After acknowledging the history and realness of our relational unhealthiness, we need to understand the impact of these experiences on our life. Unless we understand the impact, we will be forced to “just try to do better;” which is often what leads us to the dilemma of taking responsibility for things that don’t belong to us and, hence, leads us to be controlling.
But the other rebuttal is, “Looking at the impact will only make me feel worse.” This is partially true, and why it is highly recommended you go through this study with a friend, pastor, or counselor. But it is also largely false. Consider the parallel example of debt. Many people in debt fail to itemize and total their debt for fear it will be overwhelming. But that leaves them powerless and with a “haunting ambiguous” sense of how big it must be.
In this chapter we will seek to understand the impact of relating codependently in four sections.
While difficult, this examination will do several things. First, it will show you where and how you can begin to engage your codependent relational style. There are many occasions other than conflict or drama when we can learn to relate in a healthier manner. This information will be very important in step seven.
Second, it will de-mystify the experience of codependency. Often the question, “How did things get this bad?” paralyzes and shames us with bewilderment. No piece of the codependent experience seems to account for the whole. Looking at the pieces can give you the hope and strength to continue the journey.
Third, it will begin to reveal the unhealthy ways you have made sense of your codependent experience. This will be the primary focus of step four, but understanding impact is a great way to make the unhealthy “story” we build around our codependent experience more obvious and, therefore, possible to change.
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