Why is it so hard to communicate like ourself? Things are changing around us which means we, too, are changing. Sometimes out of choice, sometimes out of necessity; sometimes it's conscious and often it's happening without our realizing. But we are changing and when that realization hits, how to do we communicate authentically? Especially when you don't exactly know who you are being authentic to?
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Transcript:
Hello and welcome to Connections, Coffee & Confidence. I’m Janice and if you’re a regular listener or if this is your first time, I’m so happy to have you here! But!
This week’s episode is a wee bit different in terms of it’s not an actionable PR or strategic communications talk, it’s more behind the scenes.
Because something that comes up as an avoidance reason when it comes to communicating is that word authenticity. And the feeling that you need to be confident. And I want to dig a little deeper into that today.
INTRO
When I first started thinking about why it is so hard to communicate sometimes, I could hear people’s voices in my head, echoes of meeting with clients, speaking to people in my group, and my own reflections. And it comes back to authenticity. You know, how you’re supposed to feel authentic and yourself in your communications; that’s how you attract people, you draw them in by being your amazing self.
And that’s true. I do believe that and I do practise that as much as I can.
But why is that so hard?
I think that when we’ve been through so much, there will always be an impact on our identity. Our lives never stand still in the regular scheme of things; we are always evolving, learning, changing and adapting. We meet new people, go somewhere different. Read a new book or listen to a different podcast. All of these things, and more, affect the way we think and interact with our world. They can affect the way we think about ourselves and can cause huge changes or a minor deviation from our norm.
And that was before Covid. Maybe you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you and you’ve had to pivot. Maybe you or a loved one has been sick, and I’m truly sorry if that's the case. Everyone’s anxiety has increased and that can make us worry or wonder about things that we’ve never considered before. There’s a lot of new and different in the world, all of it exciting but not always in the positive sense. On the flip side, though, this has spurred many of us to try new things, to take the leap we’ve been thinking about, to consciously change into a different person in an effort to attain more happiness or sense of fulfilment or make a living.
Even when the choice to change has been ours, it still brings with it a change in identity and all that comes with it. And how do you sound authentic when you have no idea who you’re being true to?
I’m a mom of three boys. Twins and singleton. At one point I had three under two and a half and I spent a number of years changing diapers, scheduling feedings, washing clothes and bottles, and not sleeping. I was also living in a different country at that time. I was married. I had been working under a work permit system and so had to take jobs that would allow me to work, they were not all what a university graduate was accustomed to. I went from having a secretary to getting the tea and coffee for the media training clients. It was a lot to deal with, throw in a swift and extreme economic downturn and well, things were tough.
It was a lot of change, external and internal. And I was so busy that it was difficult to take some time and realize what was happening. It was life and I was living it, not thinking about it but vaguely aware that something was missing, something was changing and I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. And it was unsettling.
So yeah, there were a lot of identity shifts, changes and losses in a short few years and I don’t think I’m alone in having a period like that. There’s no way you have gotten to where you are now, to who you are now, without evolution and some of those evolutions had to have been big.
And here we are, with a business or growing a business or thinking about starting one, and we’re faced with the task of communicating authentically and frequently, consistently. We’re faced with creating a cohesive messaging strategy that will market our business and ourselves and holy old smokes all of that is it intimidating.
Because what you map out for yourself to say doesn’t always flow, it doesn’t always feel right, it doesn’t always feel natural. Because although sometimes we might know what needs to be said, we just haven’t had a chance to wiggle our bums around in our seats and find our comfy spot.
A lot of gurus will tell you to take a stand and put your beliefs out there. You know, attract your similarly minded people. But it is hard to take a stand for what you believe in when you aren’t sure what that is. Or when you have an idea but that’s all it is right now, an idea. Maybe it’s so big that there is a lot of complexity to it, or maybe it’s so different to you that you’re still sorting out your feelings around it. Either way, those are not the paths to clear and consistent communications.
Those are the paths to frustration and when you couple that with feelings of pressure around what you should be doing, how often you should be posting, what you need to look like in your pictures, those are the paths to doubt. Those paths lead you to not enjoy working your business any longer. They lead to pumping things out at a mad rate, but none of it really feels right, or the well drying up because you overthink everything - which often happens when we aren’t clear on things anyway.
And honestly, where I often find myself these days is fixating on the question of energy and desire. As in, do I really have the energy to get involved with this? Do I have the desire, do I feel strong enough to boldly proclaim that I do not believe anyone should ‘celebrate’ world autism day? (For the record, I live in an autism centric home. It’s life. We should celebrate life. We need to generate more awareness, more acceptance, more love for those who operate differently to us but isn’t that true of every single person under the sun? Mark it, but I feel celebrate is an odd choice of word. I celebrate my kids every day. Sometimes not until they have gone to bed and I celebrate that we survived another day but in that respect am I really different to other parents of three boys?) Ok, and this is what I mean. And I don’t have the energy to devote to clarifying my position publicly because I don’t have the time to devote to clarifying my own position to myself. So I tend to stay away, I don’t take a lot of stands.
So what the heck are we supposed to do about this?
I feel like the answer is pretty short and simple. Who are you right now? Be true to that person. What made you smile today? Appreciate that and if you’re stuck on something to throw up on Insta or Facebook, then that’s your story for today. Not everything has to be mind blowingly deep, or hilarious, or a smashing sale post. Take that pressure off of yourself right now.
Nor does it need to be perfect. I mean, have you seen my Instagram? @janiceefogarty go on, follow me for the laugh. Or join my group Connections Coffee Confidence Community on Facebook. I sometimes go live in there and show you how you don’t need to be perfect to show up.
Consistency that counts a lot but that doesn't mean three times a day every day. Unless you have a team and a killer content plan in which case have at ‘er. But I don’t. So I don’t. And that’s ok.
And yeah, consistency of messaging is important but so is being human. We do evolve. If you post about coffee today and tea tomorrow, well, big deal. If you know why you started your business and that has evolved, well that’s ok too. Don’t feel badly about shifting your messaging, it happens all the time. Especially when the world is changing so quickly and you’re a small business; it’s great to be small enough to shift and adapt to what is more meaningful or impactful or possible for you.
When you’re in a state of flux, that’s who you are in that moment. You’re changing and don’t overthink it, it makes everything worse. Complete overthinker here, by the way. I speak from experience. If you haven’t heard the expression ‘sit in the suck’ then welcome, you have now. Because those feelings of discomfort when you’re changing are real. They often suck. But by sitting in that suck and allowing it to work itself out, by taking some time to allow the shifts to happen and to recognize those shifts, to accept them and figure out what they mean to you, you’re actually being true to yourself. So showing up as authentically you means that things change. How you show up, when you show up, maybe even where you show up, will change.
I feel like the confidence we’re sometimes looking for will come when we accept this state of change. When we acknowledge that, right now, we are figuring things out and we are not alone in this stage. And nor will it be the last time we go through it. When you accept all of that, you’ll be showing up authentically and confidently and that is something to celebrate.
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