So...I think by now our listener knows that I was in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist...and a few episodes ago Trinity also had a realization that, perhaps, you had (unknowingly) been in a relationship with a narcissist when our guest shared with us some characteristics of narcissistic behavior and these descriptions resonated in that moment and shined a light on what she had been previously unable to see. Our goal in our conversation with Annette is to do the same for you. Being in a toxic relationship can rob a woman of her identity when she finds herself always accommodating the manipulative and abusive behavior of her significant other. The difficult thing is that this behavior can sometimes be sooo pervasive, it's difficult to see.
Being able to put names to behaviors, as our guest, Annette Oltmans, does really can be helpful for our listener out there who is questioning her relationship...and maybe her own sanity...The labels and definitions help to expose the patterns of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence.
Our guest Annette is also a victim of covert emotional abuse herself and the Founder and CEO of The M3ND Project, which is a non-profit organization aimed at educating victims, survivors, helpers, and first responders on hidden emotional abuse, domestic violence, and double abuse.
She has conducted years of research - interviewed hundreds of victims, therapists, and faith-based leaders. The results of her research were used in creating the M3ND Project's Responding to Abuse curriculum. She has sooo many valuable resources on the MEND Project's site...so check it out ladies.
And to our listener out there who is starting to have this slow realization that, oh shit, this is MY relationship...know you're not alone. Look and listen for the signs and patterns Annette shared that are summarized below. Get help and get out.
Not all abusers are narcissists, but all narcissists are abusers
Narcissists will often use multiple behaviors at once to "attack" or put down their victims. Recognizable behaviors include (but are not limited to)
Blame shifting: In blaming, issues are always one-sided or reversed with the problem being laid at the victim’s feet.
Joking: “That was just a joke” can be the first sign of an abusive relationship.
Minimizing: Abusive belittling of the victim’s perspective. The intention is to make what the victim values unimportant, and therefore, kill confidence, creativity
Countering: Doing the opposite of what the victim requests
Deflection: When a concern is raised by the victim and the narcissist changes the topic to avoid responsibility
The pillars of abuse are the "ingredients" for narcissism
A faulty belief system: Deeply rooted belief that you're required to submit to their lead
Image Management: A strong awareness of how others perceive them
Hierarchical or Preferential Treatment: When societal/social norms or the individual's status in the community or relationship prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their behavior
Entitlement: They feel they are entitled, regardless of merit, that they deserve preferential treatment
Another term for co-dependency is "Self-love deficit disorder" the victim must seek out support through a trained therapist
Double abuse is when the victim finally finds the courage to speak out against her abuser and then is condemned, criticized, and ignored by her surrounding community, which create additional abuse/harm to the victim
The marriage recovery center is one of the true trusted resources trained to help couples resolve these situation
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