Much of this conversation was inspired by a podcast that was shared with us by our amazing and oh so talented friend Ashley O’Brion who designed our logos. The podcast is called The Way Out Is In and the episode that inspired this conversation was The Art of Transmission
Watch the Jim Carrey commencement address that Christina referenced here.
To learn more about the work of Christina and Becky, check out our websites:
https://www.christinawatka.com/
Episode Transcript
Christina: I’m driving right now and I’m listening to that podcast you sent and I love it and I love something he just said. He said, “whatever arises in the moment, I offer it.” And that is how he believes he is sharing transmission. Um, it’s really beautiful. This is really beautiful and really rich territory and I would actually
I genuinely love to discuss this with you because I think more and more, um, I am here. I am in this place as an artist, as a, as a creative person. I think you are too.
Becky: Welcome to the fourth episode of Noticing: A Podcast About Nothing & Everything At The Same Time. This week we talk about emptiness. What does it mean to be a transmitter of whatever wants to come through us? We talked about getting in the sauna or the sauna if you’re Finnish, and maybe most importantly normalizing miracles. I hope you enjoy.
Christina: Here we are.
Becky: Here we are. Mm-hmm. How are you? How are you arriving today?
Christina: I am arriving today fresh outta the ocean, so I’m very um, yeah, I went in actually kind of incredibly, I went in, now that everybody’s in school, I’m prioritizing that time.
So everybody gets on the bus. And I have about an hour more in the morning than I did before. And that hour I spend driving to the ocean, putting my body in it, . So that’s how I’m arriving today, uh, in a very, I’m full.
Becky: Hmm.
How are you?
Uh, I’m arriving a little tender. The word tender keeps coming up. I didn’t really sleep last night. Um, so yeah, just feeling a little tender. And you’re making, moving to Maine sound very appealing right now.
Christina: It’s a great way to start the day. It is. . I mean, yeah, it’s been a funny week where things have felt sort of off and like very, uh, frenetic, sort of, and it’s a really nice thing to be able to go plop yourself in the sea.
Becky: Yeah.
Yeah.
Christina: It does wonders for me. Yeah.
Becky: Yeah. It’s eclipse season, so I’m not gonna claim to know enough, or speak intelligently enough about eclipses, but it, it stirs up the pot a little bit. . So, yeah. Yeah, it just feels tender and you know, I’m coming off of launching my offering and, , there’s this high, and then it’s, I think I’m just experiencing a little bit of a low and a little bit of the reality of, um, you know, I just wanna do the thing, but now I have to like, talk about doing the thing and promote doing the thing.
Yeah. Yeah. Um, this podcast though has been a refuge for sure. It’s the thing that I, going in and doing the editing and, and everything is like, um, been a place where I can go and it feels pure. It feels really pure. Um, and I’m still trying to figure out what pure looks like in the social media space and in the, marketing space.
So it’s, I’ve been very grateful for the work on this podcast.
Christina: I mean, this is like the most authentic arrival of you sharing your wisdom, I think, right?
Christina: Um, because it doesn’t feel, I don’t know, the social media space is such a weird, um, it’s such a weird place to be and I have found it, I have found a home in it by training it very well to work for the things that feel true to me.
Christina: Um, and I think. I can just like weave it around the time I’m spending in the studio or installing stuff so it doesn’t feel too tricky. But I can understand if you’re trying to get out the gate and, and play the game, but, but like, do you really have to play the game? Is the question I keep thinking about for you?
Christina: Or, or how, and maybe this is what you’re figuring out, but how do you play the game in a way that works for Becky?
Becky: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, this is actually what’s really beautiful. A, a beautiful reflection of the work. You know, the tools that I, that I want to teach people is using them on myself and, and being able to just observe, like, okay, you know, I just did a big thing.
I just did a big scary thing. And, um. It’s natural for these feelings to arise. I’m not getting captured by the stories in a way that I would have a couple years ago or before I really started working with, the tools that I have. It’s validating in so many ways.
One, it just feels like I’m not getting captured, so I’m not going down these shame spirals of, of believing the stories of “I can never do this, or I have to play this to game.” Like, I’m not being captured by those stories. And it’s really validating to remind myself I’m just trying to teach something that , has, has changed my life, you know, and you always remind me, like, come back to the small things.
And the small thing is I just, if I can have a tiny impact on one person’s life, that’s, that’s enough, you know? Mm-hmm. So it’s good. It’s, it’s nice to just observe the feelings and not be taken down by them. And also recognize, you know, there’s my bodily hormones involved in how I’m feeling. There’s the eclipse season, there’s the dumpster fire that is our, our, country right now, you know?
