Through their podcast F*CK DATING, Klaphaak and Chrisler are on a quest for a 'connection revolution' and fresh ideas about relationships, dating, and vulnerability.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1:To the madness is next mean to method, to the madness. Apply Weekly Public Affairs show on k, a l x Berkeley, celebrating Bay area innovators. I'm Lisa Kiefer, and today I'm interviewing the creators and founders of a new podcast for dating called [00:00:30] F * C K dated [inaudible].
Speaker 2:So I haven't the studio here, the two founders of FTC k dating, you know, and at FCC we cannot say the word. So we're going to spell it out for the rest of this interview. And [00:01:00] I have Lani [inaudible] and her cohost, Lindsey Crisler, welcome to the program. Thank you. Well, feck dating. It sounds kind of angry. What's going on? What? What brought this to your mind? What happened? Yeah, so we decided to just go for the edgy name because so many people say that all the time. They're like F U C K dating is, they're so frustrated and they're having a hard time and there's so many things about it that they hate. [00:01:30] And so we wanted to speak to them and, but also our message really is that there is another way. There's a better way. It doesn't have to be this horrible, terrible, like, I want to rip my hair out while I'm doing.
Speaker 2:How did you two come to this together? Or, or did you meet after one of you discovered this idea? We have been, so we, I mean we met when we were 13 years old and we, um, also simultaneously launched a similar [00:02:00] career in dating coaching. And so we've been doing the same kind of work for, I don't know, the last like five years. And so we've always wanted to do something together. And so we decided let's do a podcast. Let's just, we love talking a lot. We're chatterboxes and you, so you had similar experiences and similar experiences with clients that were like, what the feck what kind of clients? Now you're having New York, is that correct? Yeah. And what is it that you, when you say clients, what are you doing? Um, we're doing dating, coaching, so helping [00:02:30] people feel more comfortable and more confident, um, believe in themselves.
Speaker 2:All of the things that they need to meet a really great person. Okay. There's a lot proliferation of dating apps out there, cupid. And I mean, and then Tinder, of course, assistant caressive and very good. I mean, like so many things to say about Tinder. I know, you know, like I just, I feel like this, there's such a glut of all the stuff in the marketplace. How does, how does yours, how do you differentiate yourself from those apps? [inaudible] so [00:03:00] dating, coaching and relationship coaching, completely different service than using an app. So really it's a lot more tailored to the person and going, okay, what do you want? Who are you? It's really a self-discovery process as well as support around finding the relationship that they want to find. So whereas, uh, an online dating service is just get providing a pool of other people that you might like, or you might have your algorithms, right?
Speaker 2:They do have algorithm [00:03:30] of who you are, but it's still not the same as, um, as really exploring the nuances of what's gonna work for you in relationship. So it could be easy to go and look online and go, oh, he's hot or she's hot. I want to go on a date with them. But totally different than they on the day. And it may be a train wreck. They can say what they want and then get on a date and have no idea how to communicate or make eye contact or like feel like themselves. [00:04:00] So are you in this field as well? Yeah. So I own a dating, coaching and Relationship Coaching Company called Social Studio. And where's that look in the bay. So I have coaches in San Francisco, the Morin, and then I'm in the East Bay. It's dating different today. Yeah, I mean I think that the, all the online platforms and the apps and all this has added a layer of complexity to the whole dating, the whole dating scene.
Speaker 2:What does that mean? So it's not just old school like, [00:04:30] Oh, if you want to meet people, you leave your house and you go out or you go to a dinner party or you start engaging in activities that you like, now you can do it in the middle of the night when you can't sleep [inaudible] online. Yeah. And so I think one of the big differences is that people are losing the, there they, they're not learning how to connect in person as much because our whole world has moved onto screens and stuff like that. So [00:05:00] that's a big difference. A big difference. And I've heard a lot of millennials talk withdrawn from dating, you know, a few that I know that. And I said, why and David lately, withdrawn because they don't want to even engage in this whole thing. Yeah. I mean I and some of our friends, some of our clients, they'll, they'll go on Tinder or they'll go on the app.
