There are places on my daily walk where I pick a small lavender bud to crush in my hands and inhale its calming fragrance. I pass a running creek that sparkles in the sun. I see dogs of all kinds engaged in their own present-moment practice. I see white clouds appearing and disappearing and vibrant colors in changing leaves.
If I’m aware enough to notice these opportunities to slow down and see what’s in front of me, I take a breath and remind myself to “savor.”
Savoring is more than mindfulness. Mindfulness brings us to a razor’s edge of awareness that has qualities of neutrality and acceptance. Mindfulness teaches us to be with what is.
Savoring, on the other hand, brings an additional layer of experience. It brings a depth of noticing that’s filled with gratitude and appreciation, and even a sense of preciousness.
We all have our moments where we fully receive the gift of what’s there to be savored, knowing that every moment is fleeting and therefore precious.
When I savor something, I imagine breathing it in completely, even combining with it like I’m squeezing out every ounce of pleasure from the experience.
Here are some savoring memories that come to mind: Standing in front of a brilliant sunset, immersing my nose in a bouquet of flowers, inhaling the sweet scent of a baby’s head, embracing a 2000-year-old redwood tree, cuddling up to a warm body, and feeling pride in myself and others. I can close my eyes and savor all of these memories.
Sexual savoring is no different than raising a rose to your nose and breathing deeply.
Sexual savoring means slowing down and noticing what’s happening — what’s worthy of appreciation. As I say to my clients, even in moments when our needs aren’t being perfectly met, there’s almost always something worth savoring. We can train ourselves to look for it.
Sexual savoring is a mindset. It’s a decision we make, and an action we take.
Savoring takes us out of our heads and into our present-moment senses: the curve of your lover’s hip, their voice in your ear, the beating of their heart, their laughter, their silence, the physical pleasure of sensations, and the excitement of building arousal.
So many small moments are worthy of stopping, noticing, and savoring before they’re gone and replaced by the next moment!
It’s like mining for the threads of gold that run through a rock; we hold the rock up to the sun to see what’s there to notice and savor.
When we feel the pleasure of someone’s finger lightly traveling down our spine, we can allow ourselves to savor the experience.
When we breathe in the scent of our partner’s skin, we can connect to the pure pleasure of that breath.
When we feel desire arise with a loving partner, we can remind ourselves to savor that moment and mark it in our memory as something precious and worth remembering.
Lovers who know how to savor are fully embodied in their sexual experience. They’re present and attuned to the moment. They don’t seek to get somewhere other than where they are. They connect to their desire and appreciation, and their partners feel it.
Welcoming our own pleasure and savoring isn’t easy for everyone. Savoring may feel contrary to the messages we’ve told ourselves.
Messages like:
“I’m not worthy of sexual pleasure;”
“I need to focus on my partner’s pleasure more than my own;”
“If I can’t have the kind of sex life I want, then there’s nothing in it for me;” and
“I’m too distracted by more important things to fully enjoy myself.”
Allowing ourselves to take pleasure and savor an experience labels that memory as positive in our brains. It supports our ability to, in Joseph Campbell’s words, “follow our bliss” and notice where it wants to lead us.
If you accept that every moment offers something to savor, sex becomes a string of moments you can mine for their embedded gold.
Savoring may not solve all our sexual challenges any more than smelling a lavender bud solves all of life’s challenges, but it brings our focus to what’s happening and what’s worth our appreciation.
It welcomes in the pleasure to be found and it empowers us to follow our own bliss. So, the next time you have sex (partnered or solo), slow down — for pleasure’s sake — and remember to savor the gold embedded in every moment.
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