Bonus Episode: Thanksgiving Strategies
The holidays can be challenging for any family. Let alone a family navigating the murky waters of addiction or alcoholism. On the precipice of such a challenging event, the Thanksgiving dinner that is looming in our distance. Let’s briefly remind ourselves of our;
With that, let’s dive into this week’s mini-episode.
With the prospect of the great Thanksgiving Dinner looming in the distance, as partners of good people suffering from addiction or alcoholism. Our minds have already begun a neurotic examination of possible scenarios that will undoubtedly lead to triggering emotions in our partners. (Deep breath)
This is a gentle reminder, THIS IS NOT YOUR ROLE HERE.
Take a deep breath and LET GO of that role.
That is a HUGE burden you have been carrying. And again, WE KNOW that we fall into that role as a logical reaction to our partners’ behaviors when they are in active addiction. Born of the best of intentions, under the worst of circumstances.
So IF THAT is not our role. What is our role? Let’s discuss.
A reminder here, we define a boundary as a sphere of safety around your persons. That encompasses;
“What boundaries do YOU need to feel safe this Thanksgiving?”
(Deep breath) That’s a big question. Now, recognize that your family, or your partner’s family’s expectations for the holiday, have no business influencing the answer to that question.
Any justification or excuse you may feel compelled to use to avoid setting an appropriate and healthy boundary needs to be evaluated, disarmed, and reconciled.
So I ask again, “What boundaries do YOU need to feel safe this Thanksgiving?”
Do you need to,
These are only options to get your creative juices flowing, so you can craft a plan that;
The above are boundaries around the dinner event itself.
But let’s talk about the BIG boundary that needs to be in place. Are you ready?
“You will accept nothing, other than sobriety this holiday.” Say it out loud, over and over again, until you find peace, logic, and serenity in that statement.
You will accept NOTHING short of a fully sober partner. That is THE MAIN BOUNDARY that needs to be upheld and enforced before ANY OTHER BOUNDARY can be ventured or gained.
What do I mean by this? Simple.
If you enact a variety of boundaries to prop up your day, to protect your peace. And your partner is living in active addiction, and quite predictably becomes intoxicated. What exactly is it that you have protected or gained through your efforts?
You must FIRST ensure your MAIN BOUNDARY, your BIG SCARY BOUNDARY, is in place before you structure your day.
Know this truth, this is a FACT of being married to a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism – regardless of the day of the week – regardless of the looming holiday.
This coming holiday simply serves as an opportunity to practice your newly learned skills.
To step out of the natural codependent role. And into a role that is PRODUCTIVE, PROPELS YOU (and your kids – if you have them) FORWARD, towards a better tomorrow.
With that, let’s discuss your skills, the tool kit YOU need to be equipped with this week. In brief;
Let’s discuss in greater detail.
Let’s remind ourselves of the definition of Co-Dependent Partners;
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is OBSESSED with controlling that person’s behavior.” Defined by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More.
For me, my codependent tendencies are so deeply entrenched with enmeshment, I have to remind myself to DETACH. To not only detach myself from my partner, who is in his sober infancy of sorts. But also to DETACH MYSELF FROM THE OUTCOMES. To allow him to bear the consequences of his actions, his choices.
When I evaluate my logical, somewhat natural response to my husband’s mood, behaviors, choices, etc. If I can identify how I am seeking to CONTROL his behaviors and the outcome of a scenario. Then I can more easily recognize when I am on the precipice of a codependent relapse.
If and possibly WHEN your inner seas become stormy, or turbulent, you sense your partner is somehow unstable. And you feel those codependent thoughts, emotions, reactions begin to engage, that’s your cue – to turn your focus from your partner, to yourself. To focus on DETACHING.
Your mantra, when you recognize your tides rising – your inner seas picking up speed and turbulence. Your mantra needs to be this:
To STOP YOUR OWN REACTIVITY to your partner’s behaviors. TO STOP YOUR OWN REACTIVITY.