So it’s like giving myself so much grace, so much grace, because the shame, I just saw this, this tick when I couldn’t sleep last night. So at 3:00 AM as I was looking through TikTok when I should have been trying to do something else, um, I saw this video about, um, the ways in which shame triggers our nervous system.
At least I was watching educational videos on TikTok, right? um, but the ways in which shame can get, uh, can lock our body into a pattern of survival. And so, because I’m not believing those stories and getting captured by those stories, I don’t have that same level. I don’t have that shame that I would’ve carried before I would’ve looked to all these other successful people and started believing that story of “they can do it,
why can’t I?” You know, and all these, untrue and unhelpful stories, those aren’t really there anymore. It’s just down to I’m feeling these feelings. Let’s feel these feelings.
Christina: Mm-hmm. Yeah. ‘cause as soon as you start feeling them, they move through you.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Which is really helpful. Um, yes.
Yeah. And there’s always, there’s always something that’s gonna tempt you to spiral.
. You know,
but it’s nice, I think that, that doing, doing this work of, of noticing things and being able to, to gain a new perspective on yourself is so helpful because sometimes I feel like I’m literally observing my feelings or frustrations or less desirable things in my day from a different point of view.
. And usually for me, it’s sort of like a higher point of view and I’m like floating above them, sort of watching them. And that’s on a good day. If I can do that. Sometimes I still spiral through things or, you know, for me it’s kids or like neighbor kids. That’s where I’m tossing around some things right now.
I literally yesterday, neighbor kids.
Yeah, I love ‘em though. But just like yesterday, I was actually recalibrating myself by doing one of your recorded meditations. And I sat down and I was like, oh, good for you Christina, your kids are gonna come home from the bus soon.
You’ve done some work today, give yourself this time, sink in. Just like run your energy. And, and then there was like knock, knock, knock, knock five minutes into it. But um, it’s okay. I finished it after I told the neighbor kid to go home Firmly.
Becky: Boundaries. Boundaries. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Have you been playing with energetic boundaries?
Christina: Not yet. That’s my next step.
Becky: Yeah. Yeah. Just put a big old stop sign on the outside of your studio. Yeah, I
Christina: should.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: I like that.
Becky: Play with it. It might actually make him come more at first, but. Give it time. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It’s interesting how you speak about, you know, how like feeling like you’re above, I’ve been experiencing that a lot lately too.
It’s that mine’s kind of on the side. Mm.
But it,
it is like this, um, real feeling of separation of like the distance between, um, myself, which I call higher self observer, self, whatever, and like what I’m, what I am experiencing. Um, it’s really interesting when you can start to perceive that distance.
Christina: Yeah. It’s just like, where are you observing yourself from.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: I’ve noticed in my, um, like in meditations and, and different things, I do go up, up is where my body goes. Mm-hmm. Side is where your body goes. Isn’t that nice? Mm-hmm. There’s no right or wrong. Nope. No.
Becky: And sometimes I go up, sometimes I go back, but I’ve noticed with the emotions, they’re kind of hanging out here.
Becky: Yeah. But yeah, it’s, it’s noticing, just noticing what’s happening without that judgment. Um, it’s really nice. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Christina: It’s not like up as good or side is good. Nope. All of it just is.
Becky: It just is. . It’s been interesting though to reflect on, ‘cause you know, you and I talked about, we were both really struck by that podcast episode on the Art of Transmission.
So I’ve really been reflecting on what does it mean to, to transmit. What does it mean to be a transmitter in this day and age, in this body at this time? And I don’t have an answer, but that’s been the reflection that, that I’ve been, uh, sitting with, especially this last week, um,
Christina: especially this last week as you are in week one of offering your offerings.
Mm-hmm. Or especially as it, okay, okay.
Becky: Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it could, it, it also kind of ties into what’s happening. I don’t, I don’t wanna go down this, this path, but just lightly acknowledging, what’s happening right now uh, in the media. Like what does it mean to be a transmitter of truth and information?
Yeah. Um, yeah, it’s just been kind of, that’s what I’ve been sitting with really this last week.
Christina: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we, this podcast that you’re referencing was sent to us from a friend by a friend, and it’s, it’s a Buddhist . Uh, podcast. And, and what they talked about was the art of transmission and what that means.
And so the, the thing that really struck me was that in order to be a transmitter, um, meaning you’re filtering consciousness through you into the world as like a quick cliff notes. Would you agree? Does that feel,
Becky: uh, yeah. Sorry, I got distracted. There was a hawk. That’s okay. Outside my window. Yes. It’s so, um.
In this context, it was specific to Buddhism. Mm-hmm. So it’s like you are transmitting the wisdom and the teachings from your teachers, from the ancestors, from the Buddha, um, and it’s flowing through you. Mm-hmm. So it’s like mm-hmm. Through you, as you,
Christina: through you as you was a huge takeaway that we both talked about, but also the fact that in order to be, um, to allow something to flow through you, you need to empty yourself first.
