One of the biggest challenges in identifying goals for combatting the effects of codependency is to be active without accepting false guilt or distorting how you allocate responsibility for change again. It is easy to think if there is something I can do that would be more effective than what I have been doing, then if I had been doing it all along everything would be fine.
In order to help you avoid this mindset, we will order the strategies for relating more healthily in a progression that builds from intrapersonal strategies (inside of you) to interpersonal strategies (between you and the other person). The intent is to reinforce the idea that you can get healthier even if the other person does not and that their possible resistance to change does not have to be interpreted as your personal failure.
As you learn from and practice each strategy, pray that God will use it for restorative purposes in the life of your loved one. Ask God to soften their heart towards their need to change and provide them the courage to vocalize their need to change.
But, just as fervently, pray that God will give you the strength to continue on your journey towards healthier relational patterns whether your loved one is cooperative or not. If distance is created by your healthier choices, that is not “turning your back” or “leaving them behind.” Instead, it is you removing your cooperation with their dysfunction and pioneering a healthier life as an invitation for them to follow your example as you follow the example of Christ (I Corinthians 11:1).
Note: The relational restoration methods advised in this step presume that safety has been restored to the relationship. Until your loved one has taken the steps to acknowledge their destructive patterns and evidence change, then you should (a) only seek to implement those components of this chapter that pertain to your personal-emotional well-being, or (b) apply the interpersonal strategies to relationships that were unduly harmed by the mistrust developed because of your abusive-addictive relationship. Until safety is honored, then restoration is not wise or possible.
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