If your partner chooses to become intoxicated – THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO – EXCEPT TO ENACT YOUR BOUNDARY. Thats the truth. You cannot control them, you cannot make choices for them. You cannot ENABLE THEM any further. Set the boundary, stop your codependent, enabling behaviors, and DETACH.
Repeat the mantra over and over in your mind, throughout the day. This is your armor, this is where you return to when the tides begin to rise.
Now is the time to remind yourself of common manipulation tactics that can be employed on you in your partner’s efforts to protect their disease.
*These tactics are reviewed in greater detail in our articles entitled “Identifying Manipulative Behaviors in Addiction” & “The Complex Relationship between Manipulation, Love Bombing, and Codependency.”
Gaslighting – manipulating someone into questioning their perception of reality.
Guilt Trip – Emotional manipulators are masters at leveraging your guilt to their advantage.
Excessive Charm or Flattery – Manipulators use exaggerated praise to gain trust.
Silent Treatment – Deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, texts, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power.
Passive Aggression – The manipulator may make sarcastic jokes or comments that can later be dismissed as “I was just joking” or “You take everything too seriously”.
Victimhood – Exaggerated or imagined personal issues. Exaggerated or imagined health issues. Dependency. Co-dependency. Deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor. Playing weak, powerless, or the martyr.
Isolation – There is safety in numbers, which is why manipulators work to isolate you from the people and places you feel most comfortable.
Shifting Blame – a tactic where a person refuses to take responsibility for their own mistakes or actions and instead assigns fault to someone else. It is important to note that shifting blame is also a form of verbal abuse.
more on It is important to note:
It may seem obvious, that the GOAL of the manipulator is to gain control over another person’s feelings, or to cause emotional chaos through coercive control.
Lens of Critical Thinking
Armed with a solid, clinical definition of common manipulative tactics, when you’re in the moment with your partner, you need to apply a lens of critical thinking.
If they attempt to employ some manipulation, some lie, in order to either become intoxicated or protect their intoxication. You need to apply your lens of critical thinking.
FIND the TRUTH within their lie or manipulation and address the TRUTH paired with the BOUNDARY.
For example;
“Yes, family CAN be triggering. I know that I will never FULLY understand the pain your family has inflicted. However, we agreed that our home will be sober. If you are not sober, or cannot be sober, you cannot return home with us (or stay the night with us, or continue to live with us).”
Apply your lens of critical thinking to locate the truth within the manipulation or lie, THAT is how you disarm it.
You give voice to the truth, you stand firm in the truth and you REFUSE to enable them to hurt their body through intoxication.
This is your gentle reminder – of the true definition of love. Or how we, in this community define the word LOVE – as something other than a deeply felt emotion.
Remind yourself over and over again of the truth until it feels natural and logical.
Enabling is a selfish act, born of selfish fears. THAT IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION OF LOVE for your partner. Enabling behaviors allow them to harm their mind, body and soul.
Codependency and codependent behaviors, while UNDERSTANDABLE, and certainly a natural reaction to the ecosystem of living with someone in active addiction. IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION OF LOVE for your partner. Codependent behaviors lead to enabling your addicted partner to continue to harm their own mind, body, and soul. THAT’S THE TRUTH.
You need to thoughtfully make the choice to arrest those behaviors and thought patterns, and seek the truth.
Love is creating a thoughtful, healthy boundary and enforcing it. Love is not allowing your partner to believe their own lies. Love is acting out of integrity and ethics in all our dealings. Love is showing empathy, but shrouding yourself with appropriate safeguards.
The holidays can be hard, yes.
Do people get through them without spiraling towards self destruction, YES.
Can you find the courage, the strength to protect your sphere of safety around persons this Thanksgiving? YES, I believe you can.
Listen to this podcast episode over and over again until it makes sense. Until you can see the logic. And distinguish the truth through the manipulations.
Do you understand the importance of a boundary?
And can you understand demonstrations or acts of real love?
You can do this; you are never alone. Help is always available.
XOXO, Anonymously Becks
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