Have you ever noticed that just when you start moving on… the narcissist suddenly becomes kind again? Sweet messages. Apologies. Promises to change. It can make you question everything.
In this episode, Christy explains the manipulation tactic known as hoovering—why narcissists suddenly act nice when they feel you pulling away, how this behavior fits into the narcissistic abuse cycle, and what you can do to protect your peace. If you've ever wondered whether their sudden kindness means they've truly changed, this episode will give you clarity.
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If you're dealing with hoovering, emotional manipulation, or the lingering effects of narcissistic abuse, you don't have to navigate it alone. These patterns can be confusing and exhausting—but clarity and peace are possible.
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Related Episode
How to Spot a Narcissist in 60 Seconds
One of the most popular episodes of the show. Learn the fast red flags that reveal narcissistic behavior early.
https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-4sj92-15e6a4b
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Ever notice this? You finally start pulling away from the narcissist, you get strong, you get fierce and queeny, and suddenly they're nice again, overly nice. Sweet texts, apologies, promises. Today, we're talking about why narcissists suddenly act nice and the manipulation tactic called hoovering that pulls so many people back in. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five-minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. All right, queens. It is Christie with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. Welcome back or welcome if you are a newbie, a newbie queen. Welcome to the show. Today, we're talking about something that confuses almost everyone who has dealt with a narcissist. You start getting your power back, right? You stop chasing them. You stop overexplaining yourself or explaining yourself at all. And out of nowhere, they're nice again.
(01:10)
And you're like, "What just happened? What's happening?" And this usually shows up right when you start detaching. So maybe you stop texting back so fast because you are losing the conditioning that everything is urgent when it's not. Maybe you set a boundary and say, "I'm not going to let you talk to me like X, Y, Z anymore." Maybe you emotionally checked out. Maybe it's been a while, you are burnt out from their nasty, sticky, ugly spiderweb and you're just disconnected. And suddenly they miss you. They appreciate you. They're sorry. I have quotes up if you can't see me in the video. If you're just on audio, I'm putting a little quotation over that, sorry, because they're fake apologies. Okay? Or our personal favorite here, "I've been doing a lot of thinking." And your brain goes, "Wait, maybe they are really changing." But what you may be experiencing is called hoovering.
(02:19)
So what is hoovering? It is named after yes, the vacuum brand, because the narcissist is trying to suck you back in. When they feel you pulling away, they switch strategies. Instead of criticism, they'll give charm. Instead of distance, they will give you and shower you maybe even with attention. Instead of blaming you, they will give apologies. But the goal usually is not healing. The goal is regaining access to you. I'm going to repeat that again. Their goal is not healing, which it would be lovely if it was, but it is regaining access to you and control over you. In case you're new here, all narcissists seek really is control and that feeds them. So why do they suddenly act nice? There's a few reasons this happens. First, they feel that control slipping. When you stop reacting, it changes the whole dynamic. They love a good reaction.
(03:29)
It shows them that you're under their control, that you are affected by them and they love it. It feeds them. It literally feeds them. So the narcissists rely heavily on emotional reactions. So when that supply, as we call it in this world, narcissistic supply, when that supply disappears, they try to get it back. Second, they want to reset the cycle. So narcissistic relationships usually move through phases. We have the love bombing, right? And that's like right when you meet them, they love bomb you to get you. And then that comes back. There are these cycles. So love bombing, devaluing. That's when they start treating you poorly. Even they can start out slow sometimes where just like little dismissive comments that just kind of like beat you down a little by little emotionally, maybe physically, right? They're devaluing you. And then the discard where they really are treating you almost like trash.
(04:35)
And then comes the hoovering. That's the cycle reset. So if they can pull you back in, the pattern starts again. So they will do that love bombing. The hoover you in, love bomb you, go back to devaluing and discard, push you to that edge again, bring you back in. It is a hideous, hideous cycle. Why it is so confusing. Here's the tricky part. Sometimes during hoovering, they really do seem different. They're good at what they do usually. They're kinder, more thoughtful. One of my recent clients, an ongoing client of mine, during one of these cycles, he was buying her all of a sudden, and this is years into it. She had really pulled away a lot, set major boundaries, left him. He hoovered her back in. And what happened? He love bombed her with trips, beautiful gifts. Let's do this to the house, whatever you want, baby.
(05:47)
Start being more thoughtful. Let me bring you coffee in the morning. This is such a perfect example of love bombing after Hoovering. And it will and can make you question everything. You start wondering, maybe I misunderstood them. The most common one I see is maybe they've changed. Something like ... They realize what they lost and now they're going to change. But what's important to look at is patterns over time. So real change does not show up as a few nice texts or even a couple trips, right? It shows up as consistency, accountability, respect for boundaries. So if you are in a phase, and I hope you're not, and I hope you don't get Hoover back in, but if you're in the midst of it right now and you've been Hoovered and you're back in and like, wait, he is acting, he or she is acting different.
