A client told me she was doing a “Marie Kondo” on her closet, ridding herself of anything that no longer gave her ‘joy’.
We went on to talk about her sex life with her partner that included a nagging resistance to being touched.
Somewhere along the line she formed a belief system about touch. She couldn’t identify a particular incident that informed that belief system. There was no trauma or abuse. She just knew that when she was touched (even by her loving partner) her body would recoil, and she’d shut down.
This didn’t stop her from having a sex life, but it did prevent her from looking forward to sex and enjoying it!
After a few coaching sessions, she was ready to see her touch aversion for what it was - a belief system that no longer serves her. I suggested she view her beliefs much like the old sweaters she was throwing out and do a Marie Kondo on her sexual beliefs.
She could hold them up one at a time and ask, “Does this belief spark joy?” This isn’t as easy as throwing out an old sweater, but it poses the same simple question.
It became clear to her that she (and her body) believed receiving touch was not joyful. She packed up those beliefs and did the work of replacing them with beliefs that serve her.
I reminded her of Marie’s very important step before letting something go, which is to first thank the belief for the place it held in your life and the purpose it served at the time.
When we form beliefs about sex, we’re usually pretty young. Our early life experiences often imprint themselves strongly in our brain. Everything is new, we’re inexperienced, and we’re easily influenced in our attitudes .
We form judgments and develop fears that can stay with us for a lifetime. That is, unless we hold them up to the light of scrutiny and ask ourselves Marie’s question, Does this belief system spark joy?
Our most troubling and constricting beliefs could have protected us from hurt in the past. Our judgments and fears may have actually kept us safe at one point in time! But if those beliefs no longer reflect who you are today and no longer protect you from a threat, then you have the choice to replace old beliefs with new ones.
So, rather than shoving your antiquated beliefs in a box of shame and regret, you can hold them up to the light and give them a final look.
Ask yourself: What are my antiquated sexual beliefs? Is it time to open the closet door and update what’s inside?
( Are core negative beliefs informing your thoughts and actions today? We now understand more about our brains than ever before, of course. We know that our brains are not static and unchangeable, in fact, they are capable of immense change. If you want to understand more about how to clear core negative beliefs and replace them with affirming, supportive beliefs, reach out.)
As with all of my chapters in The Turned-On Couple, use this article to start a conversation with your partner about core negative beliefs you both may have formed over the years.
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