Speaker 2:They'll have such a um, disheartening experience. They'll be like, um, I'm off, I'm quit. It's like an on and off [inaudible] are calling it yo yo yo Yo [00:05:30] yo yo yo yo dieting [inaudible] it's like on the app off the app and it's causing this like panic. And that's what I'm discovering with people. It's like causing, um, this anxiety. Whereas I think it used to be a little bit more, um, just about the one on one connection and the actions and accidents. Spontaneity. Yeah. Flow. Serendipity. So that's, I mean, partly why we're doing the podcast is to give ideas of how to bring back that spontaneity, that connection, [00:06:00] that in person. It's a humanity that you would have to teach someone about spontaneity. So let's talk about your dad. It is sad, you know, sad. I looked at your podcast, but, um, let's tell our listeners, how would a person find your podcast?
Speaker 2:Where is it? So you can, you can type in F U C K dating into Facebook and find us there. Could you do that into just a Google in any kind of browser and find it? Yeah, the website is the F U C K [00:06:30] dating show.com and we're also on soundcloud under FTC k dating soundcloud is so easy. You can just play it when you're at the gym or on the car. It's so nice. And tell me about your podcast. How, when did you start? How many people have you had on, or is it just youtube? Let's talk about the mechanics you started last summer. Um, we wanted to do a creative project together, having been best friends for so many years. And in the same profession. And um, and so we [00:07:00] decided to start the podcast and launched in December, launched in December, and we have five episodes up right now and then more in the pipeline ready to be released.
Speaker 2:So how long have you done with it? We're trying to make them 20 minutes but sometimes we go over yes. Since we can't help ourselves with what are you talk about, give me an example of some of your five topics that you've had on there. Yeah, so the first show was kind of like the ar kind of quick ideas about do's and don'ts and um, it was [00:07:30] more just like, hello, we're going to start a show called FTC k dating. And this is why you might want to be frustrated with dating, giving people permission to say, yeah, this sucks and I want a different way. So that was like our first launching show. We got an email from a listener afterwards saying, thank you, I'm struggling, I'm so frustrated. And it's nice to know that other people are struggling and frustrated and that you guys are going to give us advice and helpful things to move this along.
Speaker 2:We don't want to just say feck data map [00:08:00] and have it be this angry like [inaudible] novel things that have happened. People while they're dating, we want to actually inspire positive connection. We'd be the worst life coaches ever if it was just about saying F U C K to everything. So yeah, so that was our first show. And then our second show we interviewed Steve Behrman, right? And he talked about the rules of dating and he has a twist on the rules of dating. So that was interesting. And then because you know, so many people now [00:08:30] are, are reading all of these like blogs and things that are saying, oh do this, don't do this. And it's very limiting. I know like they had an article about treating your partner like a startup venture. Like, treat it like it was just an how to play hard to get and don't be too available. I mean there's all that. Yeah. So, um, so we interviewed him about, and then the third one was about Lindsey trying out celibacy. [00:09:00] Yep. So she's been on a five month so far. That will be a nine month. No, no man plan. How's that going? [inaudible]
Speaker 2:I know it's been really good. I mean I've learned so much about myself in the last five months, more than I think I ever have. Um, and it was time. I was time. Yeah. So it was vulnerable to talk about it on the podcast. You know, it's like talk about my own love life, which I'm pretty open book with my clients. I think [00:09:30] that's why people like us is that we're not, we don't, we don't really play by the rules, but we do have to make up our own rules. Well you both, you have clients in different parts of the country. Yeah. In West. Yes. Are there significant differences in your clients? I mean, we're not like talking about our clients with each other all the time. Confident [inaudible] different. But yeah, I think there are big differences. I think differences. Yeah. And I've, we've both spent a lot of time on both coasts.
