In today’s deeply personal episode, Patricia explores the emotional toll of the “pleaser saboteur”, a self-sabotaging behaviour rooted in the fear of rejection, unmet childhood needs, and a relentless desire to be accepted by others.
Drawing from both her own transformation journey and a poetic story inspired by the heartbreaking story of a friend’s experience with coercive control, Patricia shares insights into how empathy, when left unchecked, can lead to burnout, emotional manipulation, and the loss of self-identity.
In this episode Patricia uncovers:
- How unconscious saboteur patterns like the pleaser and controller can trap us in unhealthy dynamics.
- Why self-love is not selfish, but essential, to our wellbeing and happiness.
- The danger of attachment disguised as love, and how to spot it.
- Why mental fitness and frameworks like Positive Intelligence help build resilience.
- How to set boundaries that protect your well-being and still honour your capacity to love.
The words of wisdom that run through all of Patricia’s podcast episodes, “You wouldn’t sabotage someone you truly loved. And you wouldn’t self-sabotage if you truly loved yourself.”
Join Patricia on a journey from self-abandonment to self-mastery, from self sabotage to self care, with reflections from thought leaders like Gabor Maté, Brené Brown, Carl Jung, and more.
Powerful Quotes from the Episode:
- “You wouldn’t sabotage someone you truly loved. And you wouldn’t self-sabotage if you truly loved yourself.” Patricia Ahern
- “The power is not in whether we say yes or no; the power is in our conscious capacity to choose.” Patricia Ahern
- “My love is unconditional. But my presence is not.”
- “It is not others’ responsibility to think of me; it is my own.” Patricia Ahern
- “Being in the wrong relationship can be detrimental to your health.” — Gabor Maté
- “Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.” — Lao Tzu
- “The near enemy of love is attachment.” — Brené Brown
- “Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick.” — Hippocrates
- “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make others happy because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless.” — Robin Williams
- “Empaths fall in love with those destroying them—not out of weakness, but because they are unconsciously seduced by the other’s wounds.” — Carl Jung
References and Mentions:
- Gabor Maté – Expert in trauma, addiction, and mind-body health
- Brené Brown – Researcher on vulnerability, shame, and wholehearted living
- Lao Tzu – Ancient Chinese philosopher
- Carl Jung – Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
- Robin Williams – Quoted on the pain behind people-pleasing
- Paul Brunson – Relationship coach (conversation with Gabor Maté)
- Hippocrates – On true healing and personal responsibility
- Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine – Framework of saboteurs and Sage mindset
- Serious Crime Act 2015 (UK) – Legal recognition of coercive control as abuse
RECOMMENDED BOOKS - if you are dealing with highly controlling or narcissistic behaviour
- Why Does He Do That - by Lundy Bancrofts - inside the minds of angry and controlling men
- The Empath’s Survival Guide - Life strategies for sensitive people - by Judith Orloff
- Toxic Magnetism - How and Why Empaths attract Narcissists by Kara Lawrence
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough? - Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
- Maybe You Should Talk To Someone - by Lori Gottlieb
- Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents - How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
- Daring greatly - How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transfers The Way We Live, Love Parent and Lead by Brene brown
Takeaway Message:
This episode is a heart-centered call to action for empaths, caregivers, and people-pleasers to turn their nurturing inward. Self-love is the foundation from which all healthy relationships are built. The journey may be challenging, but it’s the only one that leads to freedom, wholeness, and authentic connection, with yourself and others.
Highlights:
- Pleaser saboteur
- Self-sabotage behaviours
- Coercive control in relationships
- Empaths and narcissists
- Mental fitness coaching
- Positive Intelligence saboteurs
- Healing childhood wounds
- Setting emotional boundaries
- Unmet emotional needs
- Emotional burnout recovery
- Self-love and empowerment
- Narcissistic abuse awareness
- Emotional manipulation signs
- Inner child healing
- Women’s emotional health
www.pacoaching.co.uk connect with me via social media or via my email hello@pacoaching.co.uk