(06:48)
You've got to maybe even test things, set a boundary, see their reaction, right? Do a couple boundaries. Really test for that accountability and not just lip service on things that matter, not just a nice gift, not the things that are easy emotionally, right? A little easier than actually emotionally having to show up. And most importantly, which this is the hard part, right? Is does it last? And unfortunately, if you're in it right now, you may not know that until you've been in this cycle a little longer. But if you know the cycle goes back and forth and back and forth like this, that should be enough clarity for you to say, "Oh, this is a big pattern. We've done this three times. We've done this eight times. We've done this 90 times. It's time for me to pick up and go. " So the question that changes everything, instead of asking, are they finally changing?
(07:57)
Try asking, does this match their long-term pattern?
(08:03)
Because narcissists often become the nicest version of themselves right when they feel they're losing you. Not because they've transformed, right? That's not why, but because they want the connection and the control back. They want that cycle back. So if the narcissist in your life suddenly becomes nice when you start to pull away, or even if you're co-parenting, right? And you'll probably go through this. And this is what really mind F's everybody in these situations because you'll be like, "But he was so nice. Wait." And then now he's acting whatever again. And it's like you can even forget sometimes in the midst of their niceness, just how awful they've been because you're swooped up in their niceness. So this can happen whether you are currently with someone or if you are having to deal with someone like an ex that you're co-parenting with, or maybe your parent that you are maybe a little distanced with, but you have to deal with them and you're confused because you're like, "Well, they're nice to me the last couple weeks." And then next week you don't know what's going to happen.
(09:21)
But secret is you do know. If there's all these narcissistic traits, and you can go through my episodes to find those episodes, I'll try to remember to link one of them, the traits of narcissism. You can figure out what and who they are and look for the patterns. So if they're nice to you when you start pulling away, when you start creating boundaries, when you're like, "I'm not doing this anymore," pause, breathe, breathe, do that halo breath in through the nose, out through the mouth and remember kindness during hoovering is often part of the cycle, right? Not the end of it, it's part of the cycle. It never ends at kindness. It never ends at love bombing. A cycle never ends.
(10:19)
The worst case scenario cycle is it ends when you have got the real short end of the stick in many ways, right? We don't want you getting there. We don't want you to get to that point. We want you to get out of this cycle, right? So your job is not to decode them, not to figure out, have they changed? You've seen the patterns. You know what's coming next. This is a cycle. It's a cycle. Cycles doesn't have an end, right? Your job isn't to figure that out. We figured it out for you. You're in a cycle and your job is to protect your peace, however you can do that. I know it's very hard if you are in a co-parenting situation, but there are ways to do that. Obviously, I would say right now, 90, 95% of my clients are co-parents, maybe a little less right now.
(11:31)
It goes up and down, but generally, it's usually at least 80% of my clients, right? Our co-parents in crazy situations, and we are able to, one, navigate them.
(11:44)
I help with that. And then two, help your nervous system. So no matter what situation you're in, the beauty of the somatic healing we do, that's the body, healing through the body, no matter what you're going through, we can help heal your body in any situation. So that's the beauty of this work, right? We can help you navigate. We can't control other people. We can't control what they say or do, but you can control and start to alter through healing, through the body healing, be able to start at a higher vibe, essentially, and be able to deal with more and navigate easier and start to know yourself, trust yourself, and be built strong like a bull with a queen's crown on, so that you can find more peace. Your job is to protect your peace. Your job is not to control them or to change them or to figure them out.
(12:48)
Your job is to protect yourself and your children, if that's the case.
(12:57)
So if you're dealing with any sort of narcissistic or toxic situation right now, and you want to have a one-on-one customized session with me, I will link my information in the show notes. It should be in the little description box. There's always my links to work with me, and you can email me with any questions. I read every single email, and just know that you're not alone. There's a Facebook community just waiting for you to join, and it's private. So I will link that in the show notes as well. So check out all the things in the show notes, and don't forget to follow, because this is a long term journey, right? Narcissistic abuse, and it ain't easy going through it. So in solidarity, be with your people, be with us, come listen to these. Thursdays are my shorter somatic healing little methods, tips, and tricks, and tools, little bite-size episodes that you can save for when you're having a moment, when you're spiraling, when you're questioning yourself.
(14:08)
So those are on Thursdays. So make sure you do follow my podcast so you get notifications, so you'd know when I'm like, "Hey girl, hey, it's time." Yes, Queen, it's time. So Tuesdays and Thursdays, and yes, if you have any questions at all, feel free to email me at fiercemamase@gmail. It's also in the description, and I hope you are having a beautiful day. Don't let the narcs keep you down. All right, shine your crown. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.