Which to me felt so true. Mm-hmm. Um, I’ve heard you, there was one time this year when you were thinking about how you were gonna offer your wisdom in your classes and things, and you came out of. What do, what do they call it a big, black, sweaty box? Or what’s your hot, it’s like a hot tank that you put, it’s like a sauna, but in your house.
Becky: Oh, my sa yeah. It’s like a personal sauna. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It’s like a one person, uh, popup sauna. Okay. A big black sweaty box.
Christina: Good thing. They didn’t get me to brand that.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Um, that’s what it looks like to me. But you, it does look
Becky: like a big, black, sweaty box. I’m looking at it right now. Like
Christina: flexible?
Yeah. Mm-hmm. So you came out of that and for the first time you said there was something that felt like it wanted to come through you. Mm-hmm. And it came very slowly. Mm-hmm. And you, I think you, you voice memoed it to yourself or something, right?
Becky: Yeah. I captured the voice memo and I was like, I can’t send this to Christina.
‘cause it’s like a half an hour long with like these long pauses in between.
Christina: Yeah. And it would make sense that something that wants to come through, you come slowly. Mm-hmm. Because that is who you are mm-hmm. And how you operate with a slow rhythm. Um, so to put your ego aside, those were the two, two things that I thought.
It’s, it’s an egoless experience and you must empty yourself, which may be in Buddhist teachings, those two things are the same. I’m not sure. Um, but it. Going into a sauna. And I call it a sauna because my family’s from Finland and that’s what they call it so I always stick with it. For those of you who think, what is she saying?
Becky: Stick with it. Go
Christina: to Finland. They’ll call it a sauna. So, so you came out of that experience and that could arguably be an emptying experience, right? Mm-hmm. You’ve sort of purged your body of sweat and other things, and you are empty. It’s the same way I feel after I get out of a cold ocean. Um, yeah. Do you wanna speak to that or like, like how did that feel?
Becky: Yeah, that was a big one that, that message that wanted to come through.
Christina: Yeah. That was the one where you talked about living as mystery.
Becky: Yeah. Um, and it was around the question of, why do we ask why we’re here?
You know, what is that impulse to ask? Why are we here? And, um, the message in general was that we’re curious and it’s natural.
We wanna understand, but that if we stay in that question, we stay in the mind because then we’re looking for answers. And there is no answer to the question, why are we here? That is, and that’s one of the deepest discomforts of being human, is that we will never know. We’ll never truly know. Why are we here?
What happens when we’re gone? You know, we can guess. We can, I think belief and faith is really important ‘cause it gives you an anchor for your life, but there is no knowing, there is no certainty and that’s really uncomfortable. So I think, you know, the, the search for why are we here is helpful to a point.
And then you must empty, you must empty yourself of all the thoughts and all the teachings and all the knowledge of why are we here? And you need to just experience being here and live, live in the mystery and live as mystery. So yeah, it is around emptiness. It does connect back because it
in order to live as mystery, you need to empty yourself of all the answers that you think you have to the mystery. ‘cause they get in the way. Mm-hmm.
Christina: They do get in the way. Yeah. And I think, um, I think when you can make yourself empty, when you can empty yourself as often as possible, you can have a more direct experience with being here.
Becky: Yes.
Christina: Um, that’s what I’ve been experiencing because I can, um, thinking about what it, what it means to be a transmitter.
I feel as though I am in more direct communication to, um. The universe, whatever you wanna call it, source. Mm-hmm. Um, than I ever have been. And I have only reached this point by emptying my self regularly and also my, um, to, to-do list in a way, being in the studio that’s here and prioritizing, um, simplifying my life so that I could be home here.
Working and living and folding everything into one beautiful experience, um, has helped me realize that it’s essential for me as a creative person, um, to leave a lot of openness. And leave a lot of spaciousness because then I can have those really direct experiences with my own life and respond to them and allow things to flow through me in a way that I never was able to before because I was prioritizing different things.
Right? Like there was one year where I was able to get, um, I had commissions lined up for an entire year ahead of time, which was incredible as an artist to be able to say, I have paid work that can fund my existence for a year.
Is not normal. Not common. So that felt pretty incredible. And then I got.
As I got deeper into that year of paid work, I was like, well, shoot, I actually have no time to just receive my own life. . I am here keeping busy, making more money than I’ve ever made before, but that’s actually not, um, what I want to be doing. Turns out. Turns out it would be really lovely to have more direct experiences.