Speaker 2:You have a sense [00:10:00] of what are those, can you talk about that a little bit? What do you just never talked about this? I don't think so. It could be, I mean huge differences I think is that men, there's a trend around men being a lot more passive in, in the, in the west coast, specifically in the bay area. Then I think is what I've noticed in the, on the east coast and in New York. When I say East Coast really, I'm just talking about New York and we have exactly the time about that other places, right? Yeah, yeah. East Coast, my sense is it's a little more buzzy. [00:10:30] Um, not as much time. Like there's this limitation on time and like very like there's some anxiety, there's all things and there's probably anxiety here. It's just underlying passive anxiety. Right, right. Um, yeah. And you work more with startup people, tech people more with, um, like women in corporate, you know?
Speaker 2:That's interesting. So you have mostly men, you have mostly, no, I don't have most of you man. I have, I have both but mostly tech. [00:11:00] I love working with tech people. I'm not a tech person and I just need so much love for the tech tech people in their minds and how they think and they're so brilliant and in a very specific way. And I think um, there's a good combination of like bringing more emotional intelligence and creative ideas around relationship design and they bring a lot of really like nice, like logic and they're very practical and they're very like, well thought through, [00:11:30] which can be really great and also can be really limiting for dating because it's, it's more heart based, intuitive really. I think. Huh. So then just like, oh, let me find a formula for how I will attract people and then go and put that into play.
Speaker 2:And it doesn't always work. It's a lot more complex than that because we're all just infinitely different from each other. And so varying. I think there are generalities that may be useful, but what are you finding? Same thing. Similar thing. The intuition [00:12:00] instead on, I mean, the clients that I'm working with are amazing. They're like, they have great careers. They're super, um, you know, it's New York. Yeah. They're inspirational. They're doing things and there's been, there's like a misconnection with the intuition, the heart and the body. And you know, I, I'm from California, I like come in with my fake, they, they all kind of tease me then I'm at California coach, but I do, I like help them get connected to the same thing out there. And I love them there. They're [00:12:30] all willing and once they kind of get the hang of it, it's really amazing.
Speaker 2:They, they just haven't, there's no one teaching. We don't learn in middle school. Like how to neck date or how to help you with like sex ed, which is, yeah, not helpful. It was not helpful to me. And I think that there's also this like overwhelming idea that I see in, in my client base and the Lens and I have talked about it around like people thinking like that there's something wrong with them. Yes. Which I don't believe is true. Like, there's nothing wrong because they're not yeah, because they can't [00:13:00] find a partner cause they haven't had a lot of relationship experience. They're having a hard time finding love that they feel like something's wrong with them. They feel like they need to change who they are in order to find a partner, which I believe is, is not true when you're engaged to be married.
Speaker 2:So opposite. So how did you meet your partner? Um, so I met my partner a long time ago when I was like 17 at a bar with a fake id in Berkeley. [00:13:30] Henry's in Berkeley actually Lindsey the connecting. Wow. You guys both are from Berkeley. I grew up in Berkeley and I grew up in mill valley. Um, and so you met on a bar with him. So it was this and you're, you're going to be married. So the reason I'm asking is, you know, you have this, you know, almost a therapy around dating. So is this something you learned yourself with your own journey when you were 17 years old? Yeah, definitely been in the [00:14:00] social laboratory around dating and relationship. I mean, I really have looked at my whole life as an experiment on dating. I want to take a moment here and remind our listeners that they're listening to method to the madness here on k a l x Berkeley.
Speaker 2:I'm interviewing Lani Clapp, peck and Lindsay Crystler, founders and creators of a new dating podcast called F U C K dating. What did you study [00:14:30] in college when you go into this field? Well, I studied creative advertising, which is completely different. What about using real estate? So yeah, I have not sold any houses. There's no kind of certification process for this kind of characters. We did get certified, but yeah, definitely didn't study it in school. So there is a certification process. Okay. What's it called? Coaching? No, so I got a general life coaching certification with CTI and so the coaches training institute, and then we both [00:15:00] like chose the niche of dating and relationship because that was what we were most interested in is what we talked to people all the time. Anyway, we're talking about this anyway. Might as well get paid to sit. So when you guys coach your clients, do you see them all the way through something or do you, do you find that they stay with you all the way through to finding the one or is there ever a one anymore?
