"Friends Rivalry"
In today's podcast episode, part of "The Shy People Do" series, I explored the often-uncomfortable topic of friendship rivalry, focusing specifically on the complex dynamics within female friendships. The aim was to make therapeutic concepts accessible, helping you understand the games we can play and how we affect ourselves in these relationships.
Drawing from my own experiences as well as my work as a psychotherapist, we delved into the powerful emotions of jealousy and competition. Using a framework from Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), we distinguished between:
- Envy: Wanting what another person has. This can be healthy (aspiring to achieve something similar) or unhealthy (wanting to destroy what they have).
- Jealousy: The fear of losing a valued relationship to someone else in the future. It's relationship-based and often drives competitive behaviour.
I discussed how this rivalry can manifest in subtle ways, like backhanded compliments, one-upmanship, and conversations that feel like attacks, leaving you feeling defensive and stressed.
I also shared my personal journey with attachment styles, moving from an anxious-preoccupied style—characterised by people-pleasing, over-giving, and a fear of abandonment—to now fluctuating between a secure and an anxious-avoidant style. My history with "friendship bullies" and tolerating unhealthy dynamics stemmed from this anxious pattern. This self-reflection has been crucial in developing self-compassion and understanding my current cautiousness in female friendships.
The key takeaway is to shift the focus from labelling others as "toxic" to understanding your own patterns and needs. A practical strategy I now use is to address a noticeable shift in a friendship directly by asking, "Has something happened that I'm not aware of?". The response to this open question is very telling. If it's met with defensiveness or gaslighting, it signals that an honest connection isn't possible, and it may be time to lovingly detach.
Ultimately, building a secure attachment with yourself is the foundation for creating healthier, safer, and more empowering friendships.
For those interested in exploring this further, a "deep dive" workshop on friendship rivalry and bullies will be available on my Substack this weekend. Thank you for listening.
#friendships #conflict #attachmentstyle #toxicfriends
