Finding the Why:
The Courage to Understand Betrayal
When betrayal strikes, one of the first—and most painful—questions we ask is: Why?
Why did they do this?
Why am I reacting this way?
Why does it still hurt?
In this weeks episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the emotional terrain beneath the question “Why?”—from both sides of betrayal. Whether you're the partner who was betrayed or the one who acted out, this conversation invites you to pause, look inward, and begin to understand the deeper patterns, pain, and unmet needs that often lie beneath surface behaviors.
This episode is about more than answers. It’s about reclaiming clarity, self-awareness, and hope. It’s about finding the courage to ask honest questions—and the grace to explore them without judgment.
Key Points from the Episode:
The “Why” Is Often Complex:
There's rarely a single reason behind betrayal. Stress, disconnection, childhood trauma, and emotional avoidance often intersect.
Understanding ≠ Justifying:
Explaining why something happened isn't about excusing it—it's about owning the story with honesty and accountability.
Betrayed Partners Need to Know Why:
Many betrayed partners seek the “why” not to forgive, but to feel safe—so it doesn’t happen again.
Anger as a Messenger:
Anger often masks deeper emotions like fear, grief, or feeling unlovable. Recognizing this helps both partners move toward healing.
The Power of Insight:
Recovery deepens when individuals identify their emotional triggers, patterns, and the moments they cross internal boundaries.
The “Five Whys” Technique:
Asking “Why?” five times in a row helps uncover the root belief or fear behind a reaction or behavior.
The Body Remembers:
Emotional memories can be stored somatically. Sometimes the why is felt before it's fully understood cognitively.
Self-Compassion Matters:
Whether you’re uncovering your own “why” or hearing your partner’s, approach the process with curiosity—not judgment.
Tools & Resources Mentioned:
Journaling Prompts for Insight:
“What was I feeling right before I acted out or shut down?”
“What does this experience say about me—and is that really true?”
“What need was I trying to meet?”
The 5 Whys Exercise (inspired by Toyota problem-solving method)
Morning Pages – from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
A daily writing practice to uncover unconscious thoughts and patterns.
Books Referenced:
The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
Willpower by Dr. Roy Baumeister
Mindsight by Dr. Daniel Siegel
Takeaway Message:
Understanding your why—whether you’re the one healing from betrayal or the one seeking to make things right—is an act of courage. It’s not about blame. It’s about seeing clearly, feeling deeply, and choosing to heal with intention.
For more information about Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn’s work please visit HumanIntimacy.com
