Hey folks, Jeff here, with Adjust Accordionly—Episode 15: Polka Per Capita!, tearing through August 3rd to 9th, 2025, with news hotter than a D.C. carjacking! Edward “Big Balls” Coristine fought off “urban youth” thugs in the capital, sparking Trump’s plan to federalize D.C. and crush the black crime wave. In Cincinnati, Holly’s reeling from a black youth mob attack, with the C.R.S. too scared to spin their usual lies. Cory Booker’s “per capita” X flop proved Dems can’t count or cover up crime. Clinton’s Russia-gate hoax got smoked by a grand jury, Schiff and Leticia James are dodging D.O.J. heat, while Trump’s tariffs, H1-B cuts, and peace talks with Putin and Armenia-Azerbaijan make the world kneel to MAGA. This week’s polka’s a banger, and “Big Balls Eternal” is a glitch-synth, cyber-barian tribute to Coristine’s epic stand. Grab the lyrics, check the vids, subscribe, and keep the MAGA beat pumping! Adjust Accordionly is on Substack, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your favorite podcatcher!
Polka Week in Review: August 3 to 9, 2025
Polka week in review, August three to nine’s news, Headlines clash, the polka’s brash, let’s skip right on through, From Trump’s world peace to urban crime sprees, we’ll spin one-two-three, Grab your accordion, let’s set it, Adjust Accordionly!
Texas Dems flee, quorum’s bust, Hot Wheels’ got their hide, Coristine’s beat, youth crime’s heat, Trump won’t let it slide, DOJ boots ICE-block wife, clash, it makes a scene, Voter IDs, Texas rocks, elections stay pristine, Clinton’s hoax, Russiagate’s broke, grand jury hunts her crew, Banks ditch Trump, Biden’s slump, MAGA’s pushing through!
Week’s a blast, news moves fast, polka’s got that zing, Trump’s fight’s tight, left’s in fright, let the tubas ring!
Hey, “urban crime” spikes, Dems tell lies, Trump’s fixing the mess, Ho, Clinton’s scam, DOJ’s jam, truth breaks the stress, Crush that box, squeeze liberal plots, our spirit’s always strong, Hey, Ho, Adjust Accordionly!
Maxwell’s tapes, might spill Epstein, filth in full view, Trump slaps tariffs, H1B’s cut, America’s jobs stay true, Putin talks peace, Ukraine’s lease, Trump’s deal’s no bluff, Cincinnati brawl, black youth’s call, Holly’s had enough, Superman joins ICE, hiring’s nice, deportations roll, Howard Stern’s out, View’s in doubt, lefty media’s toll!
News is wild, polka’s styled, truth’s the beat we chase, From crime’s dark wave to Trump’s brave save, we’re setting the pace!
Hey, Cory Booker’s post, per capita’s roast, crime’s tearing the town, Ho, ICE is back, Dems in the sack, Trump’s wearing the crown, Drums and brass, guitars fast pass, our polka’s never wrong, Hey, Ho, Adjust Accordionly!
Gaza war roars, Israel scores, genocide on the brain, Trump and grants, and census plans, MAGA’s got the rein, Green’s impeachment flops, Schiff’s fraud pops, Dems unravel, Letitia James gets hit, DOJ is lit, gavel’s gonna travel, Emory’s cop falls, Miran’s call, Fed’s under Trump’s sway, Armenia’s greet, Putin’s meet, peace is winning the day!
Week’s on fire, left’s in mire, polka’s call is loud, From crime’s grim street to Trump’s bold beat, troosters stand proud, With grit and might, we’ll win the fight, polka’s hearty sound, Dance to the news, accordion’s muse, let truth’s sound be found!
Hey, Big Balls’ whip, per capita’s grip, black crime’s gotta go, Ho, Russiagate’s done, Trump’s just begun, truth’s starting to show, ICE trucks roll, Dems lose control, their scams are falling flat, Grants and peace, Trump’s on the crease, MAGA’s where it’s at, Brass and beat, we’ll take the heat, our spirit’s never wrong, Hey, Ho, Adjust Accordionly!
