The Shite People Do Podcast Summary: Digs, Shade, and Backhanded Compliments
Introduction:
This episode of "The Shite People Do" podcast series focuses on navigating the "awkwardness of conflict" that arises from common social behaviours. It aims to empower listeners to handle these situations, not just by coping, but by thriving. The specific focus is on "digs, shade, and backhanded compliments," moving beyond social media soundbites to provide actionable, CBT-informed strategies for self-support.
Defining the Behaviours:
- Dig: A subtle, indirect insult intended to belittle or provoke.
- Shade: A veiled form of criticism, often delivered in a passive-aggressive manner.
- Backhanded Compliment: A statement that appears complimentary but carries an underlying insult or negative implication.
Case Example (Clinician's Personal Narrative):
The clinician describes a personal experience with a new friend who, on three separate occasions, made comments implying she was using skin lightening cream or makeup.
- Incident 1: The friend exclaimed, "what lightning cream are you using?" The clinician was shocked and offended, clarified that she does not use such products, and expressed her disapproval.
- Incident 2: Weeks later, in a social setting, the friend repeated the comment. The clinician confronted him, stating she had previously said she did not like it. The friend smirked, looked away, and quickly changed the subject.
- Incident 3: The behaviour was repeated a third time in front of others. The clinician again stated her boundary, noting it was the third occurrence. The friend responded with the same smirking, dismissive body language.
Emotional Impact and Analysis:
- The comments caused initial shock, confusion, and self-doubt, leading the clinician to seek validation from close friends and family.
- The friend's behaviour was identified as a combination of a dig, shade, and a backhanded compliment, masked by an overly "nice" and love-bombing persona.
- The intention behind such actions is often to control the narrative, create discomfort, and establish a dynamic where the aggressor is in a position of power.
Strategies for Managing These Behaviours:
- Recognise the Behaviour: Identify the actions for what they are—digs, shade, or backhanded compliments. Pay attention to body language and the performance of "niceness."
- Understand the Emotional Impact: Acknowledge your own feelings (hurt, confusion, anger) without judgement. Practice self-compassion.
- Set Firm Boundaries: Do not laugh off or ignore the behaviour. Confront it directly and clearly state that you do not like it. For example: "You've said that before, and I didn't like it then."
- Re-evaluate the Relationship: When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, it signals a lack of respect. It is necessary to limit or end contact to protect your emotional well-being.
- Internal Validation: The most crucial step is to trust your own perception. You do not need others to validate that the behaviour is happening or is inappropriate. What matters is that it happened and how it affects you.
Conclusion and Next Steps:
The episode concludes by reinforcing that the goal is not to analyse *why* people engage in these behaviours, but to recognise *that* they do and to develop the skills to protect oneself. An upcoming paid workshop will offer a deeper dive into the emotional regulatory system, coping mechanisms, and dealing with specific behaviours like love bombing.
