In this revealing episode of Unlock U with Dr. Shannan Crawford, we dive deep into the often‐hidden dynamics of narcissistic grooming—from a psychoanalytic lens—and uncover how early relationship templates can leave us especially vulnerable. You’ll learn how to spot the red flags, understand the unconscious roots, and put practical safeguards in place.
Definition: A gradual process by which someone with narcissistic traits gains your trust, isolates you, and then exploits your emotions and boundaries for their own validation and control. Often including intense amounts of verbal praise "Idealizing you", in which they give you signifiant amounts of attention, time, gifts, acts of service, and praise that, many people have described as, "intoxicating." Some have described that "it almost felt like he adored me so much and so suddenly that it was overwhelming. It was so flattering that I ignored all red flags because the life he described we would have was exhilarating! He sent huge flower arrangements and flashy expensive gifts to me at work so my coworkers could see it. He messaged me multiple times a day with the most amazing complements and telling me everything I always wanted to hear. He came into my life, so strong and so fast... he literally came out of nowhere and now, boom, this amazing man is telling me he wants to marry me and take me around the world and I would never need to work again because he wants to spoil me! I was so enraptured that I didn't notice that his current life didn't match up to the fantasies he was creating in my mind of how our life would be..." Another woman says, "He convinced me that he loved me so much that he couldn't be without me... I didn't notice that he was starting to isolate me... I had to give up friends and family who did not fully "support" our relationship. I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of his attention and praise, that I started to subtly build my life around him... eventually I lost my other relationships... By the time he discarded me, I was COMPLETELY alone."
Psychoanalytic Perspective:
Splitting & Idealization/Devaluation: Narcissists first “idealize” you as perfect, then “devalue” you once they feel threatened.
Projective Identification: They project their own unacceptable feelings onto you, making you feel responsible for their emotions.
Object Relations Roots: Early caregivers who were inconsistent or overly enmeshed can leave you craving approval and slow to see manipulation.
Why Some of Us Are More Susceptible
Drawing on the Restoring‑Self‑Cohesion (RSC) model, Dr. Crawford explains how unconscious templates from childhood shape our adult relationships:
Caretaker Role: You learned to put others’ emotional needs first to feel safe or worthy.
People‑Pleaser Template: Seeking external validation became your primary way to soothe childhood anxieties.
Rescuer Script: You believe “fixing” others proves your value—making you an easy target for someone who preys on empathy.
Unconscious Sabotage Loops: Old patterns pull you back into dynamics where your boundaries blur and your self‑worth hinges on pleasing someone else.
Practical Safeguards to Protect Yourself
Strengthen Your Boundaries
Practice saying “no” and notice your discomfort.
Use “I” statements to express needs: “I feel… when you…”
Build an Early‑Warning System
Keep a journal of interactions that feel off—look for patterns of praise turning into blame.
Share concerns with a trusted friend or therapist to get an outside perspective.
Cultivate Healthy “Mirror” Relationships
Surround yourself with people who reflect empathy, consistency, and genuine care.
Schedule regular check‑ins with your support circle.
Deepen Self‑Awareness with RSC Tools
Identify your primary relationship template and notice when you slip into old roles.
Use grounding rituals (breathwork, journaling, somatic check‑ins) to stay connected to your own needs.
Build Community
Be honest with your friends and family. Try not to sugar coat the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand reality testing. When you're early on in a relationship, you're infatuated which means you're literally not thinking clearly. So build healthy relationships with those who can see clearly and have permission to speak into your life!
Seek Professional Partnership
Consider one‑on‑one RSC coaching to map unconscious blocks and restore internal alignment.
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