Relationships are so amorphous - and so complex. You can’t hold them in your palms, yet they can crumble in front of your very eyes.
I have no idea about the statistics or the studies, but all around me I see dead ties that persist. And I’m glad they do.
In a world where we demand perfect relationships and expect them to become shiny almost overnight, there is something worth remembering: relationships take time to find their richness, become their best - or, at their worst, become bearable.
I think most couples will agree that once the honeymoon is over, the toughest years are often the early ones. That’s when they discover that sharing space is vastly different from sharing love.
She wants a harder bed; he wants the room chilled to 18 degrees at night. She wants an “I love you” before breakfast and twice after dinner. He thinks a thought, a hug or a phone call is quite enough. She loves elaborate gifts because she loves giving them. He couldn’t care less and is happiest writing her a personal poem - which, naturally, leaves her dissatisfied.
The trouble begins when these differences stop being differences and become permanent battle lines.
Some things have difficult solutions, of course. But when both people keep digging in their heels, they are simply creating a frontline. And then another dynamic kicks in: one starts feeling that they are always the one giving in. Isn’t that unfair?
So the heels go deeper. More arms are added to the frontline.
And then the inevitable happens. One person begins to feel that they are always giving more. The uncomfortable truth is that, in most relationships, there will be an imbalance of sorts. One person will take more decisions; another will be more involved in the home; one may handle more of the finances. And there will inevitably be moments when one person has to take the majority of the important family decisions. Like it or lump it, that’s often the nature of relationships - working or personal.
The unfairness begins when you start keeping score. When the relationship becomes a place to prove who gives more, who sacrifices more, or who is the boss.
It rarely ends well.
Counsellors would grow hungry if all of this were revealed early enough in a session.
Because when all a person can see are the bad things in a relationship, they become completely blind to what drew them to each other in the first place.
And once that happens, the road to perdition is already well laid.
If you liked this poem, consider listening to these other poems on broken hearts -
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The details of the music used in this episode are as follows -
Adventure by Alexander Nakarada
Link: https://filmmusic.io/en/song/adventure
Licence: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license