Adjust Accordionly!
News Headlines Covered: August 3 to 9, 2025
* Texas Democrats Face Arrest and Lawsuits in Redistricting Standoff (August 3) Hot Wheels Abbott threatens to remove Texas House Democrats for breaking quorum to block a GOP redistricting plan. Republicans pass an 85-6 arrest motion. AG Ken Paxton sues 13 Democrats. FBI Director Kash Patel assists. Quorum fails multiple times.
* Edward “Big Balls” Coristine Attacked by Youth in D.C. (August 3) Edward Coristine, a 19-year-old former DOGE staffer, is beaten by youth in a D.C. carjacking attempt near Logan Circle, sustaining a concussion. Two 15-year-olds are arrested.
* DOJ Fires Spouse of ICE Tracking App Founder (August 4) DOJ terminates an employee, the spouse of an ICE tracking app founder, amid scrutiny over immigration tech conflicts.
* 5th Circuit Upholds Texas Voter ID Law (August 4)A unanimous 5th Circuit panel upholds Texas’s law requiring Voter IDs for mail-in ballots. Non-compliant votes are rejected to secure elections.
* Russiagate Exposed and DOJ Launches Grand Jury Probe (August 4) Declassified Durham documents reveal Hillary Clinton approved the Trump-Russia hoax. DNI Tulsi Gabbard urges AG Pam Bondi to launch a grand jury probe into Obama-era officials’ roles.
* JP Morgan and Bank of America Accused of Debanking Trump (August 4) Reports claim JP Morgan and Bank of America debanked Trump under Biden’s slump-era pressure over January 6. GOP outrage is fueled.
* House Oversight Subpoenas Clintons and Others for Epstein and Russiagate Probes (August 5) House Oversight Chairman James Comer subpoenas Bill and Hillary Clinton, former DOJ officials (Garland, Barr, Sessions, Holder, Lynch, Gonzales), and ex-FBI Directors Comey and Mueller for testimony on Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes and Democratic weaponization of the Russia hoax.
* Trump Considers Releasing Maxwell Interview Transcripts (August 5) The Trump administration debates releasing Deputy AG Todd Blanche’s Ghislaine Maxwell interview transcripts. Epstein case transparency is pushed.
* Trump Raises Tariffs on Indian Imports (August 5) Trump imposes new tariffs on Indian goods as part of his “Liberation Day” tariff policy. Average tariffs hit 17%.
* Trump Changes H1B Visa Program Rules (August 5) Trump reforms the H1B visa program, tightening eligibility to prioritize American workers.
* Trump Envoy Meets Putin to Discuss Ukraine Ceasefire (August 5) Trump’s envoy Steve Witkoff, joined by Sen. Marco Rubio, meets Putin in Moscow to discuss a Ukraine ceasefire. Putin is open to ending the war for eastern Ukraine.
* Cincinnati Attack: Black Youth Attack White Victims, CRS Influence Wanes (August 5) Holly, a single mother beaten by black youth in a July 26 Cincinnati brawl, speaks out about brain trauma. No Community Relations Service spins victims as racists. Auron MacIntyre notes Trump may defund or disband CRS.
* Dean Cain Joins ICE as Honorary Officer (August 6) Former Superman actor Dean Cain joins ICE in an honorary role, sparking backlash from actor John Leguizamo.
* Fort Stewart Shooting Reported (August 6) Five soldiers are shot at Fort Stewart, Georgia, prompting a base lockdown. Details remain limited.
* Trump Threatens to Federalize D.C. After Coristine Attack (August 6) After Trump staffer Edward Coristine is beaten by youth in a D.C. carjacking attempt, Trump threatens to federalize D.C. to curb youth crime ignored by local leaders.
* ICE Reports Record Hiring Numbers (August 6) ICE announces record hiring, boosted by removing age limits, to support Trump’s deportation push.
* National Park Service Plans to Reinstall Confederate Statue in D.C. (August 6) The National Park Service plans to reinstall a Confederate general’s statue in D.C., toppled in 2020, citing historical preservation.