And so now, um, just as an example, this morning I used to be with my children until around the nine o’clock hour, dropping them off to like a preschool situation, and then I would come home and get ready and I wouldn’t really be able to start my day until nine 30 and now they’re gone at eight 15. But that first hour of every day, I actually don’t do anything other than be in the world or be in the ocean or walk my dog or, you know.
Um. It feels pretty radical to consciously choose that. Yeah.
Becky: Yeah. Because the, the current of the culture would push you towards, you have success, keep going. You need more success. Keep this up, keep this pace. So you’re going against the current of all the messages around.
Christina: Oh, yeah. And it takes really knowing that and staying grounded to it and realizing that that’s what’s important.
Because for example, my accountant, after I did my taxes last year, said, okay, so we’re just gonna, I’ll map it out for next year and I’m just gonna do a 20% increase so that then you’ll, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, sir. Clearly you don’t know me. You don’t know me. I’m not gonna do that. This shows me that I actually have to do, I can do less work and still be just fine.
Mm-hmm. Um. So that’s the plan. And he was like, I shocked him.
Becky: You shocked him? I did. We’re chuckling because, uh, Christina’s human design is her, her incarnation cross is um, or it’s one of your gates, I forget which one it was, but is to basically her mission in this life is to shock, shock people, which, uh, not
Christina: a word I would ever have picked out of a list to think of myself as someone who would do that.
But now that I have heard that from you, I see examples all the time.
Becky: Mm-hmm. Yeah. You shocked me in when I first met you. ‘cause I was like, I did. It’s shocking to, because you are going against the current in so many aspects of your life and that is shocking. It shocks people into, there’s another way to live.
Yeah. Shocks people out of trance maybe.
Christina: Yeah. That’s a nice offering. I could do that. I could be someone who did that. That feels like a nice home.
Becky: Yeah. Yeah.
Christina: I guess shock felt like it had like a negative connotation, but I, I don’t think it does. If it was like, um, awaken, I would probably be like, yeah, that, that, yeah.
Yeah. I’ll do that. But I can shock too. You can
Becky: shock.
Christina: Yeah. But the transmission thing, I, um, I think I, when I was listening to it, I could think of all of these specific times where I. And in the, in the podcast, he used the language of having direct experiences with your life, which is something that I will now use more because I know what he means.
What, this young, he was 26, I think this young monk
that was being interviewed. Um, he, um, he was talking about having these direct experiences with your life. Um, I can think of many times when I was listening to him, and I can think of many times when I, um, had a direct experience with my life, one of which was when I was in the studio this summer, I had just listened to a speech by Jim Carey at the Maharishi Maharishi Institute, I think is what it is.
He’s a big transcendental meditation guy. Mm-hmm. And he did this really, really beautiful speech for the graduating class of, uh, some year. And in it, he talked about what seed. One of the things he wanted to talk about was, what seed are you gonna plant today?
And it was a beautiful speech. I recommend it to everybody.
We can probably put it in the show notes. We should. And, and I just loved it. And I spent like 45 minutes listening to it. And I had this seed, I have this big seed that I’m growing right now, and I, it was the initial stages of this seed, and I was writing a really big grant proposal for it. And I held that question.
I held this project in my mind, and I opened the door to take a breath of fresh air just after turning off his speech. And a seed, a literal seed flew through the air and landed in my hand. And this is the type of synchronicity and magic and constant flow of direct experiences with your life that can happen if you offer yourself time to follow whatever wants to be followed.
Do you know what I mean? I, I just like looked at that seat of my hand. I couldn’t believe it, but I could believe it. You know?
Becky: Mm-hmm. Normalizing miracles.
Christina: Normalizing miracles. Mm-hmm. That’s like, that’s really, um, yeah. That’s a big, that’s a big thing this year for me. We talk about it all the
Becky: time.
Yeah. To find that place of, um, where you’re grateful for the miracles, but you’re not surprised. So you’re not taking away from the reverence you feel that they’re here in your life, but also stepping into that vibration of, this is actually more real than thinking miracles are rare. Yeah.
Miracles happen. It’s a miracle we are here, that we exist. It’s, we just don’t offer our attention to the miracles that surround us every day.
Christina: Or we try to UNM miracle. Miracle lies them. Mm-hmm. By logically trying to make them make sense, you know? Which I don’t like that I don’t do it and I don’t like it when I try to share a miracle and someone is like, oh, but that probably happened just because of the moisture in the air or the, you know, takes the magic out of it.
Becky: I think they can both exist. Like I, I, there is this, and I’m not saying you’re pointing to this, this, um, this binary, but like the idea that science is not a miracle and like an explanation through science somehow takes away from the miracle. Like, I think that is a huge false binary just because you can explain, okay, so there was moisture in the air and whatever.
