If You Don't See Me, I Don't See You
1. Introduction: The Awkwardness of Conflict
- Defining the uncomfortable social situation of being ignored or "snubbed".
- Introducing the core concept: "If you don't see me, I don't see you." This is not about pretending but about honouring the other person's choice and protecting your own peace.
2. The Initial Emotional Impact
- The immediate feelings: anxiety, confusion, discomfort, a "flutter" inside.
- The desperate need for validation and the anxiety of seeking it from others who may not want to get involved.
- Feeling segregated and separated.
3. Understanding the Game: A Look at the Psychology
- Transactional Analysis: Introduction to the "victim, perpetrator, and rescuer" triangle.
- In this dynamic, the person who ignores you is both the perpetrator and the rescuer you feel you need validation from.
- Recognising this is a "game" that you don't have to play.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): The importance of being mindful and self-kind.
- Anxious, knee-jerk reactions are not self-kind.
4. A Step-by-Step Coping Strategy
- Step 1: Take a Beat: Pause. Don't react immediately. Be mindful of what's happening in your body and around you.
- Step 2: Acknowledge & Name:
- Acknowledge your feelings: "I am uncomfortable."
- Name the psychological effect it's having on you: "That was stressful."
- Step 3: Accept the Discomfort:
- Accept that the situation has been created and accept your discomfort with it.
- Accept that the person has chosen not to see you, without ascribing meaning or blame.
- Step 4: You Don't Play Their Game:
- Honour their choice: "If you don't see me, I don't see you."
- This is about continuing with your own business, not about pretending you can't see them.
- Step 5: It's Not About You:
- Recognise their behaviour is an expression of what is happening within them.
- You are not there to analyse, support, or fix them. You are there to support yourself.
- Do not "pick up" the conflict they have presented.
5. After the Incident: Dealing with the Aftermath
- Handling Gaslighting:
- When confronted, the person may deny their actions ("I didn't see you," "It must have been someone else").
- Strategy: State your reality calmly ("You did see me, because I saw you not see me, and I honoured that") instead of getting into an argument.
- Observe their energy in maintaining the denial rather than engaging with it.
- Navigating the Grieving Process:
- Acknowledge the loss of trust and the change in the relationship.
- Allow yourself to move through the grief curve (shock, etc.) for what the relationship was.
- Responding to Follow-Up Behaviour:
- Scenario A: They continue to ignore you. You now understand the dynamic and can continue to honour it without personal distress.
- Scenario B: They become overly nice. Take a beat. Step back and observe. Be aware of your own potential confusion and self-doubt.
6. Deeper Dive and Further Support
- Grounding Techniques: Mention these will be taught to help manage difficult feelings in the heat of the moment.
- Challenging Catastrophising: Discuss the importance of questioning the worst-case-scenario thoughts that arise.
- Understanding Yourself: The ultimate goal is to understand your own reactions, how you show up, and where your own behaviours might be conflicting.
- Call to Action: For detailed workshops, worksheets, and tools, subscribe to the Disree Shaw YouTube channel.
