This time I’m joined by Joe Warner and Rob Kemp, authors of the new book Burning Up, Frozen Out: What Every Man Needs to Know About the Menopause (But No One Told You) – written specifically to help men understand and support their partners through perimenopause and menopause. Joe and Rob share why they wrote the book, the communication tools that can transform midlife relationships, why men don’t need to “fix” anything, and how a little knowledge goes a very long way.
Joe Warner is an award-winning journalist and bestselling author, and former editorial director of Men’s Fitness magazine. He has spent more than two decades working across print, digital and broadcast media, writing extensively about men’s and women’s health, fitness and wellbeing.
Rob Kemp is a freelance journalist and author of seven non-fiction books, including the Amazon-bestselling The Expectant Dad’s Survival Guide, The New Dad’s Survival Guide and The Good Guys: 50 Heroes Who Changed the World with Kindness. He has written about men’s health, parenting and sports for more than 30 years.
What We Talked About
- Why Joe and Rob wrote Burning Up, Frozen Out
- The parallels Rob noticed between supporting a partner through pregnancy and supporting a partner through perimenopause
- Why men often default to “fixer” mode – and the relief that comes from learning they don’t have to fix anything
- Moving from a solutions mindset to a support mindset
- The “midlife logistics company” problem: how couples stop talking to each other and start just managing schedules
- The Midlife MOT – a weekly check-in tool for couples to score how they’re feeling physically and mentally, and use it as a springboard for conversation
- The Traffic Light List – a green/amber/red exercise to uncover what your partner loves, tolerates and can’t stand (including in the bedroom)
- Active listening vs jumping into solutions: “Do you want help, a hug, or to be heard?”
- How men can be the “Sherlock Holmes” who spots perimenopause symptoms before their partner does
- The disconnect around sex and intimacy in midlife: why men often seek connection through sex, while women need connection before sex
- Spontaneous vs responsive desire, and the idea of the “sizzle” – giving intimacy time to build
- Lowered tolerance in perimenopause: why “she’s changed” is the wrong framing
- Being a co-advocate at GP appointments and the chapter on “Dealing with the Doctor”
- Rob’s biggest surprise: how poorly the medical profession has served women presenting with menopause symptoms
- Joe’s biggest surprise: how empowered he felt once he had the knowledge to actually help
Key Takeaways
- You don’t have to fix it. Shifting from a solutions mindset to a support mindset is the single most powerful change a man can make.
- A little education goes a long way. Understanding what’s actually happening hormonally helps men take symptoms seriously, respond with empathy, and spot what’s going on – sometimes before their partner does.
- Communication is a skill, not a talent. It needs practice, just like anything else. The book provides a menu of practical tools and phrases you can pick and choose from.
- Make time sacred. A weekly coffee, a walk, a Midlife MOT check-in – carving out regular, low-pressure time to talk is the single habit that every expert Jo and Rob spoke to swore by.
- You’re not alone. Isolation makes everything harder. This is something couples go through together, and asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
“Once they read in the book that their job isn’t to fix anything, you can almost see the weight of the world lift off their shoulders.”
– Joe Warner
“All I said to her was, can I make you a cup of tea? That’s all I had.”
– Rob Kemp
Links & Resources
If you think your partner could benefit from this conversation, send them a link to this episode and to the book. And if you’ve read Burning Up, Frozen Out, Joe and Rob would love to hear from you – get in touch via burningupfrozenout.com.
If you'd like to find out more about my work, or how to work with me, please visit www.thetripleshift.org/starthere