Speaker 2:Good question. On the hot topic, um, I have both. I have clients that work with me for a few, like three months, four months, and they feel better and [00:15:30] more confident and then they go out and do their own thing. And then I have other clients that I'm with them, even in the beginnings of the relationship because that is the, you know, a lot of fear, commitment stuff, all that can come up in the beginning of the relationship too. So I do both. Yeah. Same for me. Do you guys feel like technology, like Facebook and just all the apps that are out there has, are we creating a whole different kind of people? I mean, is it going to change a launch activity of partnership? What do you think about [00:16:00] that? So I think that I spend a lot of time thinking about how technology is impacting our social norms and our relationships.
Speaker 2:Because I'm, I'm like, I'm a little bit afraid of technology to be honest. And I think that one huge way that it's changing things is that people aren't, it's, it's, we're losing intimacy and we're losing our ability to connect with each other person to person, face to face, looking into each other's [00:16:30] eyes. So what I'm seeing is a lot more people who are really socially awkward and are lacking emotional intelligence and have a really hard time making eye contact saying hello to people that they don't know going up and talking to people that they're interested in, but that they don't know. Um, whereas back in the day without technology, that was just what you did. That's how you met people. And now there's kids that are being raised looking at, um, like looking at their iPads while they're out to dinner with their parents. And so [00:17:00] are even now starting really early on.
Speaker 2:You know, they're looking at this date. Like Lynn's, his client was telling me that her client was in [inaudible] bar in New York and saw people at the bar while there's like attractive people around swiping on Tinder, they're not presently doing great. Yeah. And at the same time I also see like technology bringing a lot of transformation and like spirituality and positive and making ideas festival to people and innovation. It's like there, it feels like there's a shadow to it with the disconnection. But there's also this like [00:17:30] huge [inaudible] the world becoming more conscious and chains forming, which is like a strange dichotomy. And I think that the question really is like, how can we be more in balance around this? How can we not miss misuse technology and then have the time you see clients. Is it too late or do you try to train them around being more present?
Speaker 2:I've had a few clients where we've done a 24 hour, no phone, you know, [00:18:00] plan or um, but I think the more they get connected to themselves and the world around them, they tend to use technology a little bit less. Um, or use it in what we would hope would be like for the good, you know, for spreading great ideas. And correct me if I'm wrong here, it seems like the availability of whatever you want really isn't that sort of like addictive I was getting very, how does that affect partnerships that, I mean you're trying for maybe longitude city. How, how would you get [00:18:30] over that sort of like, well I don't need to stay with one person for two years. So options and like I don't have to put up that moving on instead of sort of working things out. People talk about that a lot in New York.
Speaker 2:It's like there's so many options, there's so many people and it's like decision fatigue. How do you stop? How do you know when you found someone that you really like or that, but that it's really feels on with? I think there's just a sense of rightness. I mean I remember asking that question before I was engaged in how, how will I know other people around me getting engaged and getting [00:19:00] married and we were like, well how do you now remember my first friend who got married, like the first one who was, I was actually really close to got married. I remember asking her, well, how do you know that he's the right person for you? Now that I'm in that situation of knowing, I think there's just a sense of like it's here it is, it's on. It's amazing. It keeps getting better and that's again, it's not from a like so much of a logical or cerebral place.
Speaker 2:It's from like a more of a heart-based. So maybe [00:19:30] the idea of the one really is still out there. I don't really believe like there is the one, I think like he is a one that we have found each other, you know, and it's great. Our generation is that we want it now. Right? Like we don't want to work for it. We don't want to wait in gratification to like, it loads. Like we don't do commercials anymore. Right. Like we just want the video, you know, instant. I've had many conversations with people about like that's not the reality of relationship, like relationship, the depth is from [00:20:00] going through really difficult things and getting to the other side and you can't just have a, you gotta earn it. Yeah. And so there's a little bit of entitlement around that. It's like, yeah, it's going to be hard.