Do you know what a miracle it is that we know that? do you know how much went into us even understanding that and yeah, you can have both, you know, that’s, but I think that’s true. People get lost in, um. I mean, it’s, people don’t get lost. It is the air we breathe, the materialist worldview is the air we breathe.
So people aren’t getting lost. People are just, just trying to live, and this is the worldview that they’ve been force fed they’re entire life. Um mm-hmm. So, of course it feels natural and it’s, it’s destabilizing to have someone, it’s shocking to have an alternative presented . Right. Um, it’s so interesting.
I’m thinking now of, uh, my mom. Mm-hmm. And I’m feeling tender, so I hope I don’t cry. Oh, you should or I will. One of us will. Yeah. But. You know, I grew up very much in the materialist worldview. We’ve talked about this many times that it’s not that I had, um, miracles pointed out to me.
But my mom is taking, uh, she took my, my intro class, um, , the intro class is really about mindfulness and nervous system regulation. And then the second course is all about energy tools, as you know. ‘cause you were my first student.
Christina: I was the og.
Becky: You were the og. Yeah. Um, and she’s taking my class, the online class and she’s like, she’s sending me these messages of like, the material is very interesting and I forget the other word she used, um, out there.
It wasn’t out there. It was like, um. I have it right here. Yeah. She said it’s trippy, trippy and intriguing, you know? Um, and she said, , maybe it’ll take me a couple listens to get it. But she’s taking them, like, that’s amazing to me. And if we can all have just a little bit of an open mind, I think we’re, I think back to emptiness, you know, what does it take to learn something new?
And to have an open mind, you have to empty your mind of everything you’ve been taught before and meet what’s being presented to you with that beginner’s mind. And that to me is. The most cherished thing we can do. ‘cause that means we are meeting each moment as it arises without all this baggage. Like, how are we ever going to learn something new if we don’t empty ourselves of what we’ve known before?
Christina: Yeah. It’s, that’s like been the greatest gift and I think is the greatest gift that children becoming a parent can offer anyone. That’s certainly, um, that was a big return that I had to myself becoming a parent. ‘cause I, I think I, I always have a child like spirit anyway. Um, but, but realizing that I could spend a lot of my day on the ground looking at ants crawl, or spending time realizing that the wind was blowing and running around the yard with my son taking.
Taking note of where the wind was and making a game where the wind would blow us over. Mm. And so every gust of wind was like this miraculous, powerful thing that we enjoyed together, and we spent a really long time doing that.
And so kids are naturally oriented toward the right thing because they are empty, you know?
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Um, and actually even bringing it back to the podcast about transmission, the, the monk that was on it started when he was very young. I think he, I think he stopped, was like 13. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And so, um, a lot of times or what, what they said, what the other guy interviewing him or talking to him said was perhaps you’re, um, all of these Buddhist lessons.
Really land in you because you actually don’t have a clouded mind full of knowledge.
You know, quote unquote knowledge taught, institutionalized knowledge, um, because you’re able to, to meet your life with a beginner’s mind. Mm-hmm. It’s so beautiful and it, I oftentimes find myself, um, this is making me think about just the other day when I brought my son to tennis and there’s this beautiful children’s garden near where he practices tennis and all of these other parents are there, um, working usually, you know, ‘cause it’s a, it’s at like four o’clock, so the workday’s not done.
And, um, I spend time in the children’s garden finding, finding monarch caterpillars and, and seeing what the bugs are doing. And, um, it’s, and, and then like I’m with kids. I’m bringing kids into the experience because I think. I think I would feel so sad inside if I was sitting there on a computer surrounded by all of this life that’s right here, right?
Like we get the gift of actually being here. Um, and it just makes me want to tell everyone, look, did you know there, there are like a, a, a team of bees, all different types of bees on these, on these asters over here or whatever they’re doing. Um, yeah. But kids are all over the place. Kids are all over the place in those places just already having direct experiences and using their beginner’s minds to actually be really present in their experience there.
Becky: Mm-hmm. I’m thinking now of, um, it was Meister Eckhart. Yeah. That said, um. Is, I can’t remember his exact words, but, uh, progress is a process of subtraction, not addition, right? Mm-hmm. Or growth or evolution or, uh, enlightenment. What word did he use?
Christina: He, no. Um, I, I love that quote too. And it is Meister Eckhart.
And he says, “the soul does not grow by addition, but by subtraction.”
Becky: Yes. That’s
it.
Yeah. The message or intuition that wants to come through me right now is this, it feels like a breath. It feels like, you know, ‘cause we come in with beginner’s mind with, it’s not subtraction at the beginning. So it feels like this coming into body and adding and then subtracting.
Mm-hmm.
