Welcome to the 8th issue of the Fit Shepherds’ newsletter. This week, I am sharing with you a really deep topic: the father wound. It’s something that is not often talked about, but it pretty much affects most men. The audio above features Bob Kroll, a Catholic speaker who talks often about fatherhood. Normally, I deliberately pick audio segments for the newsletter that are short, because I know you all are busy. But this interview is long, around 16 minutes, which is edited from an even longer interview that I heard as a podcast. I picked out the key parts of his interview that dealt with the father wound to help you understand it and help you to heal from it. Listen to it or read on to learn more…
The definition of a father wound:
From Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons, a Catholic psychiatrist:
While the term ‘father wound’ is not an officially recognized clinical term, it is used by many mental health professionals in identifying the origin of numerous emotional and behavioral conflicts in spouses, singles and children. These difficulties can be the result of failing to have a strong, loving and supportive relationship with a responsible father, or as a result of modeling after and then repeating significant weaknesses of the father, such as selfishness, excessive anger, emotionally distant behaviors or indifference to the faith.
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From Focus on the Family:
We all come into the world helpless, dependent and needing acceptance, to be treated as worthy, and to be blessed. The father wound is the absence of this love from your father. The wound can be caused by:
* Neglect – I am unimportant
* Absence – Divorce, separation, death
* Abuse – Mental, physical, sexual, spiritual
* Control – Oppressive domination
* Withholding – Love, blessings and/or affirmation, deficiencies that lead to a profound lack of self-acceptance.
The effect of a father wound is low self-esteem, a deep emotional pain inside and a performance orientation that makes us "doers" rather than "beings." We tend to have four barriers that inhibit the healing of this wound:
* Pride – No will to confront or change; "I’m alright"
* Sin – A blocked will that neither seeks to confess sin or receive forgiveness
* The wound itself – Continuous emotional hurt inside
* Lies – Misconceptions about the self, birth father and God
Instead of going to the pain and receiving the healing we need, we tend to respond to life events by creating a misconception about our "self."
Relationship to our birth father:
When we hold a conception of our birth father as angry, violent, uncaring, indifferent, distant/withdrawn, absent/abandoning, alcoholic, condemning and/or critical, we tend to believe the following words about ourselves:
* I am unworthy
* I am stupid
* I am incompetent
* I am unloved or unlovable
As long as we accept these words as truth, we will experience depressed, anxious and angry lives.
Relationship to God the Father:
Often a person’s image of God the Father is contaminated by the personal experience he or she has with the birth father. When misconceptions about God are present (i.e., that He is angry, judgmental, unhappy with me, fearsome, legalistic, quick to punish and slow to forgive . . .) the words we tend to believe are:
* I am not good enough
* I am guilty/shameful
* I must work harder to justify myself
As long as we accept these words as truth, we will seek to perform and prove our worth through perfectionism and materialism, or seek addictions to cover up the pain.
Addressing the father wound:
There are four steps to addressing the father wound:
1. Understanding the heart of God
2. Inviting Jesus into the wounds created by the birth father
3. Accepting the truth about one’s self as a child of God
4. The heart of God
As seen in the prodigal Son story:
* We are free to choose our own path
* The father waits patiently for us to return to Him
* When we return, He accepts us unconditionally
* He runs to accept and embrace us
* He values us by celebrating God’s provision for salvation
* He loves us first
* We are His beloved creation
* He offers salvation for our sins
* He wants a relationship with us
Jesus as the Wounded Healer:
* He was tempted by Satan to know our temptations
* He experienced suffering to know our suffering
* He was rejected, mocked, beaten and crucified
* He fully understands our pain and wants to help
* 1 Peter 2:24: "By His wounds you have been healed"
Jesus Heals:
* When invited into memories, He offers us love
* When we receive the sacraments, especially the sacrament of reconciliation
When you understand His love:
* Ask for forgiveness for any misconceptions you have had about Him
* Receive His forgiveness
* Receive His love
Invite Jesus into the wounds created by your father
Do inner healing for the memories:
* invite Jesus into the specific memories
* understand the words that you accepted at the time
* ask Jesus to reveal His truth to you
* receive His truth about who you are
Choose to forgive your father:
* for hurtful words
* for hurtful actions
* for not loving you
* for not blessing you
* for affecting your image of God the Father
Accept yourself as a child of God
Receive the words of truth:
* I am accepted
* I am loved
* I am God’s creation
* I am precious in His sight
* I have been redeemed by the Risen Lord, who is our savior
* I will never be left or forsaken
* I have an eternal inheritance
* Nothing can separate me from the love of God
As you understand the truth about God’s love and come to know your true self in Christ, it will free you to let go of the pain and forgive your birth father. This new perspective created in you will now enable you to see your father through different eyes and allow you to live in freedom.
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From the Bible:
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of sonship that enables us to cry, 'Abba! Father!' (Romans 8:15).
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From Father Richard Rohr, a Franciscan friar:
Saints are people who are whole. They trust their masculine soul because they have met the Father. He taught them about anger, passion, power and clarity. He told them to go all the way through and pay the price for it. He shared with them …. His own decisive Word, His own illuminating Spirit. They are comfortable knowing, and they are comfortable not knowing. They can care and not care without guilt. They can act without success because they have named their fear of failure. … The [male] saints are invincible. They are men!
There are many reasons, I’m sure, why a healthy masculine spirituality has taken so long to emerge. The state needed conformists and unfeeling warriors to go about its business, and holy Mother Church seemed to want children more than bridegrooms. But I am convinced there is a more fundamental reason why men … have failed to love and trust their masculine energy. It is this: The vast majority of people in Western civilization suffer from what I call a father wound. Those who have this father wound have never been touched by their human father. Either he had no time, no freedom, or no need, but the result is children who have no masculine energy. They will lack self-confidence, and the ability to do, to carry through, to trust themselves – because they were never trusted by him.
If there is one very good reason for God to reveal Himself as the Father of Jesus, it is because that is where most people are unfeeling, unbelieving and unwhole. With Philip the Apostle, we all join in, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied” (John 14:8). Without facing, feeling and restoring this wound, I am sure that most people will continue to live lives of pseudo-masculinity: business and bravado as usual, dishonest power instead of honest powerlessness. And the sons and daughters of the next generation will repeat the sad process – unfathered.
Is there a way out? There is. But only for “men” – that is, for… men who will act. There is no way to masculinity. Masculinity is the way. So, name the wound. Feel and weep over the wound. That is strength, not weakness. Seek the face of the Father. That is action and journey, not passivity. Own and take full responsibility for your life and behavior. Don’t blame, sit in shame, or wait for warm feelings or miracles.
Act as if.
Do it. Go with it. Risk it.
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St. Gregory of Nyssa once said:
Sin happens whenever we refuse to keep growing.
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Prayer for a father who was difficult:
God of Love, I come before you to pray for my father. You know how much he suffered, and You alone fully know how much was wounded and broken in him. I feel so sad, and at times I feel so angry, so cheated, because I couldn't have a good relationship with him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life resenting my father, so I turn to You to hold him up to you. I know you are a God of mercy. Forgive him and heal him. Please let that forgiveness touch my heart as well. I want to forgive him and know the peace of letting go of those hurts — or at least the peace of not letting them continue to hurt me. I pray for him because I want what is best for him. I want him to know you and to know your love for him. One day, in Your loving embrace, may all the wounds in his heart, and mine, be healed.
Amen.
Don’t forget to share this newsletter with other men whom you think will benefit from it. Also, don’t forget to come to the Catholic Man Night at Our Lady of Mercy in Aurora on May 23:
