Find your voice - Episode 8 - Memoirs of an Anxious Mind - Cos Kyriacou
Tagline: "To HIM its just a game, playing with my mind. An easy target for HIM, he always seems to find. He always seems to be there to put me in my place, lurking and scheming like a puff of smoke up in my face..."
Cos is a talented Poet who has found his voice by utilising the power poetry in speaking about his depression and anxiety. Riddled with many trials and tribulations growing up Cos has battled with suicidal thoughts from time to time.
Now determined to conquer his mindset working on his health, thoughts and gifts he is looking to help those struggling with mental health illness more.
Alongside this, Cos is also a qualified Accountant and Personal Trainer and this is just some of his hidden talents. He kindly shares one of his poems, HIM, in this podcast and I am sure once you hear this you will follow him over on his instagram channel to learn more about him and hear so many more powerful poems.
Thanks for listening
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Links to guest:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cmklifestyle/ (Personal)
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfullfitness/ (Movement
#JustDeuIt & #FindYourVoice
[Music]
welcome to an episode of find your voice
a movement led by yours truly
Aren do a guy who has overcome
crippling anxiety adversity and
difficulty like so many of you in life
whose main goal now is to help you
combat your excuses take control of your
life write your own story and most
importantly find your voice so now
without further ado I welcome the host
of the show himself mr. Aren do what's
going on people thank you for tuning in
to another episode of find your voice my
name is Aren and as always I am the
host of the show so like many of my
guests I get really really passionate
and excited to try and support them and
I suppose that's the beautiful thing
about this show because it's real people
doing real things just like me and you
I'm really trying to make a difference
and today's guest is no different
today's guest goes by the name of Kos
and I do apologize in advance but I
can't pronounce their surname but you're
going to get all of that in the show
notes but what's important about this
individual is what they've been through
in their life and I suppose even more
important than that is how they've
tackled their adversity they've tackled
their mental health their depression
their feelings of suicide and really
come out on the other side and now what
they're doing is making an impact to
help other people and that's just my
kind of person and I'm sure it's
probably your kind of person too so I
think it's important that rather than
you listen to me whoo yes once again I
have a cold I think that's gonna be a
theme of this show let's jump straight
into this interview
okay so firstly I just want to thank
cause for coming on to the show today
and for all you listeners who are here
supporting our movement so my friend how
you doing today good morning I'm good
not as early as you Baba fantastic you
like to hear you well we've had a bit of
technical issues and it is slightly
earlier than normal so excuse our voices
cool so you've heard the introduction
I've explained cause his story but what
I want to know well I think what the
listeners want to know is more about
yourself from you and I think it's
important that they can get to
understand your story you
journey and how you basically progress
through life and ended up where you are
today so if you wouldn't mind my friend
if you could just give us a rundown
basically of the life of cause the life
of course easily hey I think it's best
to start where I am now and then kind of
go through how I got here so I'm a
qualified charted accountant sounds
riveting ah no he says exciting as it
sounds
whoo guys recently qualified in December
and in the new year I've gone part time
to kind of tramp pursue my own endeavors
in life so starting from the beginning I
was stopped when I was born because I'm
quite old now or in my own eyes I'm old
but I don't like to use the word suffer
but I've had anxiety my whole life and
now been listening to your your shows
haven't they been amazing by the way I
appreciate that thank you just listen to
your different guests you know struggles
they've had to go through and obstacles
they face for me I've always felt it
difficult to kind of ask for help
because I've had I've had such a good
life in something upbringing
and the situation I'm in I've had
amazing parents I've never had to ask
for anything not that was slow in any
sense but I was given everything I
needed clothes water the essentials and
that but from an early age I just felt I
was different kind of like I had these
voices in my head I used to think it was
it was good it was someone else I really
don't know what it was and I find this
went through life with it at school I
never really felt like I fit in whereas
on the outside poori it probably seemed
like I was that guy good at his work
gone along with people but I kind of
quiz my anxieties I threw myself into my
work so I think into studying into being
the best I can in that sense so I just
didn't feel comfortable socializing I
didn't feel comfort with myself and then
saw some much easier CSIS etc I left for
six one
I changed sixth one then and that's when
I started to spiral a bit looking back
now it's funny because I can see all my
catalysts I can see why I feel the way I
did
where is at the time I just had no idea
what's going on I'm just in my own mind
so for me what gets me a look is change
and uncertainty and new things and
especially socializing in in new
environments so change into a new sixth
form with people I didn't know new
subjects just threw me off completely
and it might sound stupid some people
because this is such a simple thing but
for me the biggest fact thing anyone can
handle is their own mind and that's
something I've always struggled with yes
I might not have had big thermal in my
life a lot of people have but a lot of
people live in with their own minds and
try about that every day and people need
to appreciate that
it is hard for a lot of people mm-hmm so
yeah went to I went to six-month picking
up from then and firstly was extremely
hard for me
I was probably on the debts of
depression where it's back then I think
we know what the pressure was so I
didn't really see as that I just felt it
was me so my family helped me through a
lot I got through a levels my second
year beta it was great because I was
more comfortable in my environment and
then applied for university got good
grades and got into UCL to study
economics and I think at UCL was the
first time I really but I understand
what the pressure was I start to go
through it so I'm still living at home
traveling to London every day and just
didn't feel like I fit in they're always
comparing myself to others that I wasn't
good enough to be there and then I
started getting suicidal food so I stand
on train tracks and my mind we kill him
to jump and yeah I in my mind I've - I
know myself cuz I've never had those
thoughts before and I'm in the past I've
never when I've heard people who commit
suicide or taken her own life I've never
understood it but in that moment and now
I've been through it that's the only
place you see confort is by not being
here not being with your mind
Wow is that is that kind of a thing that
you've you've convinced yourself that it
would just be better off yeah a hundred
percent it's like you explore different
options so when I start to feel anxious
or when I'm gonna extremely the prostate
I start to look
look at the fact that across the green
on the other side so I was at UCO and I
was saying to my mom
I'm gonna quit I'm just gonna get job
I'm gonna apply to a different Union I'm
gonna do this I'm gonna do that I always
try and wash one away because then all
that anxiety all that all that hurt will
be gone and over you place into
something new so that's the first time I
started seeing a counselor Britt at UC
oh and while I was at UCL I write to
another university again seeing that the
grass is green on the other side just
want to get out of it so I started
studying for my exams at UCL it's about
April time and then I've got
confirmation that I was given another
place at Royal Holloway University I've
been sorry okay and I thought to myself
you know what it's not worth the toilet
turn won't burn through I'd literally
write vice for all my exams the weekly I
was gonna sit there but I decided that's
it I'm not sitting them because I just
want this this kind of cloud to be over
so I quit or I gave up UCL and
straightaway I just felt that count has
been lifted
I felt so good then I was like you know
what this is what I need like my next
university is gonna be amazing I'm gonna
find so yeah that summer was great and
then September moved up to roll away to
stop my new course and in the same thing
started comparing myself to others new
situation a lot of social anxiety I
didn't go out a lot in my first year and
like I'd hear people in the kitchen
drinking and stuff and I just be in my
room
just with my own thoughts Wow and I'm
glad today I have amazing friends and
amazing flat I'm still in touch with and
that's friends with your good may as
well
fears off so she helped me through a lot
even if she doesn't know it and by
getting my first year of uni I was
thinking I need to apply to another uni
it's gonna be better on the other side I
need to take my course something to do
this I applied for a job and luckily you
know I was convinced to stay I lost my
first year went on to the second year
and that is the biggest term like my
life is the second year I just spiraled
out of control just in myself
among thoughts just not being able to
call or be in social situations with
people my first day my room up my mum my
sister would always come and visit me to
make sure I was okay because they were
extremely worried about me of course
like I used to lock myself in my room
then and research how to end my life
because it's the only way I can see an
end to it and I knew how wrong that that
was and the the only thing that stopped
me from ever doing it then was yes my
family like what we do to them but I'm
actually getting emotional saying this
sorry man please take your time
but yeah the most it's really silly but
the thing that stopped me was I wouldn't
end my life right and my parent would
have to look after me and like her in a
state where I think people looking after
myself yeah sorry man no no I can only
imagine what what you're going through
because my level of desire is nothing
compared to your level of depression and
we spoke briefly before we had this
interview that you know it took the best
8 years of my mom's life away and I
think unless you live with somebody
who's going through or somebody it's so
difficult because from the surface I
mean you look at your Instagram you look
at yeah the way the way you conduct
yourself your poetry which you're going
later on in the interview it's just like
this kind of depression you know you
just know isn't no more that is it
normally is somebody you can relate to
but it's it's amazing how some it's not
something so simple but something like
your mind can just completely just yet
turn your world upside down and it's one
of my favorite quotes ever and I
probably say to myself at least six or
seven times a week not because I do it
but because it just helps with things
into perspective and it's comparison is
the thief of joy you said that you had
ins ie from a very young age and I mean
I'm 32 now and I'm kind of peeling back
the onion layers using an analogy of
when I started getting anxiety and I
think yes having reflected and looking
back at myself I'm able to find certain
moments in my life like when I was six
or seven I was at
shit I was actually quite anxious then
and then maybe that's really kind of
snowboard have you been able to in your
current situation not be able to look
back and find these key triggers or have
you always just known yourself to be
anxious no a hundred percent if I knew
one who I knew now about myself I could
have controlled a lot of what happened
to me and not let it happen
could you elaborate so my anxieties my
catalysts are changed like new
situations where that's a new job new
University a new subject I'm studying
uncertainty so I'm a perfectionist as I
said before I used to put myself into my
work and just try and excel at that so
if I'm not the best at something I start
to get anxious might sound stupid but
that's just the way I am so it's not
stupid
so you've always had this in psyche yeah
and now you knowing what you know now
you've said you can obviously look back
and think I could have changed stuff
what kind of things I mean I'm thinking
practical things here for somebody who's
maybe a little bit younger than
ourselves who's going through this
moment they're just constantly anxious
have changed like yourself and being in
these kind of environments what would
you kind of say to them now the one
number one thing does has helped me the
most about anything is talking about it
so talking about how you feel because I
would often just keep everything balled
up inside me and whereas today I'm open
as hell honesty oh are you guys to swear
on this podcast may you can do whatever
you want thank fuck for that that's fine
some people might not like that but you
know sometimes it's one of the only ways
you can express it sometimes one or two
episodes myself so
not a problem mate so yes second year of
university extremely down I went to saw
a doctor there who prescribed me after
depressants and I'm back then I had
never taken a tablet in my life not even
a paracetamol just nothing I was just
against putting foreign substances in my
body so I got prescribed down to their
presence I went and got them but I did
not take them and I came back home for
Christmas and I was just so so bad one
day my dad leave she just got me in the
car drove me off the sorry and when he
mom didn't say hello to any of my
housemates
just went in my drawer guys I depress
we drove all the way back home to North
London and I started taking them and
they helped me massively they're there
they're a tool for helping you they're
not a magic pill that's gonna make
everything go away could you have to put
you have to put other things in your
life that's gonna help you get through
but they definitely help just balance
out the chemicals in your brain and the
way you think think mm-hmm and so I
started taking them must I've seen a
therapist as well and then I started
going to the gym again so I was injured
at the time I got really depressed they
my substitute but I had a fun injury
okay that's unique yeah so I couldn't
really lift weights and so as soon as
that healed in the new year that's like
a gym again I started feeling good I
stopped them seeing my therapist even
though he advised me to carry on and I
finished my second year third year was
great really enjoyed it when I almost I
had finished uni over to 1/2 percent off
at first which again I beat myself up
again about don't beat yourself up today
I by the time I was in tears that
literally so fun and and then yeah
applied for a job took me eight months
to get a job and I had no idea what to
do with my life was planned for
everything in anythink mmm
got over Owen into accountancy and then
start here and then things that I
spiralling down again so and even
probably even deeper depression I had in
my second year and the extreme that
suicidal thoughts I just didn't know
what I want to do with my life
especially working full-time and
studying and studying for something you
didn't you didn't really want like I
didn't know if I wanted to be an
accountant up in all this effort into it
what am i what am i giving to other
people what I'm given to the world by
being an accountant
that's just how and I just didn't see me
doing anything else so I I said to my
mom not gonna quit and the Khan teach
I'm gonna quit and do this and quit and
do that and my mom bless her she she's
helping me a lot but I know how
frustrating it is she understands fully
johnstad 3 but I know how frustrating is
to try and help someone who nothing
seems to help themselves and you can see
the same things happening again in terms
you wanted to just change again to a new
situation
so I stopped taking as the presents when
I was at Union swell after that Sigma
period and I was at work I cited them
again I'm slicing the therapist again
and a major thing that helped me get
through if I did not do this I would not
have qualified to try to count and I may
not be alive today I'm being honest with
you I told him what I told myself about
my depression so I went spokes in
managers I went spoke the partners in
the firm and they were so so good about
it honestly
that's brilliant like they helped me
massively they put things in place for
me and I felt I could go and talk to
people about it more mm-hm so yeah it
was tough as hell and I qualified about
this December just gone so I'm currently
in the process of coming up mad for the
presents fantastic
I'll be off them in about two weeks I've
definitely felt some side effects but
they start to wear off and I'm feeling
good about life now and the most
important thing about anything that
being through mum I don't like to use
the word happy up being through it I'm
kind of I'm glad for which taught me and
so six months ago if I was doing this
podcast review I know I was in tears a
little bit before but I would not be
able to talk about this with with
anybody whereas now I don't give a fuck
I put it on Instagram I talk about
trying to speaking about their feelings
especially especially as a man today in
the society there's so much many
pressures a lot of stance what about 100
percent mate it's a it's an ego maybe
surprise thing I don't know what it is
with guys we don't realize that
vulnerability is actually a true
strength and I spoke about this
previously again I'd recommend if you
can listen to Lewis Howes I think he's
got a book the mask of masculinity and
it's a fantastic book because I think as
guys you're doing something there that
is something that we don't do and I'm
not stereotyping it but how many of us
really talk about stuff when we feel oh
because it's a bravado thing isn't it we
can't show weakness we can't show that
we're feeling down or low and I think
the reason I was really interested in
getting you on this show is or because
you've touched on something there so we
spoke about the social enterprise that
I'm working on with my
we're going to get back to mental health
and awareness the first question asked
though was what do you want like if we
raise awareness is it money is it like
materialistic things what kind of things
would make you guys feel better and she
says somebody should talk to you and
that brings us to the whole thing that
we spoke about prior to this episode is
I'm gonna open up just centers I'm gonna
hire them for the day get people who are
going through it people who have
overcome it to just maybe talk about it
and I know that might sound like such a
simple thing from the outside but you've
touched on it now as well
the world needs to speak it's the
simplest of things look us I say to
everyone I don't see anxiety as an
illness this is my this is my personal
opinion yeah everyone has anxiety but
just different levels of a spectrum
depression is the lowest of the low thus
that that's an illness that's something
you can you need to case of our but the
difference between me and the guys
sitting next to me the only difference
between us is I can talk about it now I
talk about it that's the only difference
the guy still has anxiety 100% different
maybe different levels different aspects
in his life but he just doesn't talk
about it that's the difference and by
talking about it which you've been doing
more openly now and some of it's through
your poetry is all which is fantastic as
well have you genuinely seen like a
shift in like your overall moods and did
the severity of your laws as well Oh
100% like if I have a load they know if
I don't know they in the past I come
home and I keep all my stuff where it's
I come home now and thank what my sister
is my rock honestly I would not be
honestly hands-down I would not be alive
about her today and she has she's not
been through depression
touchwood and thank God but even so as
hard it was for her to help me she was
just there to listen even if she didn't
understand she was just there to listen
and put small things in place to me for
me and so yeah I remember this one time
at university when I was when I was home
for that Christmas when I was really bad
I had an essay to write and I told her I
just can't do it I'm gonna quit but she
literally sat down with me and made me
write for five minutes at a time when we
go and have a break and come back on
write for five minutes so that's amazing
yeah she's been amazing and you're
fortunate
to have that because there's so many
people out there you may not necessarily
have that kind of support network as
well yeah because like you've touched on
it's an illness and it's because it's
not physical because it's not like your
thumb for example or yeah you know
somebody's leg broken or something it's
it's internal and again because people
aren't speaking what we're doing is
we're masking everything with it with it
with a smile or Facebook post or
Instagram post but deep down we've
rarely know what somebody's going
through exactly it's just scary and I
think I think living with it is scary so
I can only imagine what you're going
through so again I just want to say
thank you for for really sharing the
story no problem I just want to say um
thank what I've not been in the press
date for about two and a half years now
yes I live with anxiety but I am knowing
that press date and I'm I will fight my
my utmost not to go back there and help
anyone else to come out absolutely and
I'm not I'm not in a position to give
you any advice having not been through
what you've been through but yeah then
there's a simple quote we use it for our
for our business that me or mom are
going to start it's okay not to be okay
yeah I don't know it sounds simple but
it's so important that we understand
that because myself I mean I don't
suffer with depression but I will wake
up on it on a Monday or a Tuesday it
could be any day of the week and I will
be in an absolute funk and I'm like why
do I feel like shit like nothing's gone
wrong like you know my health is they're
my wife's happy my mom's fine
there's nothing actually happened in
that day I've slept well but then you
know what you just you just feel really
low and you got like no motivation and
stuff and I used to beat myself up about
that because I just think I've got so
much stuff to do I need to change the
world I need to do this at least get
myself up now it's kind of like I
literally say that quote to myself it's
okay not to be okay and all I'll do is
on that particular day or do stuff like
I'll go to the gym I'll try and keep my
nutrition as well as possible because
obviously that helps your mind and
everything I try and speak with my wife
or my brother or my mom in the day just
to kind of cheer me up and I might still
be in a bit of a funk to the end of the
day but the next day it all washes over
rather than me dwelling on it and then
hating myself like throughout the week
that kind of makes sense so it's
fantastic that it's been like two and a
half years and there for yourself coming
off it but if you ever do find yourself
perhaps going a bit lower just know
that listen mate you've come out of it
so many times yeah kicking and fighting
you're doing great that it will be okay
and you'll be alright you next thing I
appreciate I know and and such know what
you said I've learned that saw so on
days from the rule of and you you won't
know why but you just have to take some
time out for yourself and on those days
even today I've made wake up and I might
feel a bit low I know I know deep down
there is something causing that maybe
not the day before maybe not on that day
but a week my ass something I didn't
tackle where it was on my to-do list
which is still bugging me yeah or
someone I didn't talk to or someone I
said something to which is bugging me
bugging me now and why I feel low so I
personally I think there's always a root
cause somewhere it's not always easy to
find
mmm there's always something that's
that's led you to feel that way I think
you're right there somebody else
mentioned this actually I think it was
on Episode three and it's about finding
that that deep meaning and I think
because we're so most of us wake up in
the world whatever is on our phone or I
email a job it will it will dictate our
date we very rarely get time to sit back
and actually reflect upon our life our
circumstances in our situations and I
think if we could do that probably have
less of those days because it is
probably a cumulative effect of things
propping up and then you've got this
level of like I don't know burden or
anxiety or something that will kind of
just hit you on one day and you're
sitting there thinking what's going on
here but it's actually like you said
possibly something that's that's
happened a few days ago that's powerful
so the funny thing is it's like there's
no like magic secret is there they're
not I mean if there was then the world
wouldn't struggle a bit like Fitness
yeah if we had the magic pill nobody
would be obese and it's kind of finding
I suppose did you touched on it earlier
his voice you've got this toolkit now
yes the the antidepressant tablets help
you control the chemical imbalance
that's going on but you've also got a
toolkit of stuff that you've probably
had through your therapist yeah those
who probably gives you different tools
that you can literally bring out as and
when you need them because that's kind
of how my mom explains it as well a
hundred percent like I'm kind of
reinvent the tools they gave me to work
for me
so something that I do massively when I
feel extremely anxious I don't if you've
seen on my Instagram or that bar split
page into and I'm one on one side I