Speaker 2:He's going to say something that's going to piss you off if he said everything perfectly. A how boring in my world, but totally also guaranteed he is not being honest. Like there's gonna be conflict, conflict. Tell me some of the biggest challenges you've had, like, or characters or, you know, have you had something where you were just like astounded with? [00:20:30] I feel like the majority of like, like what's coming to mind is just people who, um, really have not had any relationship experience at all and are really like painfully shy in the 20s or some in their thirties, some in their forties and who are just really, really shy and have a hard time connecting with people. Um, and moving from that to learning how to open themselves up to people and connect and be [00:21:00] present with them and then, and then vulnerability, like introducing vulnerability and being able to share the deeper parts of themselves with other people.
Speaker 2:And so much fear comes up around that because it's really tender and just inherently really, really a sensitive place to share what's happening for you. Do you work with any college student? Yeah, I would love to work with more college students. Yeah. Because I think that when you start thinking about this stuff earlier [00:21:30] and, and exploring yourself earlier, cause really it's all about understanding yourself so that then you can create a relationship that's going to be a good fit if you don't know who you are at all. I mean obviously we're always still figuring out who we are. I think that's where it begins. Well, how would they get ahold of you guys? Like you know, I know you have your podcast to our website, the F U C K dating show.com. Thank you guys are going to be in, are you going to be doing this in five years?
Speaker 2:Where are you? Where are you evolving to? I love that question for this. For some reason [00:22:00] it's such a, we've heard this question before, but for some reason that's such a good question. We don't know what I'm like loving the platform that, I mean our whole hope for this was like we want a way to just be ourselves and be able to like Jabber on about whatever we think is interesting and like with the humble hope that maybe other people will also find it interesting. You were thinking about this idea of where people telling you you should do this because we would tell them the name and they would be like, Lonnie DCK I do it. Yeah. And Lonnie's Beyonce was the one that's like, you guys, why [00:22:30] haven't you done something yet? And we're like, yeah because you've helped so many people. Cause we can tell somebody we love each other like background and to having the same career.
Speaker 2:And then how do you make money with a podcast? That's our, that's what we're trying to figure out. If there's anyone out there that knows, how do you do that, don't we? We probably will offer offerings on the side for people that like want the free podcast and want the information. The podcast is going to be amazing. And then if they want more or they want to go deeper with either like if [00:23:00] they want to set up an appointment [inaudible] we're into like creating w we thought a lot about different experiences we could create for people. I mean Lonnie and I are so dedicated to making this a movement, you know of like action, action and communication and making relating fun. Again. It's got a bad rap and we have so much fun with people. People so much fun. This is fun. It can be fun.
Speaker 2:And so we re we really want to and we, we sense the loneliness [00:23:30] out there and we're like really dedicated to changing that. I mean I can't, sometimes I think about what would it be like if everybody had love in their life. That sounds so cheesy, but like really like if every person even had love, like imagine about bonds, imagine how different would be. Yeah. People feeling secure, people feeling loved, people know sales happy. The Beatles were right. You know, love us all there is love. And I thought about it. What if I had millions of dollars and I didn't have any friends to talk to about it? Who Cares? Who Cares [00:24:00] for me? I'm like, without community and connection, my life is flat. Well, speaking of community, I want to remind our listeners that they are listening to k a l ex Berkeley method to the madness, a show about innovators of the bay area.
Speaker 2:Today I'm interviewing Lonnie Clapp Peck and Lindsey Crisler. They have a new podcast out there called F U C K dating. Tell me what you're doing around the idea of connect. So for me it's, it's three things. It's connecting to myself, practicing [00:24:30] that cause I am really extroverted and I can just woo, I can go into other people's worlds really easily. That's part of like the plan that I'm on right now is connecting to myself. You know, it's like people say like, well what does that actually mean? It's like sometimes it's talking to myself, sometimes it's writing, sometimes it's meditating, sometimes it's exercising, whatever. Connecting, connecting to the world, being of service, helping people, making people's Day smiling, saying hi to strangers. It's my favorite. And then for me connecting to like higher power source. The thing that we can't see and we have no proof [00:25:00] of, but it really makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better.