Christina: I love that. And it, you doing that and saying that it’s an, an intuition. I think that’s a lot of what this whole message on transition reminded me of, and what this whole last two years has reminded me of is that the things that I know that I feel and the things that you know, and that you feel deeply are your transmissions, right?
Mm-hmm. Like, that’s your intuition because it is flowing through you as you, it’s the, as you, that feels the most important to me.
Becky: Well, first of all, I wanna say it’s been editing. The, the podcast has been really interesting because. I’ve haven’t wanted to take out as much of the wrestling with language that we do and the ums and the, the starts and stops, because I want people to witness, there’s, there’s so many examples out there of like polished, you know, quote unquote Yes, polished outcomes.
And I want people to witness
that there is wrestling. It’s a process and there’s, you know, there’s wrestling through. So that’s the first thing that wanted to come through. And the second is, I am finding more and more, it takes great strength and courage to have an empty mind, to be a transmitter. And to transmit something in this world, whether it be art, whether it be, you know.
It, it doesn’t, we’re, it’s a, it’s a Buddhist term, but we’re taking it in like, what wants to come through you? What are you meant to offer to this world? And I’m really realizing how much courage it takes to empty your mind, because there’s so many messages that will ask, what are your credentials?
Where’s your, where is your, your citation, you know, where is that message coming from? And there isn’t a lot of messages that are saying, I value that message because I can tell that it just came through you. You know, they wanna know, like, like it’s only valid if someone else of note, probably a man said it first affirms it or said it first.
Yeah. Yeah. Said it first or affirms it. Yeah. And I. And so I am recognizing more and more how much courage it takes to, to empty the mind and say, that message just came through me and I probably, like, no information is original. It’s coming from source. It’s not mine. Mm-hmm. I’m not saying like, I’m not trying to copyright it.
Mm-hmm. Or own it, like whatever wants to come through me. I’m not trying to own it. Um, but I feel the, the forces that are still trying to pull me towards prove your validation. Like validate, where’s your validation? Yeah.
Christina: Oh yeah.
I, um, I think it is brave. I think I was unconsciously doing the brave work forever until yeah, two-ish years ago.
And then once you become conscious of it, it’s like, I get it. I had a, a really good friend come into a studio opening. She came up and it was one of the first times I’d met her and now we’re really good friends and she came up to some of my work and was like, Hey, you are so brave.
And I was like, what? Thank you for coming to the studio, opening brave. Really? This is like, I just feel like I get to live like my best life. I like, are you kidding me? This is so great. And. Now I understand what she meant because to make something and to put it out in the world, and share your honest experience is vulnerable and that is scary.
And so doing that scary and vulnerable thing is brave.
Um, and I, you know, we’ve talked about this, but like, being vulnerable isn’t a hard thing for me because I grew up in a safe place and, uh, was encouraged by my parents and I Yeah. I, and so now diving deeper into how can I consciously create work that really matters or make a big pivot into new type of work, which is something I’m, I’m doing that’s really brave.
Becky: Yeah. It, it’s really brave because it’s vulner. It’s on a couple levels. On one, it’s brave and vulnerable because you’re putting out a piece of you, you know, you’re putting out your, what’s coming through you authentically, and you’re not trying to be like anyone else. There’s also a level of, um, survival and physical safety that comes up for me, and I know we’ve talked about this before about the money, you know, it’s Oh
Christina: yeah.
It,
Becky: you are being, uh, being an artist is not the safe path. And, I’m sure there have been times in your life where you’ve been scared, you know, I’m not saying there’s no fear. Yeah. Um, but I, I was actually reflecting on this, this, this morning because, you know, I am putting my offering out into the world and, and.
I’m very supported my wife supports us financially for now, but like, that’s not a sustainable thing for our happiness. So there is, there’s this survival aspect to it. And in reality I have a support system in my family and because I wasn’t taught to really carry safety in my body, I can forget that my body doesn’t know that.
My mind knows that if my life fell apart, you know, my parents would be there. Absolutely. And I’m very privileged and lucky in that. And still my body doesn’t know that and my body can go into survival mode. So it’s brave on a, on a lot of levels and it really like raising your kids and doing this work as a parent.
This work, meaning learning how to find safety in your body, learning how to regulate your nervous system and then demonstrating that to your kids is probably the biggest
gift.
And I’m biased ‘cause this is my lens, but it’s such a gift to give your children and to have children who grow up with a felt sense of safety in their body where they can be authentically themselves is revolutionary.
Christina: Yeah. But it’s a, it’s a reciprocal experience. It’s a reciprocal relationship because they, they welcome me back into myself too.
Becky: Hmm.
Christina: Yeah. It’s, I don’t think it’s like I’m, I’m their teacher and they’re my students. . It’s the other way.