write my negative feelings and emotions
and on the other side I write a healthy
point of view and it just helps me
conceptualize how I'm feeling it kind of
brings you out of my brain onto paper
and kind of I can actually write down a
different way of or view in it mmm yeah
your Instagram is brilliant and you're
gonna get the oddest friend requests by
the way because I've asked my mom to
follow your Instagram because some of
your stuff is like I can't get some of
it like I get like 80% of it send me
because I've lived with my mom my mom
was like my best well she is my best
friend and and I'll sin what he's done
like taken away from her life so it's
kind of I know that if she can read your
messages and listen to your poetry I
mean you know huh no gtv sorry your
stories your Instagram stories it will
help and it resonate with her so yeah
I'm obviously gonna put all the links
for the listeners as well to know your
social medias at the end of it because I
think it's really important that you've
seen someone who's yeah you you're not
fully 100% over it at the minute but
you're dealing with it and you're
dealing with it in the best way and each
time you're getting better better
equipped and hopefully somebody who's
probably earlier down the journey they
can benefit from yourself and this is
the whole point of this podcast is that
they can learn from your your experience
of suppose and hopefully change their
life for the better sooner exactly
that's that's the thing like I am NOT
I'm not perfect I'm not free to storm
you never will because life just
frustrate you all the time I've come and
but the only thing I can do is just try
and help people through how I try to
help myself
mmm and you are so yeah just try and be
as real as I can on Instagram you know
let people know how much it days because
Instagram is a is a fake world really it
isn't it's a highlight reel is which is
why I appreciate like your content so
keep that going buddy I'm gonna switch
the pace a little bit now so I know some
of the stuff that you do on a daily
basis but I think it's important for the
listeners who have heard about your
story to understand what your daily
routine is like so I'm a big big
believer that we are the results of the
thoughts we tell ourselves and really
habits and so what's your daily routine
from the moment you wake up to the
moment you go to sleep well or every day
is different and I'm not gonna I can't
lie to you hmm
I don't have a daily routine I'm still
trying to work out myself in terms of I
know what what would work well for me
but I haven't put it in place so I've
listened to one of your podcast one of
your early ones about the guy who used
the miracle morning that's right yeah
chin very good friend yeah I knew that
was a great podcast by the way thank you
so yeah I bet the miracle morning thing
was last year and I started putting a
lot of things into practice in the
morning not felt great and but then
exams came around again from my accounts
and I just fell off it well I have
certain things I do during a week rather
than a daily routine a daily routine is
something I'm working on in 2019 okay I
need to incorporate meditation I need to
incorporate leaving my phone out of my
room in the end of the day because that
just adds to anxiety mm-hmm so things
that I do on a weekly basis to try and
help me and relieve my stress is number
one you probably see a lot on Instagram
I love my Costa Coffee yeah I love going
there by myself taking a book reading
maybe writing some poetry just sitting
there watching the world and just being
comfortable in my own thoughts I love my
alone time now and another big thing
daily is Jim obviously so I usually
through that after work and it literally
just puts me in a difference day of
night it's almost like meditation
absolutely almost like meditation and
you're just there with your own thoughts
music in or not and you're just
concentrating on pushing the way up
you're not thinking about your past
decisions you made you not think about
the future you're just in that moment
there and then so that helps me
massively another daily routine meal
prep obviously every morning but yeah
I'm I'm still learning I'm still
learning about routines and I will have
it together soon but like you've touched
down there even myself my routine
changes from like year to year because
you always you're almost tweaking it so
I've done the whole waking up at 4:00
a.m. and then working my ass off
but then what would happen is at two
o'clock in the afternoon you not crash
and let's sleep for like an hour and a
half because I'm absolutely knackered so
then I was like this is pointless and so
then I mixed it up and now it's like
I'll wake up at 6 or 7 it depends on
basing my day so if you'll get an early
podcast or I forgot like an investor
medium or something like that then I'll
tweak it but generally speaking I don't
really care what time I wake up because
I believe it's what you do in the day
but you've got some great habits in
there like like the gym the meal prep I
mean that you're feeding your body
you're feeding your mind there so it's
about utilizing your time and taking
chunks out of the day where you can
really be productive in terms of
whatever your end goal is and a great
book that I've read that is gonna help
me put that my favorite Wiens practice
is called the room of the rhythm of life
by Matthew Kelly the rhythm of life ok
so I know you you follow my mindful
fitness page yeah yeah I do I've
recently just started following that
yeah
that's that's in the making and my
therefore mindful fitness is stemming
off that book really so what walks about
in that book is you have essential means
in life to survive so you have you have
oxygen you have a young Ward so you need
those things or you will die
but what people often neglect is their
legitimate needs and there's four of
these and we collect them because we're
too busy day today which is so
fast-paced in our lives and but those
four needs our physical needs so
nutrition and exercise emotional needs
which is relationships with people where
that's going to get coffee with a friend
talking someone haven't talked in a long
time then you have your spiritual needs
a bit harder to define for me it's just
being being comfortable yourself
spending some alone time with through
meditation going for a walk in nature
and the fourth one is intellectual needs
which is knowledge and learning new
things and we often neglect a lot of
those and one trying to do is encompass
those in my life and try and help people