Speaker 2:Are you doing that through meditation and Prayer and um, practice and find in hip hop dance and hip hop and [inaudible] Scott run my dog who connects me to God. That's the word that you had. You do at Lani. I ski. Oh yeah. That is totally where I feel most connected to. Higher power. The thing that physical then. Yeah, the physical and nature. How are you [inaudible] patients about connecting? Yeah, I mean this is, we're talking now about kind of like spiritual connection [00:25:30] and um, as far as more like person, person to person connection, I think attunement is the key. And what I mean by that is being tuned in to the other person that you're connecting with. So really getting their world understanding like, okay, what's happening for them right now in this moment as I'm talking to them, are they present with me? Do they feel nervous?
Speaker 2:Are they comfortable? Are they checked out? What's going on? And then how, how can I better show up with [00:26:00] them so that we can increase the amount of connection that is there? I like to attunement. Did you make that up? No. It's as totally out there. Yeah. Can't claim that to my own. Fortunately I'm a little different. Yeah. So being attuned. Yeah. And I think that that's, that's key. Cause if you're like saying hi to strangers and starting chatting up people and starting conversations, but you're like out of her, out of exactly. Or out of a breath, hey, how are you? [inaudible]
Speaker 2:yeah, you can ever want people that are going to be blocked or, so [00:26:30] it's all about the sensitivity of noticing the other person and how you can best meet them, how you can best meet. So do you have any upcoming shows that people ought to pay attention to? Yeah. Yeah. Um, so we are, we are interviewing, um, David coats and Govinda Bater right. They run a website called disempowerment.com. It's hysterical. And we're going to talk about all the ways you can feel disempowered with dating and then feel more empowered. [00:27:00] Yeah. Um, they're hysterical. Yeah. We're going to be interviewing Simon Moyes who is a mindfulness teacher with search inside yourself, which is part of Google and then also at the Zen Center in San Francisco. And we're going to be talking with him about mindfulness and dating. Um, so how did you dating in a conscious mindful way? That sounds great.
Speaker 2:How often do these air? Every week. Every week. Tuesdays. Every one. What time is the live hearing of it? So we just post it. We're not [00:27:30] that organized yet, but that's good then anybody can listen any time. Yeah, right. Yeah. Loaded. Yeah. So we blast it out onto the Facebook page whenever there's a new episode that's released and then you can go find it and listen to it there and on soundcloud. And then we have one in the pipeline to Robbie Carlton who has worked a lot with the authentic man program and is a coach does dating coaching is, you don't know what the authentic man program is. It's a program in San Francisco that works with men around relationships and relating, and he used to do the pickup [00:28:00] thing, the pickup artist world, so he knows about that world. So it's pretty, pretty interesting. Yeah. And then we've got another interview in the pipeline from Sasha Kagan who has a whole movement called the quirkyalone movement, the Quirky alone movement. Yeah. You're getting into that, right? You're getting quirkier. You're ready. The next guy is gonna be like, wow. [inaudible] yourself and you're really talking about it a lot to publicly. [00:28:30] This stuff's great. And I want to thank you guys for being on the show. Absolutely. Thank you. I hope that the listeners out there get a little bit of help with their relationships out of this. So yeah. Thank you so much. Okay, so Lisa.
Speaker 1:Okay. [inaudible] [00:29:00] to keep her and I've been your host for method to the madness of biweekly public affairs show on KTA l expertly celebrating Bay area innovators. If you have questions or comments about this show, go to the calyx website, find the method to the madness in drop us an email. You'll also find a link to our past shows there. Tune in again in two weeks at the same time. Have a great weekend.
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