There is nothing “fun” or enjoyable about this step. However, it is a good and needed part of the process. But do not allow these first two statements to cause you to think, “Alright then, let’s get it over with as quickly as possible.” That would be a mistake that would likely result in you missing the key information that is most important to glean from this step.
Your goal in this step is to identify the unhealthy patterns of relationship that have developed in your life. Often we miss the patterns for the events; a form of missing the forest for the trees.
The events (i.e., controlling-abusive behaviors, repeated intoxication of a loved one, having your opinion taken for granted, etc…) are usually things that are happening to us. They are painful and we remember them. It is right to view them as suffering. But often we assume suffering means we have no choice but to be passive and that we contribute nothing to the interaction.
The patterns are the ways we relate that enable the events to continue occurring. They are confusing and thinking about them often creates the fear that this will be “all my fault,” so we avoid thinking about them.
You can begin to see that this is where it is vital to differentiate responsibility from influence.
In this chapter we will not address the “methods of influence.” We will begin to see when these different “choices of influence” are possible. The first part of healthy action is clearly seeing when action is needed. Unhealthy relationships are notoriously murky. That is why accurately and consistently seeing the problem for what it is, is essential to living differently in unhealthy relationships. We will seek to accomplish this objective in three sections.
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