encompass those in this because when one
of those things are off that's when your
anxiety will spike yeah yeah that's so
interesting that's powerful I'm gonna
I'm gonna attach that book actually the
rhythm of life by Matthew Kelly you said
yeah yes brilliant Kay I'll add that to
obviously you're you've got to Instagram
pages as well would you at the bottom so
I'll have a look at that I appreciate
that buddy thank you look into that
fantastic okay so
the next question is about adversity and
what I want you to do is if you could go
back in time and think of a time that
you faced great adversity but you
persevered through it so just one
particular time and I want you to
explain how you won obviously the
adversity to how you got through it and
three what are the lessons that you
taught you at the end of it oh Jesus
Christ
get your thinking cap on okay my figured
you know you know I said to you before
this podcast you sent me the questions
in that and I was gonna happen little
read about them you haven't read all of
you know what last night yeah I upgraded
my iPhone on Saturday and it delete
whatsapp conversations lost by a 10
o'clock and I was like sheets messages
just suck up do it which is why I think
this episode so far is so intriguing
fascinating because everything you're
saying is if you know it's not you
haven't scripted it out it's literally
just you speaking from the heart so I
always find that more authentic the
reason I do give the questions that
before is just because some people
suffer with is ie exactly okay well you
hear anyway the question has been asked
just have a have a few moments again any
dead time and stuff I can always edit it
how so I'll probably cost me because
like a particular situational moment
because there just been so many my life
and I've had to come out of well
probably my latest one is just
qualifying as a child accountant loads
of adversity faced there whether it was
work just not seeing myself was good
enough in septal workout producing the
knowledge that I have and just comparing
myself to others that within my firm
sort of thing and yet having to go back
on antidepressants was a big blow for me
it helped me massively enough if anyone
is taken out to the presence there's
absolutely nothing against them I was on
a about 20 milligrams a citalopram if
any of you listeners know just stop give
them the information and I've been on
that for about three years since I like
my job
there's no comment and slowly slowly I
was prescribed
ten just before Christmas so 10
milligrams taking one every day for two
weeks and then I take one every other
day
for two weeks and now I'm in a process
of just taking two tablets a week for
the next two weeks and I'll be off them
and yes I defects for anyone gran out
there there are massive side effects so
I did feel a lot more rumination come
into play so just kin stuff very a lot
more emotional and very snappy er people
close to me I love my family so I
apologise to them on here I'm sure I
understand
yeah and very very tired and lethargic
but now honestly I feel amazing honestly
I really do feel good brilliant mate
okay so the next question it's we're
going to get to happiest if I show you
so today it's a memory but but the next
question is what is your biggest fear my
biggest fear is probably going back into
a depressed state massively that's my
biggest fear
and the fear of that I think helps me
keep keep out of it and is that through
your daily discipline like the stuff
that you doing the stuff you you're
saying to yourself 100% like things I
say to myself just be more open and
talking now and actually feeling like I
have something comments to pursue like I
honestly believe I've been through what
I've been through for a reason as
everyone will probably say but I'm on
this earth not not to be an accountant
like I love my job and I love the people
I work with but my true calling is just
to help people help themselves
just bring me talking about experiences
and everyone can do that and you will do
you helping me and I've gone through it
myself even just some of the stuff you
say you know it's making so much more
sense but we are a result of the things
we tell ourselves then just on that
point I think that's really important
it's something I'm trying to get my mom
and anyone on all going through that
similar situation to do as well because
a very very quick example a little bit
about myself is yeah suffering with
anxiety and be shy I've always basically
walked looking at the floor kind of like
with a hunchback if you can kind of
imagine that so my hands in my pocket
and I've never really making eye contact
with anyone and I'm just kind of walking
and I remember recently I think it was
about two weeks ago we went for some
food and I said
my friends I hadn't seen for about six
months and he goes have you gotten
taller and I was like what like puberty
when a long time ago me and he was like
no you've gotta be like taller and I was
like well I've always been this tall so
I'm like I'm just six foot eight six
foot and I was kind of like just the
same height as in and you kind of
shocked and what I realized was so I've
been doing like affirmations and telling
myself stories every single morning is
part of my morning ritual and one of the
things is I am confident I am no longer
shy I am and I would say well these
empowering words to myself and without
realizing it without even thinking about
it my physical body had changed which I
just find fascinating that's somebody
who I've known for like the best part of
16 years had come up to miss it man
you've just grown a few inches but it's
because my demeanors changed now my
chest is proud and that there's no level
of arrogance or anything in that it's
just I'm just confident knowing myself
and I'm not this shy anxious person who
scared the world or what people will say
about me I'm comfortable in my own skin
and the other thing about you is you're
going to the gym and you're getting
bigger so that's probably right my
foodstuffs I do try and eat out
brilliant so we spoke about your fear
what is your motivation then what keeps
you going even on the days when you're
in a funk for example lucky gentleman
what keeps me going is knowing I'm here
for a bigger reason than myself mmm
deep down when I still help him my
family around me helping friends helping
people I don't even know and that reach
out to me not try not good as much as I
can but just believed I found something
caught truly believing and anyone out
there like I know how hard it is to not