Often it’s a cyclical thing. We go back and forth. I teach here, you teach me, I teach here, you teach me.
Becky: Mm-hmm. Yeah. It’s not a teaching, it’s a showing up and demonstrating. Mm-hmm. You could tell your kids all you want to breathe and to be present and you can tell your kids accept yourself, but if you don’t accept yourself as the caregiver, um, I mean, I’m not a parent, so this is theoretical, but, um, yeah.
Mm-hmm. It’s a gift. Mm-hmm.
This tender feeling does feel like an, an emptying, it does feel like an emptiness of like,
because I’m not in my head, you know, I’m feeling these feelings which are in the body. I mean, even down to like, I’m feeling the, the, um, cyclical rhythms of my womanly body. You know, I’m very much in my body and not in my head, and it feels like an emptying, um. And it’s, it’s been such a, um, beautiful, uh, practice editing these podcasts and reflecting and hearing my own voice and, and hearing, I can tell my voice has now become an indicator for me of when my nervous system is activated and when I’m pulled out of presence.
Wow. And when I’m in presence, my voice and my handwriting, actually, I had this thought the other day, um, and it’s actually a thing your voice gets tightened when you’re, like, your vocal cords get tight when you’re in, um, activation. And I can sense it now. And just because I’ve been listening to my voice so often over the last You have couple weeks.
Yeah. Um, yeah. It’s interesting, but it does take courage to sit in the silence, to trust that what will come through will come through. Mm-hmm.
Christina: I never want to get, I never want to get into like a dangerous thought process in recording these or in even making them where it’s like, what’s, what’s important for me to say right now?
What’s important for us to say? Then it gets too ego and like, we’re just two people. Mm-hmm.
Becky: I’ve caught myself in, in, that’s what I mean in like going back and editing. I can tell when I’m captured. It’s not all the time, but I, I see it. I, I can sense it when I got captured by, um,
yeah. It’s usually when I’m trying, when I’m like spouting a fact or a figure, which is so out of alignment, um, I love facts. I really do. I love facts, but they’re meant to like, come into me, bring me the essence of that fact, and then integrate into my being and come out a different way. They’re never meant to like come back out as facts.
Um, yeah. But it’s, but we’re all learning and that’s what I love about leaving in the stuttering and leaving in Yeah. Like, that’s where I was in that episode. That was my, uh. My stage of growth and let it be what it is, you know?
Christina: Yes. This is not a place where we’re showing up as a version of ourselves that’s like very put together and, uh, talking with you here is like talking with you on my front porch.
It’s the same. And that’s like, yeah, that’s what, um, yeah. I think that’s a really nice thing. It’s, I mean, first of all, it’s just nice to just chat with you.
Um, I think the point is not to be in full presence all the time, it’s just to be able to, to reorient yourself to it if you can, you know? Mm-hmm. Like, come back to it, come back to the breath, come back to noticing things. Yeah. Noticing your life, like pulling back. Where are you?
Here you are.
Becky: So as you reflect on being a transmitter, as Christina. Do you have a sense or can you articulate what it looks like or what it feels like, or what’s important for you or what needs to come? What wants to come through you?
Christina: Yeah. I think, um, I think for me, I am working on, um, I am working on being able to receive my life every day for at least a little bit of the day, which to me, looks like scheduling time for quiet, being outside in all seasons, in presence, in a, in a space of noticing and, um, not overscheduling.
My time, which I have slowly accepted that, that is the, that is where I feel the best at this moment, is by offering, probably like 20% of my week is quiet.
In a non, um, I was gonna say non making, but like non-active. ‘cause I have plenty of time. You know, there’s probably like 40%, 50% of my week that’s in the studio, listening to a podcast, listening to music, moving my body, making things, which oftentimes can be a very present practice.
But I have noticed that in order for me to be able to transmit what I believe is meant to come through me, I need at least 20% of my week to be extremely non-engaged. And maybe non-engaged is the wrong word, but, um. Very quiet and slow and present. Um, and that is a strange thing to know about yourself when you’re in a world where productivity is, is the goal.
And when you’ve been, um, successful and, and kept busy and happy mm-hmm. With that productivity, like it wasn’t a, a sad experience. I loved it. But now I’m just being honest with where I am. And where I am is asking me to be really quiet and to, um, honestly, my intuition is asking me to clear the table right now, which feels.
Wacky, but it’s here. It is asking, and I can hear it. I can hear it saying, no, no, actually a little bit more needs to be cleared away. You thought that was enough? Actually, a little bit more. What happens when I do that go, it’s very icky feeling. Um, but I am hearing it and I think there’s something new that’s coming around the corner and I can’t, it, it stopped there right now.
It won’t come around the corner to meet me until I am available enough to it, if that makes sense.
