? Considering the U.S. population is five times bigger than the UK's, for crying out loud, statistically there should be a huge pool of talent to choose from. Are we really that short on good actors that we have to keep importing them?
And don't give me that bullshit about "rigorous training." We have Juilliard and Columbia and NYU and a zillion other amazing drama schools.
Look, casting fuckfaces, American actors can act, too. We need to fix this shit. Like, now.
Brits like Damian Lewis in "Homeland," Tom Hardy in "The Dark Knight Rises," Henry Cavill as Superman, Idris Elba in like, everything, Emily Blunt in "The Devil Wears Prada," and Kate Winslet in "Mare of Easttown."
Irish actors like Colin Farrell in "Minority Report" and Liam Neeson in "Taken."
Aussies like Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, and Margot Robbie—who, by the way, was in The Wolf of Wall Street and Suicide Squad playing what? Fuckin’ Americans.
And the biggest offender of all, that Nicole Kidman, who has played an American character in "Big Little Lies," and literally about 70 other goddamn roles where she plays American characters. Seventy fucking acting jobs that could have totally enriched multiple American actress’s careers.
Don’t forget the other foreign sons of bitches playing Americans: Christoph Waltz, who is Austrian, in "Inglourious Basterds." Or Mads Mikkelsen, he’s a fucking Dane, in "Hannibal," and Diane Kruger, a kraut, in "National Treasure."
So, why do they keep doing this shit?
Obviously, it's not because American actors can't do the job. My theory is that it's all about those EDM dance parties where casting idiots get a little crazy on ‘shrooms and decide to ignore all the American auditions and hire Brits and Aussies instead.
Or maybe it's just that non-Americans have a certain "X factor" that Americans apparently don't possess. That’s a kick in the ballsack. I guess we Muricans all just a bunch of low-talent dinguses.
And don't even get me started on the fake "American" accent they all do—it's like a ratchet parrot with a speech impediment.
This isn't just about accents and "rigorous training" anymore. This is a matter of national security... for our entertainment industry.
It's time to stop the madness. We have a perfectly good government agency for this: Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE for short. While they're securing our borders, maybe they could swing by a few Hollywood studio lots and check some goddamn paperwork.
I'm picturing it now: a team of ICE agents storming a set, politely asking for visas. "Oh, you're here on an O-1 visa for extraordinary ability? That's nice. But can you name five American actors who could've played that part just as well? No? Well, pack your bags, mate." Quick, cue the sound of gunfire!
Sounds like the next Netflix series. Sadly they’re probably cast all Australians to play the American roles.
It's not about being un-American; it's about being PRO-American. It's about giving our own people good ol’ AMERICAN people a shot for a change.
So, to all the casting agents out there, let's make a deal. Hire an American, or we'll send a very polite letter to ICE with your address on it.
This is a dramatization... for now.