know your purpose it like be being a job
or be a plan for job in a union not know
what what a fuck you want to do of your
life
yeah and it doesn't matter how would you
get it I believe one day we'll just
spark like if you asked me a year ago
what when I do I have no idea and
whereas things have just lights
sparking and you know pulling into place
and that will happen for you it's just
about whether you're you're willing to
take the risk to go and pursue those
dreams that's all it is I love that that
is so true and I think I always urge
people now so even like my younger
brother
I urge people to just try new things and
do different things because 12 months
ago May being a podcast host was
probably the last thing I'd ever want to
do other than it'll be an out of a plane
I mean and I'm at I'm actually debated
whether I'm gonna do that in the next
year or so jumping out the plane safely
should we say yeah trying anything crazy
obviously with it with all this right
people around but it's weird how you how
your passion just develops my actual
passion now is like you said it's making
that true impact it's making that
difference in life so yeah the beautiful
thing with that is is forcing me to come
out of my comfort zone hence doing a
podcast hence putting myself out there
on social media and doing this podcast
opening that business with more mommies
it's crazy to think that I would have
been doing this because I just didn't
think I would so I think you've hit the
nail on the head there people should
just go out there take that risk trust
that it will fall into place because I
truly believe it won't but at the same
time everyone's journey is different so
just because it's falling I think in
place for somebody out there he doesn't
necessarily mean it's going to be the
same for you it could be at 22 or it
could be at 50 but don't don't compare
basically what I'm trying to say exactly
because I've people might look at me and
say oh he's a qualified accountant he
saw it for life now I'm just I've chosen
to go part-time comma salary you know
money doesn't money you need it
unfortunately you need money but I'm
focused on my happiness right now when
I'm going part-time to to actually go
for what I truly want to do okay
fantastic so there you've heard the
buzzer and we are now in the fun part of
this show so this is a quickfire 60
seconds where I'm gonna be asking costs
all sorts of wonderful and weird
questions and the beautiful thing is he
hasn't read the show notes so you have
no idea what I'm gonna ask him and
they're not the same questions as always
I do like to mix it up a little bit but
so please are you ready buddy I'm ready
okay we're gonna start in 3 2 1
okay the ability to fly or be invisible
fly money or fame fame singing or
dancing singing
Netflix on YouTube that thinks Marvel or
DC I don't watch evil okay Batman or
Superman Superman favorite TV show ever
oh Jesus Christ soprano would you rather
how you will die or when you were dying
when I would die love or money
love books or movies books if you could
sit with one person in the world for an
hour who would it be my sister your
worst fear growing up getting older what
is your biggest addiction Instagram if
you could abolish one thing in the world
what would it be depression your
favorite song ever compete J : Drake any
songs French or Spanish Spanish pizza or
steak
they comedy or horror comedy and the
last one which is completely random
which is wizards which is the funny
thing is I wrote these like a long time
ago so I'm looking at it myself to get
what okay brilliant
the answer about your sister as well I
think I think she's gonna love to hear
this back I'm sure you tell her anyway
on a daily basis but if you're anything
like me sometimes I shy away from
telling the people I love the most I
care for him so much and it's probably
something that I should do as well but
so we run to the one but last question
and this one's always about reflection
because I always believe hindsight is a
wonderful thing and upon reflection we
can always think of ways to get to where
we are quicker easier or we less
heartache and we wouldn't be the people
we are today if it wasn't for the
process I've been through so what I want
to know is if you could go back in time
to that one moment where you really
struggled and suffered with adversity
and you could just whisper something in
your ear knowing exactly what you know
now what would you say say to yourself
oh I probably tell myself to tell people
how you feel and because yeah it's
extremely hard even by looking back and
even the you for today it's hard to
express how you feel whether that's
because you're gonna be mocked on social
media your friends won't understand
because of different maturity levels ah
yeah just be just just talking about how
you feel just talk about it I love that
and I want to get you to do if you don't
mind one of your poems now I think
because you've been through it you
couldn't you can hear the passion in
your voice as well are you just before
you start this are you thinking about
doing books or ebooks or anything on
that
Oasis I want to release a book
poetry book and also I'm in a process of
trying to gather to do like spoken word
events okay um so I wanna go and perform
poetry and and yeah it's funny how I
only started writing I used to write
poetry a lot for Mother's Day cards uh
my mom she's probably got loads of poems
which is quite handy because every time
my sister would ask me what we should
get my mom article I'll just write what
last year I went to Cyprus and my
granddad was writing poetry in Greek Oh
what just about turmoil he's been
through in his life and stuff I went
over to Cyprus by myself actually just
to save my grandparents for a couple
weeks and I thought you know what maybe
I should try writing down stuff as well
so it's the one I'm gonna read is the
first one I wrote in Cyprus some of some
of them when I write them I can kind of
I don't feel this way anymore but can
kind of go back to how I felt and write
the emotions down which is yeah yeah
which is quite good for me and so yeah
the one I'm gonna read this the first
one ever wrote when I started writing
properly and it's called him him love it
let's go all right so here miss just the
game playing with my mind an easy target
for him he always seems to find he
always seems to be there to put me in my
place lurking a scheming like a puff of
smoke all up in my face and I are closed
my eyes praying that he'll go but in the
morning he's still there he always seems
to show he follows me constantly like a