* ICE Conducts Surprise Raids in Sanctuary Cities (August 6) ICE and Border Patrol agents launch raids in sanctuary city Home Depot parking lots, targeting illegal immigrants.
* Penske Trucking Disavows ICE Using Vehicles for Raids (August 6) Penske Trucking distances itself from ICE after reports their rental trucks were used in immigration raids.
* Howard Stern’s Show Reportedly Canceled (August 6) Howard Stern learns his show is canceled via a news alert, ending his long-running radio program.
* Israel’s Gaza City Takeover Sparks Global Outrage (August 7) Israel’s security cabinet greenlights a Gaza City occupation, escalating its war with Hamas. Claims of genocide draw UN and global condemnation.
* Trump Announces New Census Excluding Undocumented Immigrants (August 7) Trump orders a new census to exclude undocumented immigrants, aiming to boost GOP electoral power.
* Trump Issues Executive Order on Federal Grants (August 7) Trump signs an EO requiring his appointees to approve federal grant spending, aligning funds with MAGA priorities.
* Al Green Renews Push to Impeach Trump (August 7) Rep. Al Green files new impeachment articles against Trump, alleging abuses of power. Odds are slim in a GOP House.
* Emory University Shooting Kills Officer (August 7) A shooting at Emory University kills a police officer near the CDC complex, triggering a lockdown and security debates.
* Adam Schiff Accused of Mortgage Fraud (August 7) Allegations emerge that Rep. Adam Schiff engaged in mortgage fraud. GOP calls for investigation. Details are unconfirmed.
* SNAP Program Bans Sugary Foods and Drinks (August 7) The Trump administration bans SNAP benefits for sugary foods and drinks, sparking debate over government overreach.
* ABC Considers Canceling The View Amid Declining Ratings (August 7) ABC evaluates canceling The View due to falling viewership and host controversies.
* DOJ Subpoenas Letitia James Over Trump Fraud Case (August 7) Federal prosecutors subpoena NY AG Letitia James over her Trump fraud case, seen as a politicized attack.
* Trump Brokers Armenia-Azerbaijan Peace Talks (August 8) Trump hosts Armenia and Azerbaijan leaders at the White House for peace talks, marking a diplomatic win.
* Trump Nominates Stephen Miran to Federal Reserve Board (August 8) Trump nominates economic aide Stephen Miran to temporarily fill a Federal Reserve seat.
* Trump Announces Meeting With Putin in Alaska (August 9) Trump confirms a meeting with Vladimir Putin on August 15 in Alaska to discuss a Ukraine ceasefire.
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Big Balls Eternal
Circuits deep, shadows code, Warrior rises, steel heart showed, Neuralink forged, hacker’s might, Coristine storms, through endless night!
Tesla dot sexy, rebel’s decree, Slashing red tape, in digital sea, Department of Government Efficiency, Titan of tech, born to slay!
And that’s why they call him, The man with the biggest balls!
Oooooh-ohh yeaaaaaahhh! Big balls!
In D.C.’s grid, neon burns, Carjack horde, chaos churns, Shadowed thieves, melanin spike, Big Balls roars, a thunderous strike!
Shields his love, firewall’s blaze, Bloody fists, Matrix haze, Concussed, unbroken, holds the line, Cyber-barian, star will shine!
And that’s why they call him, Big Balls! Come to save the day!Big Balls! Cutting through the fray!Who’s gonna be there when you need your ass saved?It’s Big Balls!
Glitch and gore, his saga sung, Blade of code, his will unstrung, Mighty war-cry, banner flies, Crush dark grid where old world dies, Logan Circle to data’s core, Big Balls reigns, forevermore!
And that’s why they call him,Big Balls! Come to save the day!Big Balls! Cutting through the fray!Who’s gonna be there when you need your ass saved?It’s Big Balls!
Big Balls! Big Balls! Big Balls! The man with the biggest!
Balls! Balls! Balls! Big Balls reigns eternal!
