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Today, we're continuing the discussion on Attachment. This arc starts on Episode 25. We've talked Bonding for a few episodes, and today, we continue to discuss Boundaries. Taking a lot of our information from the books "Boundaries" by John Townsend & Henry Cloud.
"Exercising "Secure Attachment" as an adult includes learning how to have boundaries in our relationships."
Differentiation: you feel bonded enough that you can set boundaries
In other words, the is feeling bonding and safe enough that you can set boundaries.
It also means you can comfort yourself without having someone else having to make you okay. And you don't have to inappropriately take responsibility for someone else's feelings.
Codependency: a lack of boundaries, not "staying on your side of the fence"
Taking responsibility (or over-responsibility) for someone's else's state of being rather than drawing an appropriate boundary
Without "Differentiation" we respond to FEAR (see Amygdala, Fight or Flight).
AVOID...because the person's feelings are too overwhelming
PLEASING...taking responsibility for their overreaction and trying to please them enough to calm them down (which trains them to be codependent)
You may recognize in these the attachment types
VACILLATE...pretend like the overwhelming emotion doesn't exist or then getting overburdened by it and trying to solve it and then getting angry when we can't and perhaps withdrawing again
"You're not the boss of me…" Bill Harley
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1cgWL3SH2g
Dinosaurs/Hypnotize Me Mash Up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VzZi-YrkRY
John 17
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+17&version=NLT