hovering dark cloud I turned to look at
me
look at him in the face sometimes and he
smiled was also proud what did he want
from me what about done a question every
day my whole life he seems to have taken
and he's here to stay but one day it
seems to click and I look all around
he has no physical presence so how can
he be so profound that's when I realized
I'm living in the past and future with
my other thinking mind an easy target
for him he'll never ever find Wow
that is powerful yeah and there that's
that's about depression may that's a
talent there you know you've got may got
many talents you work out well you've
got the accountancy going for you you've
got this poetry going for you yeah and
if your aim is to like change change the
world for the better and help people who
have been through similar situation to
yourself like you know it's going to be
excited understand I mean people like
and we've never actually met in person
but with people like you is voice all
about as well I appreciate that and it's
the reason I love doing this is because
after after speaking with somebody I
almost feel like a new level of
connection if that make sense so it's
like I see you like as a friend now I
mean I've probably spoken to more in
depth about personal stuff than I do
with some of my friends and but
genuinely like my hand is here if you
never need it if ever there's anything
that I can help you with in the future
if ever there's times that you feel and
or anything because it is about just
helping each other up because there's
going to be times where I might need
that for example yeah 100% you know I'm
here absolutely hit me a message
absolutely I appreciate it and you just
keep doing what you're doing because I
think you're gonna you gonna inspire so
many people and like I said my mom's
gonna be fun in you hopefully today I
didn't tell you yesterday so alright
I'll look up no pages yeah she types
quite funny I was always left for them
because she taught me like the one
finger thing and it doesn't always make
sense but I just think it's important
because I think any age any demographics
or whatever it is your message is just
true we are at the last question now for
Jenny and this is a question that I
asked all of my guests and it's if in
150 years time science is unable to save
us and we are no longer about and all
that exists is a book and this book is
about the story of your life it's a
story that you've written moving on from
now up until the day that you sadly pass
away what I want to know is firstly what
does a blurb say about you I a summary
to make someone you really want to pick
that up and think actually I'm
interested in this person and secondly
what would you call the title of your
book Oh
I think my book would have to be a
poetry book rather than biography and
the title of the book I think would be
memoirs of an anxious mind and the blur
I don't think would say too much at all
it would just say I don't even know a
poem perhaps that could kind of sum up
your yeah a poem that sums up or just a
man in his mind just an anxious mind
full stop just something plain and
simple and the poetry and the poems will
speak for themselves about the
situations about the feelings and
emotion that's powerful I think you also
listen to episode one I thought you
might have not been getting this by here
why keV and the beautiful thing with
Kevin's as well because he's my boxing
trainer he's a lovely chap but he also
does poetry as well yeah and I just find
it I find it fascinating because like
keV you do poetry and I listen to a
couple of years as well and we're in the
process of kind of resurfacing him
because he's got him in like normal
books and I'll say maybe you could self
publish it get it out there because I
just feel like really hit your
heartstrings so it's powerful buddy it's
been an absolute pleasure I just want to
thank you for your time again and
apologies for the stuff in the morning
obviously it took us about 30 minutes to
get skies it's got going but at least
you managed to find your voice yeah the
shameless plug there from the morning
but what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put
links to all your social medias that I
know but if there is anything else or
anywhere else you want people to find
you because I think it's important that
people can follow your journey and
people can learn from you learn from you
you can maybe help them if you wouldn't
mind where's the best place to find you
the best place for me is probably my
personal Instagram page which is cmk
lifestyle and then my other page which
is up and running and I want to stop it
a lot more up there as my business
expense is mindful fitness spelt with
double L and actually spoke incorrectly
by accident but actually actually works
really well now and you know there's
actually a funny turn on Instagram you
can only one person can have a name in
the world
yeah for a name so mindful fitness
double-l was taken so I originally had
to call it mindful doc fitness and I
found the woman she was in a miracle and
a person who had mindful fitness and the
name and I said to my friend I'm gonna
message her and ask her if I can have
her name like we can switch and would
like don't be silly she's not gonna do
that so I sent her a long message I see
them two at the MS they're like I
literally spilled out my heart out to
her and asked if we could swap names um
and I've got a message the next morning
and she said she'd be happy to for $50
so I sent over fifty dollars a night and
she's got mindful dot fitness so
fantastic yeah see that it's all of its
all about sliding into DMZ
I love that okay um are you active on
any anything else or should we just
stick to Instagram for now Instagram for
now and then I'll be expanding pretty
soon fantastic and obviously once people
can finally find you on there
you're quite active in terms of your
story so they can obviously fun of your
journey I'll be finding your journey may
it's been an absolute pleasure speaking
to you this isn't going to be the last
time you speak but obviously offline if
I can help you in any way and vice versa
I'd like like you're helping me you're
helping my mom as of today and you'll be
helping many other people as well so I
want to say thank you to you and to the
listeners at home thanks for listening
and remember this podcast is absolutely
free so all we ask in return is for you
to share this with a friend and drop us
a five star review over on iTunes have
an awesome day
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