And then I will transmit whatever it’s, I meet, that’s where I am right now. Even that feels like a frightening thing to say out loud, but I know it, so why do I have to keep it in there? Yeah.
Becky: Yeah. And when you give yourself that space.
How do you notice or what do you notice about what you transmit and how you transmit?
Christina: It just feels more authentic if I do that. I could keep myself busy doing things that once felt authentic in a more unconscious way. Um, but it feels, it feels very different because what I’m doing is like surrendering completely to the thing that wants to come through.
I’m not saying, Ooh, but I need this and I need this, and like, this is actually pretty important to me. It feels whew. Like the deeper I go, the more there is, but I have to be willing to, um, really surrender myself to the thing and then the thing feels better coming out of me.
Becky: That’s what I was gonna ask is how do you recognize authenticity in your felt sense?
Christina: It’s just a, it’s just a feeling. It’s just like a soul alignment. Um, and that is a hard feeling to describe, but I, I feel like I keep getting closer, um, to something very true. And, but I think I can get even closer to it.
And I think, um, it doesn’t feel like, it doesn’t feel like a, like an addiction situation where this feels good, so I want more.
It’s like I actually think I have brushed the surface of something extremely real and raw and true. And. It’s almost like I get the visual when I’m talking about this. I get the visual of like a very dusty painting and I’ve dusted some of it, like something that’s been sort of like under dirt or dust for a while and I’m, I just, what, what else is there?
What else is there? What else is there in this painting? What, actually, I can only see a part of it and it’s beautiful and I could happily live looking at that for a while,
forever. Mm-hmm.
But I think, I feel what I am sensing is asking me to continue to spend my time unearthing whatever it is, is there
Becky: Mm.
Christina: That is brave.
That feels brave. Yeah.
Speaker: Mm,
Christina: mm-hmm. Do you want the question reflected back on you, or do you feel like it doesn’t apply?
Becky: What the transmission
Speaker 4: Yeah,
Becky: I don’t know. Ask it and we’ll see what comes through.
Christina: So what does, what does it feel like to be a transmitter to you? How does it, how does it feel?
Speaker: Hmm.
Becky: It feels like
the image that’s coming up is like this invisible hand pushing me from behind, and I’m like, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, um, not like a full resistance, but a, it feels like this invisible hand is pushing me. Forward, um, on a stage, I’m getting the image of a stage and I don’t wanna be on the stage. Um,
Christina: who’s watching you?
Becky: It doesn’t matter actually, that’s, I’m not even seeing, um, an audience. I just got this image of like a light beam coming down, but it’s not shining on me. It’s like going through me, like all the way through.
Um,
yeah. So that’s the, the raw image that’s coming, coming through, and the feeling in my body. I feel very much in my body and not in my head. And um, and I used my tools. I, you know, sat down and I meditated and I prepared. ‘cause in the podcast, you know, he talks about you have to prepare yourself to be a transmitter.
And I am, now that I’m on the stage, you know, now that I’ve been pushed onto the stage, I have such deep reverence for being here. So it does feel really important to prepare myself as much as possible because there are a lot of voices, um, that are doing the best they can. I’m, and there’s, they’re doing great work, but I just get this feeling that they’re not living what they’re saying.
And that’s fine. You know, they help a lot of people. But for me, I need to live anything I’m transmitting. And it, maybe that’s ‘cause I am so rooted in, I’m not a Buddhist practitioner necessarily, but I am rooted in the teachings of the Buddha, which say you practice, it’s all practice and you have to practice what you teach.
Like Tik Han, he did a lot of trans of translating when he was alive and he would rewrite the, the sutras, which are the teachings of, of the Buddha. But he had to live them first. That was in the podcast. And um mm-hmm. And that feels true to me. Like I can’t teach anything that I don’t, I haven’t practiced and shown in my own life that they are valuable.
Um. So I’m feeling to be a transmitter means I have to show up in my life, in my, for my own life. And I think my greatest gift can be to just show up and share my experience and show more than tell, like, show this is what it feels like when, when you practice presence. Um,
and it feels tender. It feels really tender to be a transmitter and trying to be one authentically in a world in this world right now. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Christina: Thank you.
Becky: Mm-hmm. Thank you for asking. Mm-hmm.
Christina: The music was recorded live as a part of the Sound Service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January, 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak the composer of this piece is playing bass clarinet, and Tomas Cruz and Katie Seiler are singing.
Becky: The deeper into my practice I get the more and more I feel that most of life is just one giant trust fall. Which makes sense because the only minute, the only moment that is real is this moment right now and absolutely anything can happen in the next moment no matter how hard I try to control or prepare.
So like, yeah, life is just one giant trust fall over and over again every single moment.
